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I’m
a 22-year-old female, and the older I get, the more often
I am ridiculed by straight men for being ugly. Just last night,
a man asked me if I was jealous of my pretty friends and if
I wished I could look like them. I know I’m unattractive,
but I’ve met wonderful girls who I think are at least as physically
unattractive as me who have managed to find someone to love
them. I need to know if I should even bother anymore—it’s
hard to find a job, make friends, and basically just find
people who will treat me like a human being. I shower every
day, try to dress well, and wear makeup, but none of it seems
to help. It appears that my only options are plastic surgery
or suicide, and the older I get, the more appealing the latter
becomes. And no, I don’t have body dysmorphic disorder, I
am absolutely sure.
—Anonymous
P.S.
I can’t trust my friends to tell me the truth, because they
love me, which either (a) clouds their judgment, or (b) makes
them reluctant to hurt my feelings. The only commentary I
have to go on comes from people I don’t know who feel a need
to inform me that I’m ugly. But I’m not sure. Should I send
you a picture?
You can send me a picture if you like, Anonymous, preferably
one taken by the brand-new therapist that you’re going to
get. Because you may or may not have body dysmorphic disorder,
and you may or may not be ugly, and your friends may or may
not be shining you on, but you clearly need more help than
I can give you in this space. But I’ll accept your self-diagnosis
and say this much . . .
Things will get better as you get older. Not your looks, Anonymous,
if your looks are truly the problem, but your peers. People
are assholes in their 20s, and pouring alcohol into assholes
doesn’t make ’em stink less. Straight boys raised to believe
that women exist for their pleasure will sometimes feel personally
affronted by unattractive women, and alcohol makes them feel
entitled to comment. But the passage of time makes monsters
of us all, Anonymous, and the young, relatively hot straight
guys tormenting you today are the bald, paunchy, and if there
is a God, burn victims of tomorrow.
So the numbers of guys who can appreciate what you bring to
the table—your humanity, your compassion, your ability to
love—will grow over time, kiddo, and you may find in middle
age what your girlfriends found as young adults. Unless you
off yourself in the meantime, Anonymous, in which case you
won’t be around to watch those cruel, drunken boys deteriorate,
wither, and die. And why would you want to cheat yourself
out of that?
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I’ve been with my husband for two years and married
for one. We eloped in June of last year and didn’t have any
sort of honeymoon. Instead, about a month later, my husband
went on an overseas trip with an old college friend. “Bill”
is poor and my husband is well-off, so my husband paid Bill’s
way. I joked at the time about how my husband was going on
his honeymoon with Bill. Fast-forward to last week: My husband
tells me he is going to a conference in Europe and meeting
Bill there. I thought, OK, no big deal. Well, the day my husband
was leaving, I found out that he was spending the first four
days with Bill, Bill’s fiancée, and Bill’s sister just hanging
out, and that the actual conference didn’t start until the
end of the week. I didn’t say anything before he left, because
I was so caught off guard. Today I went to a therapist who,
after hearing all this, asked me if I thought my husband was
gay.
We only have sex once a week, because I’ve forced him to make
it an appointment with me. He does not have a sex drive at
all: nothing, nada. So my question is, should I dump the therapist
or is she on to something? My husband comes back from his
trip on Sunday and I’m dying inside. Help!
—Really
Uncertain
Do
you really want to stay married to a man who makes you feel
this way, RU, even if he is straight?
It’s been weeks now since you republished that “canned
ham” comment about the aesthetics of women’s genitals. The
battle of the sexes is creepy enough, Dan, when it’s being
fought by people who want to fuck each other. At the end of
the day, straight and bisexual men and women know that they
want what the other side has got. But when lesbians and gay
men do it, not only is it cruel and dehumanizing, but it makes
Republicans smile. Conservatives already do a fantastic job
of making it seem like lesbianism is the ghastly consequence
of man hating; the more gay men keep going on about how much
women disgust them, the more it makes them seem like deranged
misogynists, rather than sane men who just want to sleep with
other men. (Never mind that if misogyny caused gayness, the
entire Republican party would be a mad gay orgy.)
—Too
Sad For A Pseudonym
Your
points are well taken, TSFAP, and I hear you. Hell, I agree
with you; I frequently tear into faggots who play up their
disgust with female genitals in a misguided attempt to justify
their gayness. But my comparison of female genitals to canned
hams dropped from great heights wasn’t grounded in disgust,
TSFAP, so much as it was unfamiliarity. And, hey, I deserve
some credit for comparing women’s genitals to something I
will put in my mouth. Ham? Love it! Baked or canned, dropped
from a great height or grilled to perfection—can’t get enough!
It would have been infinitely ruder of me to compare women’s
genitals to something I would never, ever put in my mouth,
something like . . . uh . . . women’s genitals.
And, excuse me, but haven’t you been paying attention? The
entire Republican party is a mad gay orgy. Brace yourself,
TSFAP!
So, Dan, I agree that men in their 30s and 40s who “date”
legal teenage boys have a good chance of being scummy. But
what about men who make no bones about just wanting some of
that sweet twink ass and are honest with their just-out-of-high-school
playmates? Is the 40-ish man who says, “I am not in love with
you. I might think you’re cool. I do think you’re hot. Let’s
fuck!” a refreshingly honest learning opportunity for a barely-legal
boy just out on his own? Or does the inherent power imbalance
mean all older guys are self-deluding scumbags?
—Thirtysomething
Realizes Oldsters Lack Luster
The
campsite rule applies here: So long as older persons leave
younger persons in better shape than they found them, it’s
all good. And emphasizing to a young, horny, potentially love-struck
teenager that, while there may be a mutual attraction, love
isn’t in the cards is one way an older person honors the campsite
rule. But, as I wrote last week, since almost all older men
willing to sleep with teenagers—gay or straight—are total
scumbags, the older person should be regarded as scum until
proven otherwise.
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