your chance to deal with the problems of a couple of senior
citizens: I am a woman in my late 60s, and my “boyfriend”
is five years older. We were lovers long ago. He came looking
for me a few years ago and we reunited. We live on opposite
sides of the country, so we only see each other for a few
weeks every year. For various reasons, that is unlikely to
I love this man very much. Our sex life is great, and the
rest is pretty good, too. All of the things I loved about
him fortysome years ago still apply. He is kind, generous,
smart, and funny.
I have known for a couple of years that he was interested
in BDSM. He sees himself as a sub. I found out when he accidentally
(?) left something on my computer. But he claims that all
he does is “chat” online with a number of doms. He has never
asked me to role-play with him, and I’m not sure I could do
it. It doesn’t disgust me; it might be rather fun, but I think
I might just get the giggles!
Here is the dilemma: I recently found out that in fact he
has seen a dom in person. At this point, he does not know
that I know. I can live with his wanting that as part of his
life and that he apparently doesn’t see me in that role. What
does concern me is that he has not been truthful and open
with me about this and that perhaps he has exposed himself
(and thus me) to health risks.
Assuming that you don’t tell me to dump him, can you give
me any advice about how to broach this subject with him? At
the very least, he needs to know that I require honesty in
few professional dominants have sex with their clients, SIS,
which is what attracts some women to this particular field
of sex work. Doing domination allows women to reap the financial
rewards of sex work without running the usual risks, e.g.,
sexually transmitted infections and arrest. (Pay the “nice”
lady to beat you off? Totally illegal. Pay the “mean” lady
to beat you? Totally legal.) Doing professional domination
does, however, require more of an investment up front—the
gear is expensive, expertise takes time to acquire (fucking
is easy, flogging is hard), and a sub paying $500 an hour
is going to want to be dominated in a tricked-out dungeon,
not a studio apartment with a futon on the floor.
So what should you do, SIS? Seeing as you’re not married to
this man, and seeing as you only get together a few weeks
a year, it’s highly unlikely that he’ll stop seeing pro doms
even if you extract that promise from him. So why not be the
hero, SIS? Give him permission to do what he’s going to do
anyway, and you’ll become the focus of his gratitude and not
Broach the subject by telling him that you know he’s been
seeing a professional dominant and that’s fine. Tell him that
he can go on seeing a pro dom with your blessing—so long as
there’s no sexual contact and so long as he’s honest with
you about it. If he can do the sub thing with a professional
without sneaking around and the sex-and-intimacy-and-companionship
thing with you without being dishonest, then everybody wins—him,
you, and a hard-working professional dominant with her own
bills to pay.
Impress upon him that all of this is conditional on his being
honest with you—about everything—and that these domination
sessions, which you recognize are sexually arousing, don’t
include any actual sex.
What do you do when you meet the human equivalent of
I’ve been messing around with a dominant guy for about a year
now. It is by far the most unhealthy “relationship” I’ve ever
been in. First, I have no desire to be with this guy in any
way besides fucking around with him. I do not respect him
or like him. Our fucking around consists of me giving him
head and him slapping me around. Pathetic, huh? I’ve tried
to quit seeing him many times. I changed my phone number,
but he just started showing up at my house. When I started
dating someone, he refused to quit seeing me. Prior to the
relationship, I let him use my house keys one night. He made
copies of them without my knowing, and while I was in a relationship,
he came to my house one day and pretty much forced me to give
him head. I was terrified after that. I changed my locks.
I told him that if he ever came over again I would call the
cops. Still, despite my having a boyfriend and me ignoring
him for months, he still called, e-mailed, and stopped by.
Since then, my boyfriend and I broke up, and his stalking
has escalated. The few people who know the details about our
“relationship” have begged me to get a restraining order.
The problem? What he does (the dominating, not the stalking)
still turns me on. Even after the “attack,” even during my
relationship, when I masturbate, I think of him. I’m scared
of him and turned on by him. I would go to a psychiatrist,
but I’m very embarrassed by it. I’m a very normal person,
healthy in many ways. So what gives? He’s a very attractive
guy and he can get many girls—why won’t he leave me alone?
Why can’t I stop myself from seeing him?
I’m a female in my mid 20s. Completely normal, except for
this dark secret.
fun to have a dark secret—lots of “completely normal” people
do. But you can have your dark secrets, A, and all the kinky
sex you like, with someone else. There are other guys
out there who can do for you exactly what this guy does for
you now—and it can be a guy you like, a guy you respect, a
guy who respects you enough not to take advantage of your
You have to put a stop to this. Move, change those locks again,
get that restraining order, and stop seeing this guy once
and for all. He may be hot, what he does to you may be hot,
but the stalker stuff—to say nothing of the rapist stuff—is
shit frosting on an otherwise hot piece of cake. Stop swallowing
it before you get seriously hurt.
And you know what, A? You can go right on masturbating about
your experiences with this guy without interpreting that as
evidence that you’re somehow obligated to continue servicing
him. Lots of people have fond memories of sexual experiences
with sociopaths, and masturbate to (or is it about?) those
memories, but only an idiot keeps fucking around with a sociopath.
And this guy won’t loom quite so largely in your erotic imagination,
A, once you’ve found someone else to do this stuff with.
Is “saddleback” a sex act? If not, can you define it
as one? Or if it is, can you popularize it? I’m wondering
because each time I hear about Rick Warren, I can’t get past
the name of his church.
Colbert joked that “saddleback” was a sex act on his show,
but he didn’t define it. So I guess we’ll have to. Suggested
definitions for saddlebacking can be sent to saddleback@ savagelove.net.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.