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I
have to say I’m disappointed.
Proposition 8 passed in California, as did anti-gay-marriage
amendments in Florida and Arizona. Decency and compassion
suffered a horrible blow, and I was hoping to hear a few words
from you about it. Some inspiration before I took off from
work to go and protest the Mormon Church. Maybe you had your
column written already, but couldn’t you have pulled an all-nighter
in order to write something more relevant?
—A
Loyal Reader
Sorry,
ALR, but due to the vagaries of the dead-tree media, I file
these columns roughly a week in advance, and it went to press
on Tuesday morning, before any election returns were in. (Please
note: At my house, “filing a column” doubles as a euphemism
for taking a crap. Make of that what you will.)
But here’s my election-night reax, a week late, for what it’s
worth: I voted for Obama, gave money to Obama, and cried when
CNN called it for Obama. But the approval of the Mormon-bankrolled
anti-gay-marriage amendment in California quickly snuffed
my Obama buzz. I had expected anti-gay-marriage amendments
in Arizona and Florida to pass, of course, but voters in California—particularly
those who voted for Obama, against the rights of same-sex
couples, and for the rights of farm animals—came close to
ruining election night for me.
But let’s look on the bright side of the anti-gay-marriage
amendments, shall we? The openly Republican governor of Florida,
Charlie Crist—who got engaged to a real live girl when he
was in the running to be McCain’s VP—won’t have to marry a
real live girl now. Because it’s illegal for gays to get married
now in Florida—right, Charlie? And even in California there’s
a little good news: Voters approved this year’s anti-gay-
marriage amendment by much smaller margins (52 to 48) than
they approved an anti-gay- marriage law back in 2000 (61 to
38). So . . . uh . . . we’re winning, even as we’re losing.
Or something.
But now, to honor Barack Obama’s historic victory, I will
answer questions that were e-mailed by readers on election
night. While you were obsessing about election returns, there
were people out there writing to me about . . .
I am a completely straight guy. I am madly in love with
my girlfriend. One night, she was giving me oral and stuck
a finger in my ass. I was uncomfortable at first, but in a
little time I began to like it. I found it felt so good. Now
my girlfriend asked if I wanted to try a butt plug. At first
I said, “Yes!” But now, the more I think about it, I am starting
to think it may be gay. My question: Is there something gay
about using a butt plug?
—Guy
With Anal Interests
I’ve
dedicated my life to reassuring panicky straight boys that
a little anal stimulation won’t make ’em gay. My oft-stated
position: If a guy and a girl are doing it during sex—whatever
it is, whatever it looks like—it’s straight sex. And, yes,
that includes a pair of straight girls making out to turn
on a straight boy, as well as the far less common straight-boys-making-out-to-turn-on-a-straight-girl
scenario.
But no more. From now on I intend to sow gay panic when and
where I can. Maybe straight men, who voted in overwhelming
numbers for the various anti-gay shit on their ballots, won’t
be so quick to strip gay people of their civil rights if they’re
worried that one false move—or one finger up the butt—can
turn them gay. So for the record, breeder boys: A finger in
the butt can make you gay, using a butt plug can make you
gay, doing it doggy style can make you gay, playing with your
nipples can make you gay, fucking a woman in the ass can make
you gay, wiping from front-to-back can make you gay, standing
up to pee can make you gay, and watching dudes hump dudes
on ESPN—Ultimate Fighting Championship—for sure makes you
gay.
I hope you can help. My boyfriend gets home from Afghanistan
next week, and I want to surprise him with anal. I can’t find
anything online about preparing for it. I don’t want to be
messy. It’s always clean in porn videos. Please advise.
—Desperate
Careful
there, Desperate, I’d hate to see your boyfriend turn gay.
But if you want to risk it, get your hands on a copy of Tristan
Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.
But don’t blame me if he wants to gay marry you afterward.
I’m a 21-year-old bi guy, and I was recently hanging
out at my university’s Queer Collective when the issue of
the “F” word came up. I argued that it was OK to use the word
so long as it’s not derogatory. The lesbians, however, thought
that it was disgusting slang, almost like using the “N” word
to describe black people. What do I do, Dan? Is the “F” word
off limits?
—Flabbergasted
About Glossary
The
“F” word should only be used to describe voters in California,
Florida, and Arizona who cast ballots for Obama and their
state’s anti-gay- marriage amendments.
We are talking about the word “fuckers,” right?
I have a question of a more medical nature for you.
My husband and I have been married four months, both virgins
at the time of marriage. We have sex three or four times a
week and always use lube. The problem is that sex is very
painful for me. On my back or from behind is uncomfortable,
but tolerable. Me on top is unbearable. My husband is aware,
and sensitive, to this issue. He makes sure I’m relaxed and
will change positions or stop when I ask. Will it get any
better? I want to have sex without any hesitation.
—Painful
Intercourse Needs To Stop
Here’s
an idea that might help, PINTS: Have more sex but less vaginal
intercourse. Get some oral-sex sessions into the mix, along
with some mutual-masturbation sessions; in other words, sex
you can have without hesitation right now. Then go see a doc
to make sure there isn’t a medical issue here. If there isn’t,
slowly work vaginal intercourse back into the mix, experimenting
with new positions and lubricants, without eliminating oral
and mutual masturbation as stand-alone sex acts you can enjoy
with the husband and sex acts you can transition to when vaginal
intercourse isn’t working for you.
I’m a straight white boy of 25 who is very excited about
Obama’s victory and the landslide in Congress. Proposition
8 is still undecided, though, while they count votes. I wanted
you to know that I’m rooting for you, my uncle, his partner—his
husband, actually, as of last week—and every gay man and woman
in California.
—Stephen
Thanks
for the note, Stephen, but Proposition 8 was decided by the
time I got it. My condolences to your uncle and his husband.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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