six months of marriage—I’m a straight male—the sex had become
routine but enjoyable. To remedy this, my wife and I discussed
new things we might like to try. We were both being shy, so
I said the first thing that came to mind: “Anal?” My wife
got quiet and the conversation ended.
A couple weeks later, she brought up the conversation and
showed me an article of yours that said if a man wants anal,
he should take it first. I explained I wasn’t that interested
and that I only brought it up to spark a discussion. That
sparked an argument. She also told me that she had already
spent a lot of money on a strap-on because “you wanted this
Now anytime I bring up any kind of sex, it restarts this argument.
She insists that I would not have brought up anal if I didn’t
really want it, and says I’m being unfair by not agreeing
to give it up first. I just figured most couples at least
experimented with anal. And while I understand you feel differently,
I feel having sex with a cock, whether it is flesh or rubber,
carries a homosexual implication.
One Way Orifice
having sex with a cock—flesh or rubber—carries a homosexual
implication, then it would appear that you’re an old pro at
this gay sex stuff, MOWO, seeing as you’ve been having sex
with a cock since you started giving yourself handjobs at—what?
Backing up a bit: Straight men who are curious about anal
penetration—the penetration of their own anuses—often create
elaborate fantasy scenarios in which they’re compelled to
submit. Cruel-and-domineering-mistress scenarios, gay-rape
scenarios, giving-it-up-to-get-it scenarios. These fantasies,
while totally legit (and sometimes terribly hot), are also
very revealing. Many straight men, it seems, view anal penetration
as a pure power-and-domination trip for the top, and receptive
anal sex as a nightmare to be endured.
But, hey, I’m willing to suspend my disbelief, MOWO, and accept
your rough and implausible premise: Your sex life went stale
after six months of marriage despite the fact that you married
the kind of woman who’ll run out and buy a strap-on dildo
the very first time her husband broaches the subject of anal
sex. Alrighty . . .
It sure sounds like your wife is the one who’s really interested
in anal, MOWO. It also sounds like your wife is trying to
shift all responsibility to you—insisting that you’re the
obsessed one—perhaps because, like many women, she believes
(or worries that her husband believes) that “good” girls don’t
have filthy butt-sex fantasies. By insisting that this is
all about you, MOWO, your wife doesn’t have to admit to herself
or to you that she’s a dirty, dirty perv. She’s just a nice,
But since she’s the one who ran out and bought a strap-on
at the first hint of a discussion about anal sex, well, that’s
a pretty good indication that your wife was harboring pegging
fantasies—that is, a woman doing a man in the butt with a
strap-on dildo—long before you broached the subject. Perhaps
it was my column that perved her, or maybe she went to the
kind of college where they screen Bend Over Boyfriend during
freshman orientation. (Yeah, I’m looking at you, U-Pitt.)
And yes, MOWO, I do happen to believe that the best way for
a straight man to demonstrate to a straight woman that anal
sex can be mutually pleasurable—that it’s not (necessarily)
about dominance and degradation—is to do the gentlemanly thing
and go first. Or if I may paraphrase Barack Obama: Straight
men? Sometimes you gotta be the change that you seek.
And yes, MOWO, there are “homosexual implications” to pegging.
(There will also be homosexual exclamations: If she pegs your
ass properly, you should be squealing like a gay-pride-float
dancer or an Idaho Republican.) But you can explore anal pleasure—your
anus, mutual pleasure—without a scary ol’ strap-on. Let her
lay a vibrator over your asshole, not stick one in it. Or
better yet, go buy a buttplug. Buttplugs looks like no dick
you’ve ever seen—outside of sci-fi porn, perhaps—and carry
far fewer of those dreaded homosexual implications.
My boyfriend and I have been monogamous for three years.
We consider ourselves open, we enjoy different kinds of sex,
and our toy collection is extensive. A couple of months ago,
he brought up the fact that he has fantasized about me with
other men. The term is cuckolding, right? Anyhow, at first
I was slightly weirded out that he would even suggest it.
But I’m starting to find the idea intriguing. After all, it’s
a free pass to have sex with another man and it would turn
Now the questions: Are there any rules for this particular
fetish? How do we know if we can handle it? And if I have
sex with another man . . . does that mean I have to let him
have sex with another woman? Any advice about this and other
forms of “open” relationships would be greatly appreciated.
Experience Really Valuable Or Ultimate Screwup?
interesting that when your boyfriend shared his fantasy with
you, you jumped right to the term ‘cuckolding,’” says Tristan
Taormino, columnist, pornographer, and author of the new book
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships.
“By definition, a cuckold is a married man whose wife cheats
on him behind his back. A cuckold fetishist, on the other
hand, not only knows about his wife’s dalliances, but often
enjoys the humiliation of being forced to watch his wife bang
the other dude or dudes.”
Only your boyfriend knows for sure if it’s cuckolding he wants,
NERVOUS, and there are no assumptions in successful open relationships—and
no “free passes” either.
about responsible nonmonogamy involves a free pass of any
sort,” says Taormino. “It’s absolutely possible for you to
transform your monogamous relationship into one that’s nonmonogamous.
But you need to sit down and hash out the details, including
what’s OK and what’s not.” As for him sleeping with other
women, it may well be that your boyfriend wants to give you
permission to sleep with others without being able to sleep
with others himself; that kind of power imbalance is a huge
turn-on for most cuckolds. Again, you’ll have to talk to him.
And a final word from Taormino: “The more you hash this out
beforehand, the better you’ll both feel.”
The last time cuckolding came up in your column you
wrote: “Huge numbers of straight men have cuckolding fantasies.”
As a straight man, I want to know: Are gay men with cuckolding
fantasies few and far between?
DNA tests came along, ELI, only maternity could be taken for
granted; the cuckolding fetish is merely the boner-killing
lemons of male sexual/paternal insecurity turned into deliciously
perverted bonerade. Gay sex, on the other hand, doesn’t make
babies, only messes (which is all straight sex makes 99.98
percent of the time). Which may explain why, as a general
rule, ELI, gay men aren’t as threatened when our partners
are “taken” by other men. Heck, many of us are only too delighted
In other words, ELI, when some other guy is doing my boyfriend,
it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m being violated. It usually
means I’m having a three-way.
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