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I
am a 28-year-old woman who has been with my boyfriend for
two years. I would call it a stable, fulfilling, and kinky
relationship. I consider myself GGG, and every time my boyfriend
has brought up a kink or variation, I’ve been willing to try
it. Some things became a permanent part in our play, others
have gone into the “tried that, didn’t like it” pile without
any problems.
Recently, though, there has been a problem.
Eight years ago, I was raped. I have had counseling, but I
am still sometimes troubled by nightmares and flashbacks.
My boyfriend knows this. Lately, though, he has expressed
a desire to explore rape scenarios. His ideal setup would
be to obtain my consent in advance, then, sometime when the
mood struck him, he would “attack” and take me, and I couldn’t
say no or use a safe word. Once the “rape” started, he could
do whatever he wanted, and I would not be able to stop it.
I don’t think I can do this, not without sending me into flashbacks.
I told him that and, as this is the only time I have flat-out
refused to even try one of his ideas, I hoped that would be
the end of it. It hasn’t been. He has been pressing it more
and more, and there have been times when I’ve had to leave
the apartment, I’ve felt so threatened. I’ve told him that
if he keeps pressuring me like this, I will end the relationship.
He’s told me that by threatening to leave him, I’m manipulating
him, and that I have no regard for his needs. But I just can’t
let him rape me, even in play. Am I really being out of line
for not giving in to him on this issue and telling him that
continued pressure for this would end our relationship?
—Needs
Her Boundaries
Dump
the motherfucker already.
Someone who has experienced a shattering sexual trauma—rape,
abuse, a world-class betrayal—has to make a good-faith effort
to put the pieces back together again before entering into
a new sexual and/or romantic relationship. We all have a right
to expect emotional support from our partners, but our partners
have a right to expect that we will be able to meet their
reasonable sexual needs.
You did all the right things after you were raped, NHB. You
got counseling, you got yourself together, and you entered
this new relationship ready to be sexual and more than capable
of meeting your partner’s reasonable sexual needs. You are,
however, suffering from some common aftereffects of sexual
trauma—nightmares, flashbacks—that you do not have to apologize
for and that he has to be considerate of.
And considering your history—and considering that your boyfriend
knew about your history going into this relationship—ruling
out rape play is perfectly reasonable on your part and should
have been expected on his. Had this conflict ended with your
refusal—even if it elicited a little sulking and douchebaggery
on your boyfriend’s part—I wouldn’t be telling you to DTMFA.
This rises to the level of DTMFA for two reasons.
First, no safe word? Unreasonable. No way for you to call
a stop to it? What if he decides to rape you when you have
the flu? Or when your parents are in the next room? What if
your fucking appendix bursts in the middle of this “scene”?
While some rape victims—excuse me: survivors—develop rape
fantasies, those fantasies are paradoxically about control;
the “victim” in a fantasy rape scenario gets to pick her “rapist,”
decides the hour and circumstances, and can call a halt to
it at any time. A rape role-play scenario you can’t stop when
you decide you’re done isn’t just a rape role-play scenario.
It’s potentially rape. Just say no.
Second, the pressure. Stitch together all the red flags in
China and you won’t have one as large the one your boyfriend
has raised. He’s pressuring you to consent to sex that he
knows is highly likely to leave you feeling traumatized. His
unwillingness to drop this, NHB, suggests a desire on his
part to traumatize you for real, not for pretend. And if you’re
already leaving the house because you feel unsafe, I would
suggest that he’s already succeeded in traumatizing you.
You thought this was “a stable, fulfilling, and kinky relationship,”
NHB. You were mistaken. DTMFA.
I’m a 17-year-old high-school student, male, into foot
worship and humiliation. I’m having problems separating my
desire to be humiliated sexually from a willingness to be
humiliated socially. A girl is using me as her “fallback.”
I like “Nancy” a lot more than she likes me. I was in a relationship
with another girl, and that’s when Nancy told me she loved
me. So I broke up with my girlfriend, but now Nancy is unwilling
to date me. I think she just enjoys having control over me.
Nancy is also the only girl I get to indulge my foot fantasies
with. The problem is, this gives me the thrill of humiliation,
but it means I’m not getting off, yet I’m too turned on to
help myself.
—Anonymous
Foot Slave
You’ve
got a pretty good handle on what’s going on here: Nancy doesn’t
want you for a boyfriend, but she enjoys the control she has
over you. You’re not even her fallback guy, AFS. You’re merely
living, breathing, foot-worshiping proof that she’s sexually
attractive and, by putting up with her shit, you give her
a palpable sense of how powerful that is and she is.
So knowing that, what the hell do you do?
Seeing as you get to indulge your foot fantasies with Nancy,
something you weren’t able to do with your previous girlfriend(s),
I think you should keep seeing Nancy. But resolve to see her
differently. She’s using you, right? Use her right back: Get
your foot fantasies indulged, enjoy the thrill of being humiliated,
then go home and beat off. But remind yourself, after you’ve
come, that she’s not your girlfriend and never will be. And
resolve to go to college far, far away from this Nancy person,
and never speak to her again.
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My husband and I were married in a beautiful ceremony
a few weeks ago. He’s a transman, and while neither of us
hides in any closets, it hadn’t occurred to us to specifically
tell my parents that he’s trans—he lives his life as the man
that he is. One of my mother’s sisters, however, loves starting
drama. She did a bit of online digging and found out that
he’s trans, and she started informing family members. Now
we’re facing family holidays with the knowledge that she may
make a scene. How do we deal with this situation? There’s
simply not much chance that we can get my parents alone to
discuss it before the holidays.
—Female
Takes Male
Your
aunt can use your husband’s status as a transman as a club—a
beat-you-with club, not a golf-and-cocktails club—only as
long as you’re not being fully truthful about it, which is
sometimes referred to as being “closeted.” Your only choice
now is to get out in front of this, FTM. Tell your parents,
tell your extended family—tell them now (perhaps in a letter),
tell them why you didn’t tell them then (not relevant, none
of their business), and tell them why you’re telling them
now (aunt so-and-so is a ripe, royal cunt).
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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