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I
am a 28-year-old straight woman who has been dating a 24-year-old
straight male for two months. Recently, I gave him oral sex
while he was seated naked on my couch. The next day, as I
went to sit on the couch, I noticed a brown stain on the cushion
that looked highly suspicious. I have come to the conclusion
that it was, in fact, poo. The stain had a streakish quality
and was located where his buttcrack region was placed during
the encounter. And furthermore, I smelled it. And I know what
shit smells like!
OK, so the question: What the fuck?!?!?! Is this normal for
men? Can I talk to him about this? Should I? I would like
to be open and honest with him, but how do I even broach the
subject?
I suspect that he knows that shit stains are an issue for
him, because we were recently packing for a weekend trip and
he got upset when I went to fold/pack his underwear. He wouldn’t
let me handle the undies because he didn’t want me to “see
any stains.” I didn’t think anything of it, assuming that
he left occasional skid marks as some guys do, and I just
made a joke about my period panties and moved on. But now
I am annoyed. He should have realized what had happened when
I blew him and at least tried to clean it up while I was sleeping
or otherwise occupied.
Is pooping on the couch a deal breaker? Or can we be “cleaner”
in the future and protect my bedding and furniture somehow?
—Shit
On Furniture Annoys Girl A Lot
Seeing
as he’s aware that he has a problem—he acknowledged as much
when he kept his underwear out of your hands—this straight
boy, at the very least, should’ve thought to spot-check your
sofa after grinding his ass into it for the duration of that
blowjob. But you have to take some responsibility, too, SOFAGAL.
You encouraged this young man to plop his naked ass down on
your sofa and proceeded to engage in the kinds of behaviors
that would cause any man to (1) open his legs and (2) grind
his ass into whatever he happened to be sitting on. And where
bare asses are set, shit stains are always a possibility.
So I’d say you’re both at fault, SOFAGAL. Knowing what he
knows about his own ass, the boy should’ve eyeballed your
sofa and discreetly cleaned up after himself. But, again,
shit stains can happen when you allow a nude man to sit his
bare ass on your sofa, SOFAGAL, and commence blowing him.
If I may invoke/resurrect a Rumsfeldism: Prior to this incident,
blowjob-related shit stains on the sofa were, for you, an
unknown unknown—something you didn’t know you didn’t
know—but in the wake of this incident, shit stains are now
a known known. And knowing what you now know, SOFAGAL,
you might consider placing a towel—might I suggest a beige
one?—on any sofa that you invite this man, or any other man,
to set his bare bottom on prior to blowing him.
Finally, SOFAGAL, how to broach the subject? With a sense
of humor. Sex can be messy, and shit happens quite literally
sometimes—and not just to men. Women have assholes, too, and
shit-stained panties are a documented phenomenon. Let him
know that he tagged your sofa—try to smile when you say it—and
then head to the nearest gay neighborhood to pick up some
brown or beige bath towels. And, come on, how bad can it really
have been if you didn’t notice when your nose was down there?
My wife and I got into S&M about two years ago,
and it’s done a wonderful job of spicing up an otherwise very
vanilla marriage. It was the odd happy ending to the usual
doomed story of “husband who knows he’s submissive finally
gets courage to tell vanilla wife.” We’re constantly upping
our game—we went from pegging and D/s to flogging to hardcore
beatings pretty swiftly, and we want to continue to push our
boundaries.
Now we’re looking into electrical play. And our question is
about cattle prods. Are they safe? We’ve seen a couple of
BDSM porn movies where a cattle prod gets used, but we have
no idea if these are prop cattle prods or the real deal. And
are there any books out there on safe electro-stim play?
—Sub
Needs Some Shocks
“Electric
play is a great addition to BDSM, but cattle prods are a bad
choice as they’re not designed for use on humans,” says David
X, an electrical engineer who used to work in tech but today
designs e-stim products for Eros Tek. “There are several reports
of muscle injuries and even a few broken bones from prod-induced
involuntary muscle contractions,” David continues. “Burns
and nerve damage are also possible. There really isn’t any
way to make a cattle prod safe, but if you must, use it only
below the waist and make each shock as brief as possible.
Make sure the submissive does not have weight or tension on
their limbs and has room for safe movement.”
And if you’re attached to your balls, SNSS, and would like
to remain attached to them, make sure they’re not tied to
anything. But, again, neither David nor I think you should
use a cattle prod at all. David has a bias, of course, and
would prefer to see you purchase something designed for use
on humans—preferably something designed by him—but your bias-free
advice professional strongly agrees with David: Invest in
a product designed for use on humans.
“The
best devices for BDSM electric play are made for that purpose,”
says David. “They can deliver very intense sensations while
being much safer than a cattle prod. As for books, you’re
best off following the instructions that come with whatever
device you purchase. This is another advantage of the BDSM
products—they come with instructions for using them on humans
instead of cattle.”
You can see David’s products at www.erostek.com.
I’m a 23-year-old straight female. I have been friends
with this guy for the past two and a half years and would
like to continue. Problem is he gets jealous (because he has
the hots for me, but I’m not interested) and a bit distant
whenever there is a boyfriend/date in the picture. I’m not
sure if I should approach him about this or not.
—Just
Friends Jealousy
Maintaining
a friendship with a man who has the “hots” for you when you’re
not interested isn’t kind, JFJ, it’s emotionally sadistic.
Maybe it’s thoughtless sadism on your part, but it’s sadism
nonetheless. Because for as long as you’re hanging out with
him, JFJ, he’s going to delude himself into thinking that
he has a chance with you. And every time a potential boyfriend
appears on the horizon—someone for whom you do have the hots—he’s
going to realize, once again, that he’s a fool and, perhaps,
being played for one. (How many times has he helped you move?)
Your friendship, while a marvelous treasure under most circumstances,
is not a consolation prize for this guy. It’s a torment. He
doesn’t have the strength to cut you out of his life—something
that, if he’s reading, I would strongly advise him to do—so
you’re going to have to do it for him, JFJ. If you don’t,
well, you can’t claim that your sadism is thoughtless anymore.
It’s overt, conscious cruelty—“mean girl” bullshit. And if
you’re not careful, Garfunkel & Oates will write a song
about you.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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