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I
feel ridiculous e-mailing you about this, but I figure that
if anyone has seen or heard of all manner of asshole behavior
during sex, it would be you.
I’m a 17-year-old girl, and I’ve only had one boyfriend—who
was, at the time, 21 and, I thought, completely perfect. I’m
glad it’s over, and I learned my lesson. The only thing that’s
still bothering me is the reason we broke up. After promising
that he would never hurt me, and reassuring me that he was
sexually experienced and so passionate about contraception,
I finally agreed to have sex with him and lose my virginity.
And in the middle of fucking me, he removed the condom without
a word! He was hoping I wouldn’t notice! I did notice—and
I kicked his ass to the curb. He cried, he sent me stupid
gifts, and he still calls. But at least he didn’t get me pregnant.
My question is this: How upset should I be about this? Or
is this something that horny males do all the time? I’m not
traumatized. I suppose I could nominate him for “Crappy Boyfriend
of the Year,” but surely someone else’s boyfriend has done
worse things and deserves the title. I really just don’t know
how to feel about this.
—Just
Confused
How
upset should you be?
Very.
Did you do the right thing?
Absofuckinlutely.
Hell, JC, you did precisely what I would have urged you to
do had I been in the room. Of course, the second-to-last thing
a straight girl needs in the room with her when she’s losing
her virginity to some asshole straight boy is a gay man twice
her age desperately trying to get out. But if I had been there,
JC, and I realized what was going on, I would’ve stopped trying
to break down your locked bedroom door long enough to give
your boyfriend—aka the last thing you needed in the room that
night—something to cry about for real.
You consented to intercourse with protection, and that asshole
deceitfully initiated unprotected intercourse. When a fucker
removes a condom during intercourse—gay or straight, vaginal
or anal—it invalidates the fuckee’s consent to the fucking.
(And what is sex without consent, class?) So your “more experienced”
boyfriend sexually assaulted you, JC, and placed you at risk
of an unplanned pregnancy—and for what? An ever-so-slightly
enhanced orgasm for him?
What.
An.
Asshole.
This isn’t something that decent guys do at all, JC,
much less “all the time.” He’s an abusive douchebag, and you’re
well rid of him. Here’s hoping his next girlfriend takes proactive
steps to make sure the condom stays securely on—I’d suggest
staple-gunning the thing in place.
I’m a 23-year-old bi male mostly attracted to women. I have
a fetish for cross-dressing, but only in private, as I live
in a town—Tucson—that’s small enough that I might get recognized
if I went out “dressed.” My problem is that I’m not having
any luck finding a woman interested in having a long-term
relationship. I’ve been in a few serious relationships with
women in the last few years, and all have been GGG for every
kink I threw at them. But when I work up the nerve to float
guy-on-guy stuff or me wearing panties, I always get “Ewww,
gross!” I’ve tried online options to no avail. Where can I
meet my dream girl who will watch me with a guy while I am
wearing a skirt?
—Closet
Princess Seeking Princess
The
women you’ve dated were up for every kink you “threw at them,”
CPSP, until you tossed out your actual kinks, the ones you
care about, the ones that make your dick rock hard, and then
you got ewwwgrossed every time.
Hmm.
I’ll bet you’re breezy, charming, and funny when the stakes
are low and you’re discussing kinks that aren’t your own.
But when it comes time to share your kinks, CPSP, I
suspect you get nervous, sweaty, and tense. Because the stakes
are much, much greater.
Of course, bisexuality and cross-dressing—as opposed to, say,
a thing for feet or high heels (on her)—are going to be higher
hurdles for most women. The former because it taps into thoroughly
reasonable fears (what if you’re gay and not out yet? what
health risks is she running if you’re out there sucking off
other dudes?); the latter because for some women, seeing their
boyfriends engaged in what they perceive to be thoroughly
unmasculine activities—their asses panty-clad, their mouths
cock-stuffed—amounts to a deal-breaking turnoff.
But there are women into your kinks, CPSP; it’s just going
to take more than one or two Internet searches to find one.
And there are women out there who might be willing to go there
for you, if they love you enough, but you’ll never know if
she’s the one if you shut down after that first “Ewww, gross!”
I’m a 21-year-old, good-looking, sexually active, single
woman. I have never had a boyfriend, but I have many guy friends
who tell me that I’m great. Is it that men don’t want to date
me, or is my lack of putting up with bullshit getting me into
trouble?
—Alone
Again Unnaturally
You
don’t give me much to work with here, AAU. For instance, examples
of the kind of bullshit you’re incapable of putting up with
might help. Because you know what? Some bullshit is intolerable,
AAU, but there’s no such thing as a bullshit-free relationship.
A long-term relationship is, at its core, two people struggling
to put up with each other’s bullshit—day in, day out, year
after year—in exchange for things intangible (love) and things
tangible (sex). And no one is ever going to put up with your
bullshit, kiddo, if you can’t put up with theirs.
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I saw your offer to respond to all e-mails from people
who made at least a $25 donation to the fight against California’s
Proposition 8. I would like you to consider expanding the
offer to include donations to our campaign, also. As you may
know, Florida voters have been asked to approve a similar
amendment here. Amendment 2 is worse, actually, as it also
bans civil unions AND domestic partnerships. But we only need
40 percent of the vote to block it.
We’re no joke—we’ve raised about $4 million and our TV ads
start this week. But we need another $500,000 to push this
over the top.
—Derek
Newton, Campaign Manager, www.sayno2.com
You’re
in, Derek.
The six biggest Savage Love donors to either www.noonprop8.com
or www.sayno2.com will see their letters in print, and everyone
who makes a donation of at least $25 to either group—send
me your donation confirmation e-mail along with your question—gets
a personal reply from yours truly. The cutoff date for eligible
letters is October 16. And if my readers in Canada want to
play along, too, you’re invited to send proof of a donation
to someone, anyone, running against Stephen Harper.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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