a 34-year-old straight woman living with a 32-year-old straight
man. His daughter is 2, and I am the only mother she has ever
known. (Her real mother is a crack whore somewhere.) My boyfriend
tells me he loves me, but it doesn’t feel like he wants to
spend any time with me. I pay the rent and am the only person
in our household with a full-time job. When I get home, I
want to relax. He wants to go out because he has been sitting
at home all day. If he hasn’t been at home, he has been running
around with his friends. This pisses me off, and I am not
afraid to tell him so. His response? “You’re just jealous
because you have to work!” Damn right I’m jealous! Also, I
do all the cooking and don’t get any help with cleanup or
Other factors include my 13-year-old son, who has had trouble
adjusting to a baby in the house; my boyfriend’s outstanding
warrants; and the fact that I have desperately wanted another
baby for 10 years. What on earth should I do?
Against The Wall
one occupational hazard of the advice-column bidness: If you’re
not careful, if you’re not constantly on your guard, you can
fill your column with letters like BATW’s. Your column fills
up with letters from people asking, in essence, “DTMFA?” and
you’re forced to respond, “Yes, for fuck’s sake, DTMFA.” (For
those of you just tuning in: DTMFA stands for “dump the motherfucker
already.”) You may be helping people, sure, but your column
quickly becomes a tedious slog, people stop reading, and then
you have to get a real job at an auto plant or a hedge fund
or a daily newspaper.
But there is one good reason to run DTMFA letters: You can
dispose of the letter quickly—keep the baby, if at all possible,
BATW, and DTMFA the freeloading, inconsiderate piece of shit—and
move on to more interesting topics.
For instance: A new study out from the Bradley Hasbro Children’s
Research Center found that “anal sex is on the rise” among
straight teenagers and young adults. According to a heavy-breathing
report from ABC News, straight kids are having butt sex “to
please a partner, to have sex without the risk of pregnancy,
or to preserve their virginity.”
I’m old enough to remember when getting fucked in the ass
was considered a sex act, something that virgins, almost by
definition, shied away from. But that was before kids were
subjected to religious indoctrination masquerading as sex-ed.
Abstinence “educators” emphasize the importance of virginity—but
they only talk about vaginal intercourse because they figure
if we don’t tell kids about anal sex they’ll never
figure out what brown can do for them. But they do figure
it out. And lacking accurate info, kids aren’t just concluding
that anal sex isn’t really sex. (“Otherwise it would’ve
been covered in our sex-ed classes, right?”) Kids are telling
researchers that anal intercourse, unlike the premarital vaginal
intercourse they were warned about (STDs! pregnancy! eternal
damnation!), carries no risk of disease. (I can’t wait
to tell all my dead friends!)
I wanted to scream and yell about this study—and a DTMFA letter
leaves plenty of room—but then I figured, you know, fuck
it. I’ve been ranting and raving about the idiocy of abstinence
education for 10 years. Obviously I can’t beat ’em, so I might
as well join ’em. All my life I’ve had to listen to fundamentalist
Christian bigots like Pat Robertson and Rick Warren—Rick Warren,
Obama?—fume about all the terrible, no good, really bad sodomy
gay men get up to. But I haven’t been sodomizing the
boyfriend all these years! I’ve been preserving his virginity.
I’ve been preserving the shit out of my boyfriend’s
virginity for 14 years now. If my boyfriend ever decides to
marry a woman—miracles can happen!—he’ll be able to wear white
at his wedding. Hell, he’s so pure he can wear Saran Wrap
at his wedding. And his wife will have me to thank for delivering
him to her with his virginity intact. (Unfortunately, the
boyfriend can’t preserve my virginity. As a teenager, I had
actual vaginal intercourse, under duress, with an actual female’s
actual vagina.) But until the boyfriend meets the right girl,
I’m going to keep preserving the living shit out of his virginity.
His virginity isn’t going anywhere—not on my watch.
My girlfriend’s parents are very wealthy and are paying
for her education. They also bought her an apartment and give
her tons of spending money. My dad is dead(beat) and my mom
is a waitress, and I’m paying my way through school. My girlfriend
demands gifts and flowers. I pay for everything when we go
out. Other than this, she’s sweet and attractive. Once I graduate
and start working, I’ll be happy to pay for everything. But
how do I convince her that things have to be more egalitarian
for the time being without losing her?
Reeling Over Killer Expenses
She’s only ever physically affectionate after I’ve spent money
DTMFA, BROKE. And here’s hoping that the girlfriend’s parents
invested all their money with Bernard Madoff, and that the
spoiled-rotten little whore they raised has to get a job and
start pulling her own weight.
And, hey, here’s another interesting study: While straight
kids are busily boning each other’s butts—the better to preserve
their virginities!—gay teenagers are knocking each other up.
According to a study out of the University of British Columbia,
lesbian and gay teenagers are seven times likelier to get
knocked up than their straight peers. How the hell does that
happen? Well, gay teens are having straight sex in order “to
prove they are heterosexual to avoid harassment and discrimination”
by their parents and peers. In other words, gay kids are still
having heterosexual sex under duress.
So this is where abstinence education and homophobia have
gotten us: Gay kids are having vaginal intercourse and straight
kids having anal intercourse. Good work, sexphobes!
I’ve been reading your column since I was 13. I’m 20
now and dating a 41-year-old crossdresser. We were friends
for six months before he told me he wouldn’t be able to spend
time with me anymore unless we “got closer.” A couple months
later, he told me he is into pegging. Now, pegging is all
he wants to do. He also told me that he wants to transition
from male to female, but he changed his mind and stopped going
to his appointments. All that is background to what has been
happening recently. When we fight lately, he makes threatening
gestures like he is going to punch me. He also pulls my hair
and chokes me. He refuses to apologize and tells me I deserve
it. I don’t know what to do.
been reading my column since you were 13, WAS, and you don’t
know what to do? DTMFA—right fucking now, this fucking minute,
without fucking delay. Choking and hair-pulling is physical
abuse; telling you that you “deserve it” is emotional abuse.
And those raised fists—not very ladylike of him, I must say—are
a prologue to more extreme acts of abuse. DTMFA. You deserve
better, and he—well, he deserves to be pegged by a predator
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.