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I
love the wife I married two years ago, but she absolutely
can't come unless she uses a vibrator on herself. She's asked
me to let her use it during sex or for me to use it on her,
but I've refused. It's bad enough knowing I can't compete
with that thing without having to look at it.
-Let's
Insert My Prick
Yeah,
yeah, LIMP, you can't compete. Like a lot of other men, you've
fallen in love with a woman who needs intense, focused stimulation
in order to come, the kind of sensation that hands, fingers,
tongues, and cocks just can't provide—a woman who requires
a vibrator. Now let's take a little time to grieve, shall
we?
Time's up.
Now stop being such a douchebag about this, LIMP, and go ask
the wife to show you just how to hold the vibrator and just
where to apply pressure so that you—you!—can start giving
her orgasms during sex. See the vibrator as a tool, moron,
not a threat. If you love your wife and want her to stay married
to you, LIMP, get on the proverbial stick. Because if being
with you means going without orgasms during sex for the rest
of her life—all because she was foolish enough to marry an
insecure bag of slop who refuses to do what needs to be done
to get her off—then your wife just might decide to be with
someone else.
And now an important message for all straight guys everywhere:
Some women need vibrators to get off. Why? Well, perhaps it
has something to do with the fact that most of a woman's clitoral
tissues are inside her body; the exposed part of her clitoris
is just the tip, comparable to the head of your penis. Now
imagine if the shaft of your penis was buried inside your
body, guys. You might need the help of a vibrator to get off
then, too; you might need a tool that could stimulate your
shaft through layers of skin and muscle and fat. We've been
over and over this since the early 1990s, fellas, and there's
no excuse anymore for freaking out about your wife/girlfriend/mom
needing a vibrator, OK?
But any ladies feeling smug about guys feeling insecure about
your sex toys might want to check out RealTouch, a new sex
toy for men. A self-lubricating, self-heating sex toy with
gears and belts and bells and whistles, the RealTouch simulates—somehow
or other—the sensations of twats, asses, and mouths, according
to its manufacturers. It can be plugged into a computer and
synced up with porn clips so that it speeds up, slows down,
grips, whatever, in time with the speeding up, slowing down,
gripping, and whatever that you're watching on the screen.
While I doubt a RealTouch is going to "make all of your fantasies
come true" (unless you've always fantasized about getting
your dick caught in a coked-up Dust Buster), it looks like
we're one step closer to those sexbots we've heard so much
about. We're certainly closer to sex toys for men that women
are going to feel like they have a hard time competing with.
(I know, ladies, yes. But the internet isn't technically a
sex toy.)
Now, I haven't placed my cock in a RealTouch, so I'm not vouching
for it. I'm also not remotely interested in trying out a first-generation
RealTouch, because I don't want the thing going all Westworld
on me with my cock jammed inside it. (Readers under the age
of 35 might want to ask someone over 35 to explain the Westworld
reference.) So please don't send me one, manufacturers. But
anyone out there who has tried one and lived to tell the tale,
I'd like to hear from you at mail@savagelove.net.
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I'm 19 years old and gay and a virgin. Now I've met
a guy I kind of like. He's hot, great body. He wanted to fuck
me, to be my first, the night we met, but I'm not sure I want
to have anal sex. He insisted that we didn't need to use a
condom, since I'm a virgin and he's "clean," and got kind
of upset when I tried to say no. I'm going to see him again,
and I don't think I'll be able to make the same excuse again.
(I told him I wasn't feeling "empty" enough to do it that
night.) What do I say to get him to use condoms? I don't want
to drive him off, because he's really hot. But I don't want
to be unsafe or get HIV or even have anal sex right now.
-Just
Out Newbie
We've
covered this issue before, too, JON—but, gee, the last time
I answered a letter from a gay kid in your situation was,
um, when you were 12. But the advice I gave Bright Kid, Big
City back then still applies now, so here it goes:
Look, JON, any faggot who wants to fuck you in the ass without
a condom is the last person on earth you should be having
sex with—anal or otherwise, condoms or no condoms. Guys who
pressure you into having sex without condoms are having or
have had unsafe sex with other people, which means that they're
either infected already or will be shortly. If you don't want
to get infected, your best course of action when a guy pressures
you into having sex without condoms—or any kind of sex you're
not comfortable with—is to pull up your pants and leave.
And since you're not particularly interested in anal sex right
now, JON, I'd urge you to tell the guys you do go home with
that you're just not up for getting fucked. An aversion to
anal sex when you're young and just out and easily manipulated
is something you should hold on to, JON, even cultivate. Skipping
anal sex during your great-big-slut, just-coming-out, making-your-mistakes
phase will greatly reduce your risk of contracting HIV and
a host of other STIs. Then one day, with luck, you'll meet
a nice, decent guy, also hot, who wants to take things slow—a
guy who isn't a manipulative, selfish, barebacking piece of
shit. And when you meet that guy, JON, you can explore anal
with someone who cares about you enough to take it slow and
wear condoms.
Anal sex, despite the impression created by HIV "prevention"
materials you may have encountered, should not be a first-date
activity. Reserve your asshole for guys you're serious about,
JON, and for guys who are serious about you. The hot motherfucker
you're seeing right now isn't worthy. Walk away.
Rick Warren is really fat, so maybe "saddlebacking"
could be a new name for the act we chub chasers call belly
fucking, which is a stupid name. Basically, saddlebacking
would be straddling your fat mate and then humping his belly
until you come all over his face and chest.
-Love
Guys' Big Tummies
Sorry,
LGBT, but the nominating process is closed. Volunteers are
counting the votes and recounting the votes and double-checking
the votes-it's fucking Minnesota around here. Right now, two
definitions are neck and neck: It looks like "saddlebacking"
is either going to be "gay anal sex with a condom (the opposite
of barebacking)" or "a term for the phenomenon of Christian
teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve
their virginities." Results next week!
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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