a 38-year-old straight male in a long-term relationship. We
have two children, still quite young. I am not sure what killed
the intimacy of our relationship, but my spouse and I have
been physically disconnected for years. This led to some rather
sleazy adulterate behavior on my part. We recently discussed
the topic at length (at which time I informed her of my indiscretions);
we have decided to remain together for our children because
we work well together as parents and we are pretty good friends.
We have also decided to “open” our relationship.
We both seem to want the same thing: a companion of the opposite
sex, a friend and lover. My spouse has one. It is someone
I am acquainted with, and I know him to be a fine, responsible
person. I have been looking for someone, but no luck. I posted
an ad online, but only managed to attract a Russian woman
living in Russia (or a scammer). Some direction would be greatly
By the way, I should mention that I am very good-looking,
in superb physical condition, charismatic, and highly educated.
let modesty prevent you from listing modesty among your many
qualities, ATH, as the chicks really dig that modesty stuff.
OK, so . . .
You’re looking for a companion of the opposite sex, a friend
and lover, someone who understands you’re committed to staying
in your marriage for the sake of the kids, someone you know
to be responsible and trustworthy, someone who gets the whole
open relationship concept . . .
How about the wife?
I know, I know: You two physically disconnected after the
births of your children (all too common), you engaged in some
sleazy adulterate behavior, wocka wocka wocka. But that’s
all out in the open now and you’ve decided to stay together
because you’re good parents, partners, and friends, and you’ve
opened the relationship up to seek friends-with-benefits,
as the straight people call ’em, or fuck buddies, as we gay
people like to call ’em.
But why not have sex with each other, anyway?
Not exclusively, of course. It’s important that you leave
things open at least for the time being, ATH, because openness
may help your wife realize that a person can be married to
Person A, have sex with Person B (and perhaps Persons C and
D, as well), and still be a good, loving, present spouse to
Person A. If she’s at all introspective, ATH, your wife will
come to this realization because that’s what she herself
is doing. She’s having sex with another man, while at
the same time being a good and loving wife to you and a good
and loving mom to her kids.
Once she has this realization—that love and commitment, and
not sexual exclusivity, is the important bond that you two
share—she may be able to forgive you, really forgive you,
for all your pre-open-marriage sleazy adulterate behavior.
And you may be able to restore your sexual connection, even
if you never become completely sexually exclusive again.
In the meantime, ATH, there are many more frustrated married
men out there seeking sex online than there are frustrated
married women seeking sex online. But since your deal with
the wife doesn’t exclude mutual friends and acquaintances—look
who she’s with—then there’s no need for you to troll online
exclusively or at all. Be open and honest with friends and
acquaintances about your situation and your search. If you
really are the superb, charismatic, and highly educated piece
of ass you claim to be, you’ll soon be fielding offers from
single female friends and/or secretly frustrated married female
For some reason, I have always found Native Americans
to be sexually attractive. But the whole semidark skin and
traditional breechcloth thing doesn’t seem to be easy to find
in porn or real life. I was wondering if you had some pointers
for someone with a bad case of Native American Jungle Fever.
There seems to be a distinct lack of Natives going about in
basic buckskin “dress” these days.
letter writer is correct,” says Sherman Alexie, the National
Book Award–winning author who was willing to demean himself
and risk career suicide by giving me a quote. “There is a
dearth of Native American porn.”
But Alexie tells me that once, while hunting for antique board
games, he typed “cowboy and Indian action figures” into Google
and found his way to a site that featured U.S. Cavalry soldiers
and loinclothed Indians smoking more than peace pipes. But
that’s all he’s got for us, pornwise. As for real life . .
just no way your reader is going to find an Indian willing
to put on a loincloth for sexual purposes,” says Alexie. “Unless
that Indian is a seriously damaged, culturally disconnected,
politically unaware, and unsafe-sex practicing slut.”
I part ways with Alexie here. Not because I know more about
Native Americans, Native American issues, or Native American
kinks. Goodness, no. But over the years, I’ve heard from way
too many healthy, politically aware, and sexually safe African
Americans who dig role-playing slavery scenarios—and too many
good Jews who get off on concentration-camp scenarios, and
too many polite Canadians who get off on clueless-American-tourist
scenarios (“Ooh, ask me who our ‘president’ is again!”)—to
rule out the possibility that there is a kind, decent, safe
Native American genuinely interested in role-playing cowboys-and-injuns.
Or cowboys-in-injuns and vice-versa. But they’re gonna be
So what can you do to up your odds of finding the action you
the letter writer is an attractive blond female,” says Alexie,
“she can head to the next powwow in the region where she lives,
pick out a handsome fancydancer, and hit on him. She’ll either
get laid in the back of a casino-money-financed SUV or she’ll
get assaulted by a roving band of Indian women looking to
protect our most precious and dwindling resource: Native American
Dan, I need to know. What bodily function is the opposite
of an orgasm? Thanks a lot.
it’s not exactly a bodily function, the back spasm is the
opposite of an orgasm,” says Sherman Alexie, the National
Book Award–winning author.
did he send that question to Alexie?” some of my readers are
no doubt asking themselves. That, of course, is a question
that only a thoughtless bigot would ask and I probably shouldn’t
dignify it with a response. But let’s approach this as a teaching
moment, shall we? I sent this question along to Alexie because
the National Book Award–winning author is the father of two
and, we can reasonably extrapolate, the haver of orgasms,
which more than qualifies him to field this question. OK,
back to Alexie:
the orgasm is the pleasurable release of stress, the back
spasm is the painful reminder of collected and unexpelled
stress. I am currently typing one-handed because I am shoving
my fist deep into my lower back as some sort of half-assed
pressure-point massage. Of course, since the U.S. has become
a chair-and-computer culture, the number of people who are
currently massaging their wrecked backs is vastly larger than
the number who are massaging their sexual organs.”
And when you pause to consider that all of the U.S. and most
of Canada were basically built on top of a giant Indian graveyard,
I’d say we’re getting off easy with a little lower-back pain.
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