this very special episode of Savage Love, I answer letters
from readers who made the largest donations to the campaigns
to preserve marriage equality in California (www.noonprop8.com),
protect same-sex couples in Florida (www.sayno2 .com), and
defeat Stephen Harper in Canada.
I’m a 31-year-old heterosexual woman, and my boyfriend and
I are starting to experiment with “pegging” (great term, btw).
He’s very much into submission and humiliation, and I find
I’m pretty damn good at the fem-dom thing. I understand that
preferences run the gamut and every couple needs to figure
out their own boundaries, but I was wondering if you could
give me your perspective on a couple of things I find troubling.
1. My boyfriend can be bossy sometimes, but I find his assertiveness
particularly irritating when he tells me how to dominate him.
Shouldn’t this be my job to figure out what I want to do to
him and just do it? I would never actually hurt him, but I
think he’s too bossy for a sub—or is that what people mean
by “the bottom is actually in charge?”
2. One of our “games” is when I get him almost to orgasm .
. . and then don’t allow him to come. He really likes being
denied orgasms, and maybe it’s my inner man-pleaser, but sometimes
I just like when he comes because it makes me feel some sense
of accomplishment and competence as a lover. However, I’ve
noticed lately that when I do let him come, he kind of acts
like a jerk afterward. Is this typical post-orgasm, men-don’t-need-to-cuddle
behavior, or is he upset because I didn’t “deny” him? I’ve
asked him, but he’s not very chatty when he’s in his post-orgasm
Pegger Eagerly Gratifies
It’s not your job to “figure out” how to dominate him. It’s
your job—both of your jobs—to talk about your turn-ons at
great length and then come up with a mutually pleasurable
list of BDSM activities and fantasies that you want to explore
together. Then when you’re fucking around, IPEG, stick pretty
close to the items and fantasies on that agreed-upon list—not
a list of what he wants, but a list of what you both want—while
gently pushing his boundaries. And while you’re fucking around,
he should refrain from all bossy behaviors and just freaking
Unless, of course, he opts to use his “safe word.” But to
prevent him from “topping from below,” IPEG, tell him that
using his safe word ends the scene and the sex. If
he uses his safe word, you get up, clean up, go to bed, give
each other a kiss, and talk things over later. That way he
won’t use the safe word to edit, i.e. it won’t be a tool he
can use to boss you around while you’re topping him.
2. If he’s not chatty in post-orgasm mode, chat with him later—you
know, when enough time has passed to put him back in pre-orgasm
mode. (An hour? Two? Twelve?) And tell him what you’ve told
me: You’ll deny him orgasms regularly, but you intend to make
him come regularly. Because it’s what you want.
A fem-dom relationship is supposed to be about – or appear
to be about—what you, the fem, wants and not what he, the
I don’t have a question in particular, but your column
inspired me to donate to this worthy cause (No on Prop 8).
However, I do have an addendum to your advice to Blowing Smoke,
which I thought was . . . eh.
Blowing Smoke likes smoking pot and she likes giving head,
but her mouth is too dry after smoking up to give a good blowjob.
Now this is a little gross, but generally when people vomit
they emit an excess amount of saliva. So, one way to remedy
a lack of lubrication when giving a blowjob is to deep-throat
his cock until you provoke a slight—emphasis on SLIGHT, you
don’t want to actually puke on him—gag-reflex reaction, which
will trigger the production of saliva.
the Gay Agenda
for sharing your money and tossing up those insights, STGA.
Now Blowing Smoke can get to work on fine-tuning the ol’ gag
I donated a pretty large sum for a guy who drives an
11-year-old Taurus. I wish I had a good question for you.
So, uh—have you ever received a question that made you dry-heave
a little in revulsion? What was the question?
Much Light Blinds
that have me heaving are a dime a dozen, TMLB. At least one
arrives every day. (After a couple of close calls—dry heaves
that almost went wet—I am now careful not to read my mail
immediately after a meal.) It’s the questions that elicit
a rare “Oh my God!” that are remarkable. The most recent example:
A poop lover who felt that I was unsympathetic to his kind—and
I am—took it upon himself to desensitize me to poop “play”
by sending me several dozen digital images of himself and
his wife before, during, and after a “session.” Unsurprisingly,
his efforts backfired.
Thank you for getting people involved in the No on Prop 8
I’m a 30-year-old gay guy and moved from one city to
another. Shortly after I moved, my boyfriend dumped me and
I began a fairly long and severe depression. I had scarcely
any friends in my new city, but never in my life did I need
The problem was that many of the guys I met were interested
in a romantic relationship. I, however, was entirely undatable.
But because I was lonely, I went ahead and dated these guys
for a while. These were great guys, and I really wanted their
friendship, but I wasn’t emotionally available for more. I
feel bad because I ended up jerking them around and hurting
This is my question: How can a young gay man negotiate the
whole “friends” thing? Should I view other single guys as
poor prospects and seek out girls/couples/heteros for friendship?
Is the line between friendship and dating always fuzzier for
making this more complicated than it needs to be, LFF.
Look, you were depressed and alone in a new city and had recently
been dumped, LFF, and all of that sucks. But it’s naughty
for folks—gay, straight, bi, whatever—to take advantage of
people who find them attractive. And that’s exactly what you
were doing to those guys. There wasn’t anything “fuzzy” going
on here, LFF; you weren’t confused about your feelings. Those
guys made it clear that they were into you; it was clear to
you that you weren’t into them, but you went ahead and dated
them anyway—you encouraged them to think you had some interest
in them because you wanted their companionship and support.
And you got it under false pretenses. Understandable, again,
given your emotional state, but not cool.
Now, you don’t have to rule out all other single gay men as
potential friends in the future, LFF, just the ones who are
attracted to you sexually and/or romantically. Unless you’re
all things to all people —and you can’t be because no one
is—there are single gay men out there who might want your
companionship but not your ass, LFF. Make friends with them.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.