boyfriend and I have been living together for a year. He knows
I am an insecure person when it comes to my body. I’m not
overweight, I’ve been told my whole life how good-looking
I am, and my boyfriend tells me he loves my body. We have
an active and interesting sex life. Here is my problem: I
get upset when he looks at porn. I never had a problem with
porn until my previous boyfriend (he preferred porn to sex).
I’ve been uncomfortable about porn ever since. I wish I could
get over this. My boyfriend knows I would love to share pornography
together, but he just does it in private.
I suppose I got upset initially because my boyfriend told
me on several occasions that he didn’t need to look at porn
while he was in a relationship, and I believed him. I later
saw on our computer that this wasn’t true, and he kept denying
it until we had an argument. It bothers me that he felt like
he had to lie about it.
Any help or ideas would be greatly appreciated to help me
get over this.
When I’m alone and I look at the porn my boyfriend watches
on the computer, it does turn me on a little and I masturbate
thinking about him getting off to it. But I feel bad after
I’m done. WTF?
The usual porn de la concorde—the only porn compromise
that works—goes like this: He pretends not to look at porn,
out of consideration for your feelings, and you pretend to
believe him, out of consideration for his. And I would stick
that advice on a pike and parade it under your window if it
weren’t for that amazing little postscript: You’re turned
on when you check out the porn your boyfriend’s been watching,
and—this is a very important detail—you masturbate not so
much to the porn itself but to the idea that this porn is
getting your boyfriend off when you’re not around.
WTF? This the fuck: Your erotic imagination has been hard
at work, FFF, breaking down your sexual fears and insecurities—about
your looks, about porn, about your douchebag ex-boyfriend—and
reconstructing them as a fetish. Congratulations, FFF, you’ve
got a kink. It’s not an uncommon response: Sometimes our subconscious
mind takes the lemons of our sexual insecurities and turns
them into delicious bonerade. So what do you do now? You should
begin to explore and cultivate—slowly, carefully, thoughtfully—your
subconscious mind’s efforts to eroticize your boyfriend’s
porn habits and your own insecurities. Here’s how:
He may never want to look at porn with you—he’s obviously
self-conscious about it, which is why he lied (maybe he had
a bad experience with an ex who freaked out about his porn-viewing
habits that left him feeling insecure?)—but you’ve
already proven that you two don’t have to watch porn together
for both of you to get something out of it. He should continue
to get off watching porn alone but then intentionally leave
the clips for you, perhaps in a dedicated folder. You should
look at those clips—alone—and get off watching the porn he
watched and tormenting yourself—carefully—with mental images
of him getting off to this stuff. Delete the clips you’ve
looked at so that he knows you’re getting off, too, and knows
to refill your clips folder.
You can turn this problem that you’re having with your
boyfriend—he’s looking at porn, you’re masturbating about
it—into a game you’re playing with your boyfriend.
That will give your insecurities an erotic payoff—and that
payoff could alleviate or eliminate those bad and abandoned
I have been in a stable poly relationship for 20 years.
A good friend of mine knows this but rejects poly as a lifestyle
choice for himself. He is in a “monogamous” relationship now.
But he is willing to cheat on his girlfriend—with me if I
wanted, but I’m not keen. My question is this: Why would someone
pick cheating when they know about open or poly relationships?
I don’t understand. I don’t see the logic in it.
Open Poly Eros
it obvious? Your friend wants to have sex with other people,
HOPE, but he doesn’t want his girlfriend having sex with other
people. What I don’t understand is why an honest poly can
be friendly with a dishonest cheater. That’s like an out gay
person being friends with a tormented closet case—where’s
the logic in that?
And this has nothing to do with your question, HOPE, but I’ve
got a little space to kill: The Bell Shoals Baptist Church
in Brandon, Fla., made the news last week when its pastor
replaced the megachurch’s 10 Pepsi vending machines with 10
Coke machines. The pastor felt that Pepsi was far too supportive
of—can you guess?—“the gay lifestyle.”
What I found most remarkable about this story wasn’t the stupidity—more
on that in a moment—but the fact that a single church in Florida
has 10 soda-pop vending machines. Ten! You would think
the good Christians at Bell Shoals could make it through an
hour or two on a Sunday without a cold can of corn syrup.
And psst . . . Bell Shoals? Coke supports gay rights,
too. Your best gay-hatin’ soda-pop option may be ZamZam Cola.
It was a subsidiary of Pepsi, true, but that was before the
Islamic Revolution. Made in Iran, ZamZam Cola is the most
popular soft drink in Saudi Arabia, and I’m guessing the good
folks at ZamZam don’t like the gays any more than you do.
But if the “soft drink of the Hajj” doesn’t appeal to you,
Bell Shoals, how about asking your parishioners to go without
soda pop for an hour a week?
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the
last five years, and we moved in together this past year.
Our sex life is not too active and it’s an issue we’ve discussed
numerous times. This has caused my self-esteem to plummet.
And this aspect of our problem has made me very resentful:
We’re very into D/s play and discovered our kinky interests
early on. In fact, any time I bend him over and spank him
or add a bit of bondage, our sex life picks right up again.
I resent the fact that this is the only way I can get him
interested. Is it possible that he’s only interested in kinky
sex? Does it mean that good old-fashioned vanilla is out of
I enjoy kink just as much as he does and sometimes more, but
every once in a while I just want to be fucked. He’s actually
had difficulty staying hard before if we’re “just” having
Only Likes It Kinky
have leverage here, HOLIK, use it.
The next time you wanna get fucked good and vanilla, HOLIK,
whisper in the boyfriend’s ear that you are so gonna
tie him up and beat his ass . . . tomorrow night. Then
tell him if he wants that—and tell him that you know he wants
it because he’s a dirty little pervert—he’s going to have
to fuck you right now, and fuck you hard, and fuck you the
way you wanna be fucked. Then once he’s fucking you, HOLIK,
whisper something vaguely threatening in his ear once in a
while—something about the beating he’s earning with his good
vanilla behavior—and he won’t have any trouble staying hard.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.