am a straight, crossdressing male into bondage. That’s not
my problem. Recently, I began seeing a professional Dominatrix
for forced crossdressing, among other things. She was great,
but our last session ended abruptly when She told me that
She wanted to start dildo training me. I was all for it, but
I asked Her, politely, if She could use my dildo. In no uncertain
terms, She said no.
I then asked, politely, if She would wash Her dildo in bleach
in front of me so that I would know it was clean. She ended
the session right then and there, and She told me not to contact
Was I out of line? I signed a “contract” with Her that said
I would not “top from the bottom,” but She has several other
slaves who She probably uses that dildo on and I just wanted
to know for sure that the dido was clean. I know I won’t be
seeing Her again, but it would be nice to know if you thought
I was out of line. She reads your column.
Her Ends Edgy Session Hastily
did this woman tell you to gather your panties and go?
That’s hard for me to say, SHEESH, as I’m not a mind reader.
But I see two possible explanations: One, she is unwilling
to pause, step out of her role, and renegotiate a scene that’s
already underway, in which case you are well rid of her. Or,
two, you’re an insufferable controlling twat, and you managed
to annoy the fuck out of her and she kicked your ass to the
I might be inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt and
declare you the wronged party here, SHEESH, but your having
carried this dispute into a column that you know she reads
tips me over to her side. By writing to me, you’re not just
seeking the last word, SHEESH, but hoping to have the satisfaction
of seeing this woman dressed down in public. So while you
were careful to submissively capitalize all those third-person
pronouns—as if She Herself were God Himself—your letter leads
me to believe that in person, as in print, you’re a disrespectful,
controlling, and manipulative piece of shit.
In other words, SHEESH, I suspect that your beef about the
cleanliness of that dildo wasn’t your infraction, but the
last fucking straw.
I’m having an interesting dilemma.
I’m a 20-year-old female and a junior in college. For the
past few years, I’ve been working on becoming a journalist.
But I’ve found myself less and less interested (and passionate)
about it as time goes on. And I think I’d rather be a fetish
For the past year, I’ve been a submissive in a D/s relationship
with my boyfriend. I love him very much, and he is more respectful
toward me than any other man I’ve been with. Lately, we’ve
been toying with the idea of creating a fetish-modeling Web
site. I do not want to be shot nude or have sex on camera,
but I love the idea of bondage photos and pursuing this as
a career, and so does he.
From the photos I’ve done so far, I’m pretty sure this could
pay off and be more personally satisfying than a job at a
newspaper. But I’m nervous about what my family and friends
will say when they realize I’m never going write for the Washington
Post or The New York Times.
or fetish modeling, journalism or fetish modeling—gee, which
career is right for you?
Um, KC? If you bothered to read either of the newspapers you
cite as possible future places of employment, you would know
that times are tough at daily newspapers. The Internet ate
their business model—so long, lucrative classified ads! hello
“citizen journalists”!—and right now, it’s all layoffs and
buyouts all the time at daily and weekly newspapers. If you
care so little about journalism that you’re tempted to make
a career of posting bondage pictures to a website instead,
KC, then don’t go into journalism. Leave the few jobs that
remain at newspapers to people who have some passion for the
So it’s fetish modeling for you, right? Not so fast, kinkster.
Porn companies, large and small, are experiencing similar
financial difficulties. Just as many people are willing to
write for free online, many millions of people are willing
to post everything from “tasteful” fetish shots to hardcore
porn online for free. So while there may be a handful of people
out there who’ll pay to see you tied up, you’re probably not
going to make enough money as a fetish model to support yourself.
So you might want to think of some other line of work, something
with more job security and better long-term prospects—perhaps
banking or real estate?
I have a bigot in the family. My brother’s mother-in-law
is scared this country is “on its way” to legalizing same-sex
marriage, which is “against what her Bible tells [her].” Debating
the issue with her is no use, because it always comes back
to her religious beliefs. She doesn’t dislike gays, and she’s
said that if gay marriage becomes legal she’ll help me find
Outside of the marriage issue, she shows no prejudice. As
a gay man, I find her views on marriage reprehensible, but
I’m conflicted about how to deal with her in the future. I
see her half a dozen times each year on holidays, the same
time I typically see my nieces and nephews. I don’t want her
bigotry to impose on my right and desire to spend time with
these kids as their uncle. On the other hand, I can’t just
sit there and be quiet.
Bigots In Brooklyn
looking for proof that the United States is “on its way toward
legalizing same-sex marriage,” despite recent setbacks, only
has to look to the numbers of people—gay and straight—who
poured into streets over the last two weeks to protest the
bigotry of the Mormon Church and its assault on minority rights
and individual liberty. (Oh, Canada: While we scream and yell
about being the land of the free, you quietly live it. I love
how my boyfriend magically becomes my husband when we visit
Canada, without anyone else’s marriage being threatened. Here’s
hoping that one day soon the United States will recognize
the legal marriages of all Canadian citizens, gay and straight.)
OK,, BBIB, my favorite sign at the protest I attended in New
York City last week—well, after “Jesus Had Two Daddies,” “Use
Your Magic (Underpants) for Good, Not Evil,” and “Thou Shalt
Not Fuck with Us”—was this: “No More Mr. Nice Gay.” If anyone
caught me on Anderson Cooper 360º later that same night,
you saw me refusing to play Mr. Nice Gay in a conversation
with lying right-wing überbigot Tony Perkins. (Looking to
get involved in the fight? Jointheimpact.com is a good place
But while I’m down with the whole no more Mr. Nice Gay thing,
BBIB, I see no need to go postal on your brother’s MIL. She’s
not Tony Perkins; she’s a human being. And it sounds like
her affection for you is already on a collision course with
her bigotry. Stand firm, continually emphasize that there’s
a difference between civil marriage rights and religious marriage
rites. Polls show that many Americans have already come around
on this issue. Thanks to the work you’ve already done, BBIB,
it sounds like your brother’s MIL will be next.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.