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I’m
a 25-year-old straight female. I’ve been dating my boyfriend
for only a few months, but we fell in love fast. He is a caring
person, and I want to make this last. However, he doesn’t
turn me on. It has nothing to do with looks—he’s gorgeous—but
rather with the fact that I am submissive and like things
rough (rape fantasies, being tied up, etc.). He is GGG and
tries, but he is just too timid. The last guy I dated used
to toss me around like a rag doll, and I miss being dominated.
I talked to my wonderful GGG boy friend, and he agreed right
away to have a threesome with my previous guy. I haven’t talked
to the previous guy yet, but I’m sure he’d be into it. This
threesome would allow my ex to do something really kinky,
which I know he would love, and I would get the abuse I need
and my boyfriend would get a “lesson” in the art of sub/dom
sex. But . . .
1. Am I being a selfish bitch?
2. Is it a bad sign that he’s not satisfying me sexually at
three months?
3. Thank you!
—Needs
Some Abuse
1.
You have needs, NSA, and you’re articulating them clearly
and thoughtfully; you’re being considerate and deliberate.
And, yeah, you’re also being a selfish bitch.
Good for you.
You have a right to be a little selfish—we all have a right
to be a little selfish—when it comes to sex. You have needs
and you want them met and you want your gorgeous boyfriend
to meet them. Why? Because you’re a selfish bitch, no question,
but that’s not the only reason. You also want him to meet
your needs—ably, skillfully—because you want to stay with
him, NSA. Showing him how to meet your needs—even if that
requires bringing in the kinky ex for a tutorial—is one way
to make that happen. The current boyfriend agreed to the threesome
idea quickly because he can see that. Take yes for an answer,
NSA!
2. Some couples click right away, and some couples take some
time to find their groove. My boyfriend doesn’t allow me to
write about our sex life in any detail—privacy is his kink—but
he will allow me to say this: The sex we’re having at 15 years
is a lot better than the sex we were having at 15 weeks. So
don’t despair that your boyfriend isn’t totally satisfying
you at three months. We got there (within a year), NSA, and
you can too (with some effort).
3. No, NSA, thank you. It’s not often that a letter
from a straight reader forces me to go lie down in a dark
room for half the day with a warm washcloth over my eyes.
The threesome you describe is beyond hot; you’d be a fool
not to go for it, and I’d be drummed out of the Brotherhood
of Amalgamated Male Sex Advice Columnists Who Are Men (Local
609) if I didn’t urge you to go for it. This threesome will
help your current boyfriend up his game, thereby saving this
relationship, or it will provide you with memories that you’ll
cherish for the rest of your life. (And by “cherish for the
rest of your life,” I mean “masturbate about for decades to
come.”) Either way, you win. Go for it, NSA, and please
send a full report after it’s all over.
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I’m dating a woman who happens to be another chap’s wife.
He knows. In fact, he sometimes joins in. The problem is that
he had cancer some years back. It’s in remission, but his
immune system was hit hard. How his body would deal with various
sexually transmitted infections is in question. Would a “treatable”
strain of syphilis mess him up?
I love my lady friend—but since I’m dating around, we’ve started
looking up info on the internet about “safe sex” and have
found a lot of contradictory info. You can get hepatitis B
from kissing? HPV can sneak around condoms? Gonorrhea is starting
to become antibiotic resistant? All this is making her feel
like I might unintentionally expose her other beloved to something
nasty.
My question: Does “100 percent safe sex” even exist? Is there
any way to protect my lover’s husband?
—Daunted
By Threesome Reality
There’s
no such thing as “100 percent safe sex,” just as there’s no
such thing as “100 percent safe chicken salad,” DBTR. (Sorry—just
saw Food, Inc.) There is only safer sex: use
condoms when appropriate, have more sex with fewer partners,
get regular STI screenings. That said, DBTR, hepatitis B is
almost never transmitted by kissing, and there’s a 100 percent
effective vaccine for it. And while HPV can sneak around condoms,
there’s a highly effective HPV vaccine, too. And there are
effective treatment options for those drug-resistant strains
of gonorrhea you’re reading up on. As for your lady’s man’s
immune system . . .
“If
his cancer has been in remission for years, his immune system
would be considered completely healthy,” says Dr. Barak Gaster,
my medical consultant at the University of Washington. “Even
when an immune system is decimated by heavy chemo, it’s amazingly
able to reconstitute itself.”
But the only way to ensure that you’re not introducing an
STI into your triad—one that you’re not already carrying—is
to commit, for the time being, to having sex with only these
two people.
A new euphemism: When someone cheats on a spouse, that
should be known as “hiking the Appalachian Trail” in honor
of South Carolina governor Mark Sanford.
But I have to say that this Adultery Confessional Theater
is getting tired. Can our culture start to deflate the drama
on extramarital affairs a little? Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer,
Larry Craig, Jon and Kate, John Ensign, Mark Sanford: Yes,
it sucks if kids are involved and it often leads to divorce.
But I wonder if setting the panic bar a bit lower wouldn’t
save more marriages. Maybe we should embrace the fact that
few of us will remain monogamous over the long life of a marriage
and remove sex from the pressured center of domestic life.
—Anne
In NJ
My
reaction when the Sanford scandal broke could be summed up
in six words: Dying* is easy; monogamy is hard.
I’m with you, AINJ, and I have hammered away at those points
for years: At the bottom of all these sex scandals—Sanford,
Ensign, Spitzer, et al.—is our unnatural fixation on monogamy.
Human beings—male or female—aren’t wired to be sexually
monogamous, and the feigned shock with which we’re required
to greet each new revelation of infidelity on the part of
an elected official, a reality-show star, or a sports figure
would be comical if the costs weren’t so great. Elevating
monogamy over all else—insisting that it, and it alone, is
the sole measure of love and devotion—destroys countless marriages,
families, and careers.
Which is not to say that people shouldn’t honor their commitments,
or that there aren’t folks out there capable of remaining
monogamous over the five-decade course of a marriage, or that
the hypocrisy of assholes like Sanford—who called on President
Clinton to resign during Monicagate—isn’t worthy of censure.
But think of all the people who’ve cheated and gotten caught.
Now think about all the people who’ve cheated and gotten away
with it. Our idealized notions about sex—within marriage and
without—are at war with who and what we are. Sex is powerful;
relationships are fragile. Why on earth do we insist on pitting
them against each other?
* Physically, politically.
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