girlfriend and I have been on-and-off for almost two years.
I took her back after she cheated on me. The only thing now
is that she wants to have a threesome. I am really not down
with sharing her, but I am willing to do it because otherwise
some other girl will do it for her. I told her that I want
to be stoned when it happens, because I don’t think I can
handle it sober. She got mad because she doesn’t like drugs.
Then what am I supposed to do?
With One Real Dilemma
supposed to wake the fuck up already.
You can be in a monogamous relationship with someone, LWORD,
or you can be in a relationship with this woman—but you
can’t be in a monogamous relationship with this woman.
She’s already proven herself to be inept at this monogamy
stuff; she cheated on you, you took her back, and now she’s
pressing you to bring in the occasional third. You may not
be down with sharing her, LWORD, but she seems pretty intent
on being shared.
Here’s the question you should be asking yourself: Do you
want this woman in your life badly enough to overcome your
aversion to sharing? Agreeing to a three-way—so long as you’re
baked—doesn’t count. A three-way involving a woman; her reluctant,
resentful, self-medicating girlfriend; and some innocent bystander
is unlikely to (1) be very much fun for anyone involved (particularly
your unlucky third) or (2) put an end to your girlfriend’s
desire for share time.
Your girlfriend is seeking to fold her desire to sleep with
other women into the structure of your relationship: three-ways
now, perhaps some degree of openness later. She gets points
for being honest this time, but she loses points for being
manipulative and controlling. (Fresh pussy for her, no pot
for you? Please.) And if this three-way is a disaster and
you refuse to have others—which may be the outcome you’re
subconsciously hoping for—I predict that your girlfriend will
just go back to cheating on you.
So returning to my original point: If you want a girlfriend
you don’t have to share, find another girlfriend. If you want
this girlfriend, learn to share.
And invest in a vaporizer.
I recently read the novel A Melon for Ecstasy for an
English class, and an interesting debate came up. The book
is about a guy who is sexually attracted to trees and goes
around drilling holes into trees so that he can “seal the
deal.” Though he feminizes the trees, he cares nothing about
actual human females.
The debate was centered on this question: Is this man heterosexual?
Or is he really gay? Is he having vaginal sex with a woman
or anal sex with a man? Or something else entirely?
the male protagonist in A Melon for Ecstasy is having
sexual intercourse with lady-trees—“feminized” trees—then
the male protagonist is a true-blue, red-blooded, lady-tree-fucking
straight boy, RF.
But it doesn’t surprise me that a room full of mostly straight
college students would seek to cast doubt on this character’s
heterosexuality. “Heterosexual” for many young people is practically
synonymous with “normal.” Introduce college-age straight kids
to a not-so-normal heterosexual character, and they’ll spend
the rest of the afternoon searching for evidence that the
dude is gay. He can’t be straight—he’s not normal! This explains
the ability of some in your class to look at lady-tree fucking
and see, of all things, “anal sex with a man.” Isn’t santorum
bad enough? Do we have to worry about splinters now too? (Queer-studies
kids who read homosexuality into obviously straight fictional
characters are, for the record, just as annoying.)
I have to disagree with your response to SHEESH, the
guy who asked his Dom to show him that her dildo was clean.
He is right and the Dom is wrong. Period. You should never
let anybody stick anything into your body unless you know
where it’s been. Just because somebody is a bottom, he doesn’t
have to be reckless. This isn’t about being uppity. This is
about staying healthy.
So, bravo for Mr. SHEESH.
was inclined to side with SHEESH, as I said in my response,
until he indicated that his Dom, who had asked him not to
contact her again, was a Savage Love reader. If SHEESH was
using my column to get back at his Dom, well, how badly did
he behave during his sessions with her? (And remember: We
only had SHEESH’s version of events to go on.) But like I
said in my column: “[If] she is unwilling to pause, step out
of her role, and renegotiate a scene that’s already underway,
SHEESH . . . you are well rid of her.” But most people thought
my advice for SHEESH blew chunks . . .
Your response to SHEESH belittles the rights of submissive
men (myself included). Maybe this particular sub had a bit
of an obsession with hygiene, and his mistress (let’s not
forget who is the employee here) asked him to leave out of
self-righteous pettiness. However, it doesn’t even matter
what actually happened because you have empowered dominant
women to demand more and give less.
for sharing, UMS, and I’m sure all the pro Doms out there
appreciate the reminder about who the employee is. Moving
on . . .
I don’t know what pro Dom that idiot SHEESH is seeing,
but all pro Doms worth their weight in latex use condoms over
dildos. Always. This pro may have just not gotten around to
throwing the condom on it, and she saw this as an opportunity
to get rid of a bore. But shared toys always need a condom
for everyone’s protection.
for sharing, S&M 101 . . .
Thank you! I’m a professional Dominatrix in NYC, and I
all but gave your response to SHEESH a standing ovation. I
mean, really: Does he expect anyone to believe that she would
just throw away a quality client for shits and giggles? In
this economy? Gimme a break. He was obviously a douche.
After the recent legal/press issues that NYC pros have had
to deal with, it was great to see someone have our back in
print. First Barack Obama gets elected, and now Dan Savage
shows pro Doms some love: Things are looking up!
for sharing, AWTF. And speaking of Barack Obama, and in the
spirit of dominance, I’m going to order everyone out there
reading this to send a postcard to Obama, reminding him that
(1) he made certain promises to the gay community during the
campaign (repeal DOMA, scrap DADT) and (2) he needs to keep
’em. Send your postcard to:
President-elect Barack Obama
Presidential Transition Office
Kluczynski Federal Building
230 S. Dearborn St., 38th Floor
Chicago, IL 60604.
Find more info at Jointheimpact.com.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.