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Recently,
I celebrated my first year of marriage to the most amazing
man. When we first began dating, he told me that he enjoys
open sexuality and wants swinging to be part of any partnership
he’s in. I regard myself as free-spirited and agreed to explore
this with him. We delayed experimentation because I had a
stressful job and I wanted to spend my limited free time with
him instead of exploring our sexuality with multiple partners.
My work situation changed, and we have since had about a dozen
experiences in the past year. I have discovered that these
situations are not a turn-on for me—in fact, they are a turnoff.
I feel resentful after these episodes, and I don’t feel like
having sex for days. We have discussed this at length, and
we have been seeing a counselor. Recently, we had a civil
discussion wherein we discussed the possibility of him having
these sexual experiences without me, since I do not find them
compelling. This idea appealed to him. He proposed going to
a sex party alone that very night.
Ever since then, I have been crushed by the prospect of my
husband having a sex life outside of our relationship. Since
we met, his sexuality has had an outward trajectory, rather
than being relationship centered. Having a healthy sexual
relationship with him is enough for me. He makes a good point
that he has been straight about his desire for this lifestyle
since day one, but I am still frustrated and horrified that
my husband needs to have sex outside of our marriage. I can’t
help but feel hurt that I alone am not enough for him.
I’d appreciate your straight, honest feedback on this.
—Sex
Best One On One
Straight,
honest feedback: You are an idiot. Your husband informed
you in advance about the “outward trajectory” of his
sexuality; you knew going in that your husband could
never be satisfied in a marriage that didn’t involve “open
sexuality” and swinging. Don’t come crying to me now because
the man you married wants to actually have sex with other
people. You knew that before you married him, SBOOO, because
he fucking told you so.
You’re
unlikely to encounter a marriage counselor who’ll take your
husband’s side (nonmonogamy? boo!) over yours (monogamy? yay!),
SBOOO, so I’m going to aggressively come his defense: You’re
never going to convince your husband that one-on-one ought
to be enough for him. Sorry. You’re also going to have a hard
time convincing him that you didn’t deceive him in the run-up
to this marriage. When he told you that monogamy was a deal
breaker, SBOOO, you replied that you were “free-spirited”
and willing to “explore.” But, alas, circumstances beyond
your control prevented you from embarking on any explorations
until after the wedding, and only then—only after he married
you—did you discover that your husband’s sexual interests
both frustrated and horrified.
How convenient. Because if you’d been a little less stressed
at work, SBOOO, maybe you could’ve made time for a little
swinging before the wedding. Then you might’ve learned that
nonmonogamy wasn’t for you and been able to give this amazing
man that information before he married your ass. Oh,
but your work schedule didn’t allow for premarital explorations,
and now this amazing man has to decide whether to go through
the hell of a divorce—knowing full well that he will be seen
as the bad guy by all your relatives and friends, and 99.99
percent of marriage counselors—or give in to your emotional,
sexual, and financial blackmail.
Want more evidence that you weren’t negotiating with your
husband in good faith before the wedding, SBOOO? How about
this: You aren’t negotiating with him in good faith now.
So you recently had “a civil discussion” with him about the
possibility of his going to sex parties alone—how many uncivil
discussions have you had?—but then you were crushed
when he wanted to take you up on this proposed compromise.
So once again he wants to fuck around, once again you agree
to his fucking around in principle, once again he proposes
fucking around in earnest, and once again you lose your shit—only
this time you go boohooing to an advice columnist and not
a marriage counselor.
Sorry, SBOOO, you picked the wrong columnist. You want and
always wanted a monogamous commitment. Free spirit, my ass.
You are—surprise!—sexually incompatible. Divorce. Get it over
with.
I’m in my 20s and have a loving girlfriend. We have
phenomenal sex, but I love anal sex and she doesn’t. We’ve
done it many times, but it’s always painful for her and that
makes it less enjoyable for me. Now every time I bring it
up, she’s against it.
—Off
The Pot
Taking
less enjoyment in anal sex when it causes your partner
pain—you are a gentleman, OTP. But chivalry requires
more of you, I’m afraid: Your girlfriend tried it and doesn’t
like it, and you can’t expect her to keep doing it. If you
can’t live without the butt, break up with the girlfriend.
If you can’t live without the girlfriend, break up with the
butt.
I’m a male with submissive tendencies, and my wife decides
when I get to orgasm. We have sex regularly, but she only
lets me ejaculate occasionally. She finds that I’m more attentive
to her now that we’re doing “orgasm denial,” and I get to
scratch my submissive itch. Ain’t life grand?
Here’s my question: I enjoy pushing the limits, and I’ve gone
as long as six weeks without release. But I’m a little concerned
about the effects on my prostate. After several weeks of denial,
I leak precome when aroused. I’ve read that recent studies
showed that frequent ejaculation reduces the risk of prostate
cancer. Am I putting myself at greater risk by ejaculating
so infrequently? Can you ask your medical expert?
—Loving
Orgasms And Denial Every Day
Two
orgasm-denial questions in two weeks—it’s officially a trend!
Can a Good Morning America segment be far behind?
“We
still have very little idea what might cause or prevent prostate
cancer,” says Dr. Barak Gaster, associate professor of medicine
at the University of Washington and our resident medical expert.
“There are some clues—red meat, probably bad; vegetables,
probably good; vitamin E, probably not helpful—but we’re really
still in the dark.” And while most studies have shown frequent
ejaculation to be good for prostate health, one recent study
out of the UK showed the exact opposite.
So what should you do? Rely on the best-available study, advises
Gaster. “[That study] followed U.S. men for eight years and
found that those with the most ejaculations per month (more
than 20) had a 30 percent lower risk of prostate cancer compared
to those who were having fewer per month (about five).” But
there is good news in the study for you, LOADED: “The 5 percent
of men who reported having zero to three per month appeared
to have a lower risk for prostate cancer as well,” said Gaster.
“The caveat is that this group was too small to make definite
conclusions about them. But it looks like coming more than
20 times a month could be good for you in terms of prostate
cancer, but it’s unlikely that coming very little, like zero
to three times per month, is necessarily bad for you compared
to coming once or twice a week.”
So ejaculate frequently, guys, or ejaculate rarely, because
it would appear that moderation in pursuit of prostate health
is no virtue.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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