accidentally discovered that my son-in-law is into BDSM sex
as a “dominant.” A few weeks ago, he was holding one of my
dog’s leashes and tried to stop my dog (a 13-year-old, docile
golden retriever) from running up to another dog by violently
yanking on the leash. My 65-pound dog was violently spun around
with a loud snap.
I reacted in a very hostile manner. He defended his actions,
and I started swearing at him. My daughter told me I was overreacting,
and they both left in a huff. Thinking about this, I realized
that I was thinking about my son-in-law inflicting pain on
my daughter in the same way he did to my dog. I can’t stomach
the thought of seeing him again and decided that I had to
explain my reasons to my daughter. I said that I could not
accept her husband getting pleasure from causing her pain.
She reacted with hostility, first telling me it was none of
my business and then denying he behaved in that manner. She
said I was crazy.
I didn’t tell my daughter that I had snooped in their home
and found his ligatures and spanking porn. I told her that
she should talk to someone about it and said that I would
not tell her mother. She eventually told her mother, and I
was forced to explain my reasoning and the source of my knowledge
to my wife. I feel that getting pleasure out of causing another
person pain and humiliation is not an acceptable form of behavior.
Now my daughter and son-in-law are not speaking to me. I don’t
ever want to see him again but would like to salvage my relationship
with my daughter. Any advice?
I am a 27-year-old female, single, with an active dating
and sex life. I find that I really enjoy sex while high, both
for its ability to help me lose my inhibitions and for the
way it makes me feel physically. The problem is that while
marijuana works well as a social lubricant, it leaves my mouth
bone-dry—which is in no way conducive to giving a good blowjob.
Water barely works at all to solve this problem. How can I
continue to smoke presex and still drum up enough saliva for
a good blow?
problem is very interesting, BS, but I actually have more
to say to DAD. Hold tight a minute.
Look, DAD, your daughter is right. What she and her husband
get up to in bed—or playroom or sex club or airport restroom—isn’t
any of your fucking business. And while you may feel that
“causing another person pain and humiliation is not an acceptable
form of behavior,” someone who finds pain and humiliation
erotic—someone like, oh, your daughter—might come to a different
Like the parents of the kinky gay kid whose boyfriend wrote
in a couple of weeks back, DAD, you snooped and consequently
learned some things about your kid that you didn’t need to
know. You learned stuff that you, as a parent, have a right
not to know. And guess what? It’s your own damn fault. Your
only option now—after you apologize to your daughter and your
son-in-law—is to pretend that you don’t know what you damn
well do know.
And, DAD, that’s an awfully big leap you’re making from “my
son-in-law accidentally hurt my dog” to “my son-in-law is
intentionally abusing my daughter.” Not knowing how to pull
a dog away from another dog isn’t proof that your SIL engages
in intentionally cruel, non consensual, dangerous BDSM sex.
OK, so he doesn’t know from dogs. But you can rest assured,
DAD, that most people into BDSM are careful and considerate
and make sure their bottoms or subs are human, for starters,
and enjoying the ligatures and spankings just as much as they
are because, you see, that’s the only way BDSM tops can keep
bottoms and subs coming back for more.
While it’s unfortunate that seeing your son-in-law with a
leash in his hand conjured up some rather upsetting mental
images—like, oh, your daughter being “snapped back” by a quick
tug on a leash—those mental images are, again, your own damn
fault, DAD, and you’re going to have to take some responsibility
But take comfort. Ligatures and spanking porn are pretty softcore,
as BDSM gear and interests go. Spend 10 minutes surfing around
www.mr-s-leather.com, www.medicaltoys.com, or www.christiandomesticdiscipline.com
to get a taste of how much more extreme your daughter and
son-in-law’s interests could be. Then go sit down with your
daughter and ask her to explain a bit about her turn-ons to
you, because you need some reassurance that she’s not being
abused and that her sex life with the son-in-law, whatever
form it takes, is mutually pleasurable, consensual, and rewarding.
And finally, promise her that you will never, ever bring any
of this up again, that you won’t go snooping ever again, and
that you won’t hold any of this against your son-in-law.
OK, BS, your problem can be solved with a can of Coke—or,
better yet, Pepsi, which just donated $500,000 to Parents,
Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, all but daring
the American Family Association to launch a boycott. Trust
me: You’ll find it much easier to get cock down your throat
when stoned after you pour a little high-fructose corn syrup
note to my readers: I get more letters at Savage
Love than I could ever hope to respond to personally and infinitely
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