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I
have lived with my boyfriend for almost two years. He says
he loves me and does a lot of loving things for me. We are
both in our early 60s, but we have the sexual energy of 20-year-olds.
Here’s the problem: I am overweight (size 18). I was overweight
when he met me. I now know that he hates fat women. You should
hear his disgust when he sees them on TV or on the street.
He has begun to tease me and make jokes about my weight. This
hurts my feelings, and I have told him so. He says I’m too
sensitive. What is your advice to me?
—Fat
And Teased
Before
I answer your question, FAT, I’m going to take a little stroll
down Suppressed Memory Lane: I once had a “bisexual” boyfriend.
(I place bisexual in quotes, Angry Bisexual Community, only
because this guy wasn’t bisexual. That doesn’t mean
other guys aren’t bisexual.) My “bisexual” boyfriend
liked to claim that he really wasn’t that into men
until I came along—I was the magical exception, the one guy
who did it for him—but even then, he told people loudly at
parties, he was mostly turned on by how into him I
was, he wasn’t that into me or my junk. (He could barely stand
to look at my cock—which is why he stuffed it in his mouth
or ass whenever we got naked.)
And you know what, FAT? He made disparaging comments constantly
about gay men he saw on the street or on TV—gay men like the
one he was with—and put me down constantly for having a much
more serious case of the gay than he did. He was going to
marry a woman one day, a woman with lady parts, and have a
family; I was going to remain hopelessly gay all my life.
He was, of course, gayer than a college wrestling team and
eventually came out as gay—much to the consternation of all
his friends who believed him when he said that he wasn’t really
that into men. (By which I mean to say, much to the
consternation of absolutely no one.)
Anyway, your current boyfriend (early 60s, straight, asshole)
reminded me of my old boyfriend (20, gay, asshole). A man
who claims to have fallen in love with someone who he’s not
attracted to, or someone who disgusts him, expressly so he
can belittle that person and make that person feel awful,
well, that man is a complete asshole, FAT, and my first impulse
is to advise you DTMFA just like I did my asshole boyfriend.
But . . .
You say he’s good to you otherwise, does loads for you, and
fucks you regularly—so before you dump this motherfucker,
FAT, let’s consider reforming him. Say he’s totally into you
and into big women, just like my ex was totally into cock.
But, like my ex, he’s uncomfortable with his sexuality and
worries about what other people think—including you, FAT,
as paradoxical as that may sound. So he makes asshole comments
in an effort to hide his true feelings—possibility fetishistic
feelings—for big women. The asshole comments allow him to
pretend that he’s not into your body, just hopelessly
in love with you, the person you are on the inside—which
makes him one of the “good guys,” i.e., a guy who isn’t so
shallow as to let a little thing like your weight come between
you.
While I had to dump my “bisexual” boyfriend, FAT, a little
shock-and-awe therapy might convince your “fatphobic” boyfriend
to knock it off. You shouldn’t have to put up with his comments,
FAT, whether they’re motivated by shame for his attraction
to big fat asses or, if my theory is incorrect, by a genuine
hatred for fat people. Either way, FAT, you’ve got tell him—in
no uncertain terms—to knock it the fuck off already. Don’t
be measured, don’t wrap it up in “I” statements, no mewling
about your feelings. Give him both barrels: “If you
don’t knock it the fuck off—the asshole comments, the
stupid jokes—I’m going to kick your ass out, got it?” A strategic
blowup or two should occur—scream, yell, smash a few things
you’re not all that attached to—when he slips up. Repeat until
his attitude changes or his address does.
 |
When I first met my fiancé two years ago, he was training
for a marathon and had the body of a Greek god. But he seems
to be losing all interest in his appearance. The other day
he sent me a photo of himself (I am finishing college in another
state) that made me yelp in shock because he’d gained so much
weight. I don’t want to dump him—the man I love is encased
in that mound somewhere—but it’s gotten to the point where
I’m glad I’m in a long-distance relationship because it means
I don’t have to sleep with him. How can I communicate this
in a subtle way so as not to hurt him?
—The
Biggest Gainer
Well
aren’t you a shallow piece of shit. I mean, do you love this
man for who he is or how he looks? What about
the person he is on the inside?
Just kidding, TBG, I’m totally on your side. While we all
eventually arrive at old and ugly—“ugly” is an entirely subjective
judgment, of course, and for some of us, “body of a Greek
god” counts as “ugly”—you’re under no obligation to marry
a man who’s in a hurry to get there. Tell him that committing
to you means committing to maintaining his body out of consideration
for the pleasure you’re expected to provide to it/take from
it.
Thanks for your advice to Missing Kisses, where you explained
that sometimes men can be turned on by a desire to do some
post-orgasm activity but lose that desire once we’ve ejaculated.
I have this problem with one fantasy.
For years, while fucking my wife, I’ve told her about
how badly I want to come all over her nipples and then lick
it off. She’s keen on the idea and presents herself to be
licked clean after I come. However, I’ve never been able to
follow through. It’s not a matter of some latent gay panic;
I’m simply not turned on anymore at that point and have no
desire. Is there a way around this? I’d like to complete the
act at least once, if only to surprise her.
—Loses
Interest Quickly
There
is a way around it, LIQ, but your wife will have to lead the
way. So stop reading, LIQ, because the rest of this answer
is for the wife’s eyes only. Mrs. LIQ: You’re going to have
to make him do it. You’re going to have to force
him to follow through on all that lick-my-come-off-your-tits
dirty talk. The next time he tells you he’s going to lick
his come off your tits, tell him that you’re holding him to
it: He either does it or no more pussy for him until he does.
And don’t make an idle threat: If he doesn’t do it, don’t
let him fuck you again until he does. He’ll do it grudgingly,
and he’ll hate it while he’s doing it. But once he’s horny
again, he’ll be so turned on by the thought of what you “forced”
him to do that he’ll totally “bring it,” as the kids were
only too recently saying, and fuck the living shit out of
you. You’re welcome.
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