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I
am obsessed with my girlfriend sitting on my face, so I can
eat her out while my nose penetrates her. It drives her crazy
as well. I am wondering if you have heard of a dildo that
could be mounted on my face, specifically on my nose, so that
I penetrate her more deeply while she sits on my face and
I lick her clit? Basically, I want her to be able to really
ride my face while I lick her clit.
—Strange
Fantasy Dude
“Sadly,
there’s no out-of-the-box solution I can recommend,” says
Cory Silverberg of Come As You Are, Toronto’s worker-owned-and-operated
sex shop. “There are harnesses that are meant to strap on
to the head, like the Head-On Harness available at Stockroom.com.
But it covers the mouth.” So you wouldn’t be able to eat your
girlfriend out with one buckled to your face.
Cory continues, “And there is the often-poked-fun-at Accommodator.”
(A latex harness that straps a dildo to your chin and looks
just as ridiculous as it feels.) “But it isn’t hollow, so
it couldn’t be worn comfortably over the nose,” he says. And
finding something that fits comfortably over your nose is
going to be your biggest problem.
“It
would need to be hollow,” explains Cory, “but it would need
enough heft such that it wouldn’t be constantly buckling and
hitting you in the mouth or between the eyes. The tricky thing
is that the nose is so close to the eyes, so anything with
straps might dig in or at least go over the eyes in an uncomfortable
way.”
So what do you do?
“Get
in touch with a good harness maker and ask if they do custom
work,” Cory recommends. “One of my favorites is Outlaw Leather
in Seattle (www.outlawseattle.com).” Outlaw Leather produces
high-quality dildo harnesses and could, in theory, make you
a dildo harness that fits comfortably over your nose. Custom
work is expensive, of course. “But no one said dreams came
cheap,” says Cory.
But if you’re going to go the custom-made route, SFD, I think
you might have better luck with a custom-made hood. They’re
designed to be worn over the nose, and most have mouth openings.
You could easily have one made with a wider mouth opening
and an extended nosepiece.
“You
could also go the Cyrano de Bergerac route,” says Cory, “and
look into getting a high-quality prosthesis that fits over
the nose.” He thinks the folks lurking at Pinocchia (forums.pinocchia.com)—a
site for guys into girls with big noses—might have some idea
where to get a prosthesis.
I’m a 30-year-old, mildly genderqueer, bi-leaning-het
male virgin. I’m not uncomfortable around women—pretty much
all of my friends are women—I don’t really have any confidence
issues, and I know I’m not a prude. But for reasons too complicated
to get into here, I just haven’t gotten around to screwing
anybody yet. I’m waiting for the right person, and it just
hasn’t happened yet. I don’t want to have sex with somebody
who’s drunk or emotionally vulnerable, or manipulate anybody,
and it’s very important to me that sex be (among other things)
a form of affection and not isolated sex-for-sex’s-sake.
I know I’m the only person who can answer the question of
whether I want to have sex right now. But do I need to have
sex right now? Because one day I’m going to fall in love,
and it’s going to get sexual. The message I hear from a lot
of people I respect is that I’m going to pay a price for waiting
until then to get laid. Am I? Am I probably going to be OK?
—Virgin
At Thirty
Yeah,
you’ll be OK—but by ruling out drunks, the emotionally vulnerable,
and the easily manipulated, VAT, you increase the odds that
you’ll remain a virgin for the rest of your natural life.
A lot of very beautiful relationships—to say nothing of a
lot of very timely deflowerings—owe their existences to booze,
emotional vulnerability, and a little well-timed, well-intentioned
manipulation.
And wherever did you get the idea that sex-for-sex’s-sake
can’t also be affectionate?
I’m a 28-year-old woman. I’ve been with my current boyfriend
for five years. He’s married and has been telling me the whole
time that he’s going to leave his wife eventually. There’s
always an excuse: a crisis with the kids, money problems,
etc. I’ve been stupid to stay with him for so long, but I
just can’t keep away from him.
I just found out I’m pregnant, and I haven’t told my boyfriend.
This is the second time we’ve been pregnant. Last time he
reacted very badly, and I miscarried after a few weeks. I
know he’ll want me to get rid of the baby, but I’m going to
keep it.
Whenever his wife goes away, I go over to the house to spend
time with him. I’ve been planting evidence of our affair around
the house in the hopes his wife will find it. So far, no luck.
I’d like him to be man enough to leave her, but that’s probably
never going to happen. I could leave him, but if I do, I want
to make sure he’s miserable. I’m not going to vanish from
his life and leave him all happily ever after. I’m thinking
of going and telling his wife. What do you think? Is there
any way I can force him to tell her?
—Now
The Other Mom
No
advice for you, NTOM, but plenty of prenatal sympathy for
a poor unfortunate fetus who deserves better parents or his
very own miscarriage.
I will, however, hold on to your letter. I’m going to forward
a copy to every doucheburst who writes in to tell me that
gay marriage is wrong because every child deserves a mother
and a father. Moms and dads can be great—I had a terrific
set, myself—but mix-matched genitals are not enough. Kids
need loving, fit, and reasonably sane parents. Having one
twatted parent and one pricked parent does not guarantee a
happy childhood.
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I am a straight, 18-year-old girl and a college freshman.
A couple of months ago, I lost my virginity to my first serious
boyfriend, and since then we’ve been having sex several times
a day. Apparently we have been a bit too enthusiastic, because
my boyfriend received a note from his downstairs neighbors.
In crass and abusive language, they told us to keep it down.
I was mortified. Post-note, I’ve been tense and nervous during
sex, more focused on listening for the neighbors than enjoying
the act. This is upsetting me terribly, and I don’t know how
to make it better. Even if we are both silent, the bed inevitably
squeaks and thumps. There is really nowhere else on campus
for us to go (I have three roommates who don’t get out much.)
What should I do? I am so depressed by this situation.
—Loud
and Clear
Go
buy the original Broadway cast recording of Avenue Q. The
next time you have sex, blast “You Can Be as Loud as the Hell
You Want (When You’re Makin’ Love)” at top volume. When the
neighbors complain about the music, tell them that they can
listen to show tunes or put up with the noise you guys make
when you have sex—their pick.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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