love my boyfriend of three years, but I fucked up. We’ve had
our ups and downs—he broke up with me for two months last
summer because he said he was “young and needs to feel free”—but
we’ve always worked through things. He is super supportive
of me, and we’ve both really grown a lot as people together.
But despite the affection and love, I just don’t feel wanted.
I don’t feel like he wants to fuck my brains out like he used
to. In fact, he rarely does, even when I try to initiate sex.
Over the last six months, I’ve struggled with depression and
not feeling sexy, and not feeling wanted is making both things
worse. Last year, we talked about opening up our relationship,
but I wasn’t really comfortable with it.
Long story short, I went to visit a friend in another city
who lives practically next door to a former fling of mine
from four years ago, and I ended up fooling around with the
former fling. It wasn’t full sex, but it was highly inappropriate.
And yet . . . it felt so good to be wanted so badly.
I feel like a terrible person for so many reasons. I told
my boyfriend—he didn’t respond emotionally, and after 45 minutes
he got up and left and said he would call me when he knew
how he felt. I want him to forgive me, but I have a feeling
he can’t. I don’t want to cause him any more pain than I already
have, but I have no idea how to do that. Do I give him space?
Do I go on with my life?
on with your life, SLUT. Suicide seems a little drastic, given
the circumstances, so let’s not open a vein over this.
It seems to me that the boyfriend was causing you a great
deal of pain before you caused him pain. He has essentially
rejected you again and again—the time he broke things off
so he could “feel free” (what are you, a cage?) and the many
times he’s rejected you sexually and made you feel unwanted.
Your sexual and emotional needs were not being met, and you
succumbed to the attentions of a man who made you feel wanted.
And that was unfortunate, SLUT, but it wasn’t entirely your
fault. If the boyfriend wasn’t sending you the mother of all
mixed signals—doesn’t want to leave you, doesn’t want to fuck
you—you would have been either single and free to fool around
on that trip or not at all interested in fooling around because
you were getting what you needed at home.
So feel a little bad about what you did—you were technically
involved with someone else when you messed around with that
former fling—but don’t feel too bad. This relationship
needed to end; it wasn’t making either of you happy. Think
of it this way: You slammed your car into a brick wall and
totaled the thing. But it was a lemon, SLUT, and now you’re
free to get yourself a new ride.
I have been considering becoming a woman. But the straight
women I have talked to about this are very reluctant to assist
me in my transition from being male to being female. I am
wondering if you think that lesbians might be more open-minded
in assisting me in my transition.
Identity Readjustment Looming
considering becoming a woman—that’s wonderful, GIRL, very
interesting, very compelling stuff, always a special time
in a man’s life. But it’s not like you’re rushing a sorority;
current members—the straight women you’ve approached, the
lesbians you’re thinking about approaching—are not obligated
to answer your questions, offer you assistance, host a tea,
or take even the slightest interest in your transition. Find
a support group for MTFs, GIRL, and you’ll find plenty of
women—longtime members and new pledges—interested in hearing
about your journey. But leave the women you meet in the normal
course of your life—straight women and lesbians who are not
There have to be people out there, walking among us,
who enjoy having sex with those stretched earlobe holes, right?
The first cook to be kicked off the new season of Top Chef
had her lobes stretched around what looked like rims from
P. Diddy’s ride. I’m writing for confirmation that this “community”
With Seven Holes
a general rule, HWSH, if it can be fucked, someone out there
somewhere is fucking it, has fucked it, is about to fuck it,
and has already posted videos of them fucking it on XTube.
Not every hole gets a “community,” HWSH, but every hole gets
its fair share.
My hubby wants to do anal for my first time, him fucking
me, and that’s fine—but I’m only going to let him do it after
he eats his own goo! Standoff! We’ve been married 17 years,
and I think it would be hot! He thinks not! I say fair trade!
I go down on him after he puts it in me sometimes, so I know
how I taste! Am I the only woman who has ever asked her husband
to eat his goo?!?
He is willing, finally, because he really, really wants to
get into my ass. But was it wrong for me to ask? Am I a freak?!?
I’ve asked around, and all my girls think I’m crazy and that
it’s a bad sign about our relationship! But we’ve got two
great kids and we love each other and we have a really happy
life! I just want to see my hubby eat his goo! My girls tell
me I must be trying to make him gay! Nope! I just figured
if he gets something he wants, I get something I want! Am
I a freak?!? Please help!!! Tell me I am not a freak! Tell
me others write about this!
You are respected in our household, and my husband will hear
your answer because I intend to read it to him!!!
a freak, GOO—not that there’s anything wrong with that, of
course. As for the particulars . . .
You made granting your consent to fulfill his fantasy contingent
upon his consenting to fulfill yours. That was manipulative
and unfair of you, GOO, but it was also pretty freaking
hot, just the kind of good-natured, give-and-take-no-prisoners
power play that keeps the sex interesting after 17 years of
marriage. And I don’t just say that as a fan of goo-eating
generally—you might have gotten a “yes” quicker if you didn’t
insist on calling it “goo”—but as a fan of sexual adventures
and pushing boundaries.
You set a bar for the husband to clear, GOO, but you didn’t
set it too high or impossibly high. You weren’t asking him
to let you fuck his ass first, fair but more challenging,
or to swallow some other dude’s load, unfair and extremely
challenging. You didn’t ask him to do something he absolutely,
positively couldn’t do, and you didn’t ask him to do something
you haven’t done yourself (swallow his loads, taste your own
Finally, there’s nothing gay about a guy eating his own come—unless,
of course, he’s eating it off some other guy.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.