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I’m
going to Barack Obama’s inauguration in Washington, D.C.,
on January 20. I’ve spent eight years, one month, one week,
and one day waiting for this. (But who’s counting?) However,
I am looking for suggestions for a respectful way to protest
the participation of Rick Warren. As a lifelong Episcopalian,
I really don’t want to engage in an antireligious protest.
(FWIW: I was annoyed with some of the antireligious people
at the anti-8 rallies. We need all our allies for this fight,
so don’t trash the engaged, progressive religious folk!)
While my friends want me to throw shoes, that ain’t gonna
happen. Ideally, I’d like a peaceful, gracious way to protest
Warren’s participation that won’t undercut this great day,
a way that can be picked up (and publicized) by folks on the
Mall. Any suggestions?
—Faithful
Obama Girl
Whatever
you do, FOG, don’t do those things you, um, already said you
don’t want to do. No one should boo or throw shoes or do anything
disruptive. The American Taliban love to pretend that they’re
the persecuted ones around here, and booing or throwing shoes
or even just turning your back on Warren—the gay hatin’, right-wing
Christian bigot Barack Obama invited to give the invocation
at his inauguration—will invariably be spun as an attack on
people of faith, as a vicious assault on prayer itself, as
the moral equivalent of a syphilitic rent boy pissing directly
into the open mouth of a crying baby Jesus.
Instead, borrow a page from those long- suffering gay Catholics.
To register their displeasure with the pope’s revealing obsession
with gay sex, gay marriage, and gay shoes (the douchebag wears
Prada), some gay Catholics wear rainbow sashes to mass. Perhaps
folks disappointed by Warren’s participation could coordinate
a similar sartorial protest? Everyone wear a button with that
rainbow-striped version of the Obama logo? Wave little rainbow
flags during Warren’s remarks? Head to the Mall in nothing
but rubber chaps?
And speaking of Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church and
author of The Purpose Driven Life…
My life’s purpose over the last week was reading thousands
of proposed new definitions for “saddlebacking” sent in by
my readers. As with the new definition of santorum crafted
by Savage Love readers (“the frothy mix of lube and fecal
matter that is sometimes a byproduct of anal sex”), the new
definition of “saddlebacking” has to be some act that (1)
needs a name but doesn’t already have one (we can’t just rename
“reverse cowgirl,” people) and (2) is naughty enough to discomfort,
say, a Reverend Warren, but something that actual people might
actually do because that’s the only way the actual word will
actually get used.
So I’ve disqualified proposed definitions that were too literal
(“putting an actual saddle on someone’s actual back
and actually riding them”), too gross (“to crap on
someone’s back and then sit on it, moving forward and back
while making horse-riding-related noises like ‘giddyap!’ and
‘whoa!’”), too complicated (“one person on all fours with
a strap-on strapped to their midsection, a second person riding
said strap-on, and a third person hitting the first person
from behind while holding on for dear life/giving a handjob
to the second person”), or too bitter (“when you give someone
some kind of basic human right, like marriage, and then take
it away again after a few months”). Here are the proposed
definitions that made the cut:
(1) Logically, if “barebacking” means having butt sex with
no condom, then “saddlebacking” should mean having butt sex
with a condom.
(2)
Saddleback (verb): to submit someone to any kind of humiliating,
unreciprocal sex act, either literally or metaphorically,
consented to by passive partner due to submissive/masochistic
tendencies, desire for approval, or other darker motive. E.g.,
“I don’t know why Obama is letting Rick Warren saddleback
him into presiding over his inauguration.”
(3) The saddleback position involves placing your lubed dick
between the butt cheeks of your partner. This position can
be performed on your sides or on top of a facedown partner
(maybe with a pillow under his or her hips). My favorite way
of finishing up the saddlebacking is to lift up and come on
my wife’s sweaty back. The saddleback is a nice compromise
position when your partner won’t allow anal entry.
(4) To saddleback is to rail against gay sex in public while
secretly indulging in the same in private. Ted Haggard? Total
saddlebacker. Larry Craig? Saddlebacker. Rick Warren? Probably
a saddlebacker.
(5)
“Saddlebacking” should be the term for the phenomenon of Christian
teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve
their virginities. “After attending the Purity Ball, Heather
and Bill saddlebacked all night because she’s saving herself
for marriage.” Please, please adopt this definition!
(6)
Saddleback (verb): to ejaculate on the back of a partner at
the culmination of doggy-style anal sex.
(7) Before being invited to give the invocation, Mr.
Warren was most noted for his book The Purpose Driven Life.
Therefore, “to saddleback” is to fuck with a purpose, i.e.,
to procreate. A heterosexual couple asked if they’re trying
to have children could reply, “No, we’re not ready for kids
yet, but we’ll probably start saddlebacking next year.”
Those are the nominees, ladies and gentlemen. But before we
open the polls for a vote—you’re going to pick the winning
definition!—let me quickly handicap the candidates:
(1) I like the idea that “sex” is understood to include condoms
and that sex without condoms—bareback sex—needs a special
term. But tons of people suggested that “saddlebacking” should
be the opposite of “barebacking,” so here it is. (2) Seems
a bit tortured and unlikely to come into common usage, but
I like the point the reader is making with this definition,
so I included it. (3) Technically this kind of assfuckery—butt-cheek
fucking à la titty fucking, with no actual penetration—is
a form of frottage, but like a woman doing a man in the butt
with a strap-on dildo (dubbed “pegging” by Savage Love readers),
this particular brand of rubbing off could use a name of its
own. (4) One of my favorites—but does a Haggard or Craig tumble
out of the closet often enough for the term to come into use?
(5) Hilarious—and an entirely appropriate way to honor Reverend
Warren, who is a proponent of abstinence education, the “sex
ed” that has convinced so many Christian girls and boys that
buttfucking isn’t actually sex. (6) A common move—and not
just in porn—that could use a name. (7) Makes sense, so here
it is. But I imagine Warren would approve of this definition—except
when lesbians used it (even you, Melissa E.!).
OK, Savage Love readers, “saddlebacking” is in your hands
now. Vote for your favorite definition from the list of nominees
by sending an e-mail to saddleback@savagelove.net. You must
include “saddleback” and the number of your preferred definition
in the subject line to have your vote count (“saddleback:
1,” “saddleback: 2,” etc.). Vote now!
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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