am a 30-year-old woman, married for five years to a man eight
years my senior. Lately I have become more aware that I am
turned on by the idea of bondage, specifically men locked
up in chastity devices. I am ashamed of myself because it
seems, well, pretty perverse and disturbed.
My husband is a pretty dominant alpha-male type. I am a relatively
dominant personality, but I’m a bit submissive around him
in order to keep the peace, as he will not tolerate any disagreement
in certain situations. So I am wondering: Is this new fetish
springing from my frustration at being dominated by the man
in my life, or am I just becoming more aware of my proclivities
as I get older? Is this a sign of a psychological problem?
Should I discuss this at all with my husband?
emotional dynamics in your marriage—he won’t tolerate disagreement
in “certain situations,” you bite your tongue to avoid conflict—sound
a hell of a lot more perverse and disturbed to me than your
growing awareness/acceptance of your interest in bondage and
chastity. Your interest in consensual power exchange is as
sexy as it is common, TTT, and your kinks don’t require his
constant submission, e.g., he’s not tied up once you untie
him, his dick isn’t locked up once you unlock it. His inability
to “tolerate any disagreement in certain situations,” on the
other hand, requires your constant submission.
No relationship lasts unless both partners are willing to
bite their tongues from time to time in the interests of keeping
the peace. But when someone says her husband “will not
tolerate any disagreement in certain situations,” that
worries me. Maybe the list of situations in which your husband
won’t tolerate disagreement is relatively short now, TTT,
and maybe it’s something you can live with. But if your husband
realizes that he can successfully control you with this anger,
the list is likely to grow. Be careful.
On to your fetish: It sounds like you were always turned on
by the idea of controlling a man; you write that you’ve become
“more aware” of this fetish, which leads me to believe that
you’ve had some awareness all along. Why is it coming to the
forefront now? It could have something to do with hitting
your sexual peak, which women do around 30, and it could be
because your kinks go so strongly against the grain of the
established emotional dynamics of your marriage.
I would encourage you to discuss your kinks with your husband.
They’re not anything out of the ordinary (or the extraordinary,
I should say), and lots of dominant dick swingers—guys like
your husband—secretly fantasize about submission. The cliché
about the high-powered CEO who goes crawling to a professional
dominant to get his ass beaten is a cliché because it’s frequently
true. Your husband could be one of those guys—but you’ll never
know until you ask.
I won’t bore you with the story of my 19 years in a
sexless marriage. God knows that must be one of the most common
complaints you get, and you’ve given plenty of good advice
on the topic, some of which I’ll be taking any minute now
to keep me from blowing my head off. What I want to know is,
am I . . . is everyone entitled to an active sex life?
Only Really Needs Your OK
don’t need the whole story, HORNYO, but you could’ve bored
me with a few relevant details. For instance, has your marriage
been sexless for all 19 years of its existence? Or did your
sex life collapse at some point during those 19 years? Did
the sex end a year ago? Five years ago? Ten years ago? Fifteen?
But to answer your question: No one is entitled to an active
sex life. We are all entitled to freedom of sexual expression—consensual
sexual expression—but to express your sexuality with others,
you have to find or marry or rent a willing sex partner. And
while each has the right to seek sexual fulfillment,*
HORNYO, sadly not all who seek shall find. Some folks are
unlucky or unfuckable or wind up trapped in marriages that
always were or have become sexless—which is where compassionate,
understanding sex workers and/or the Ashley Madison Agency
(ashleymadison.com) come in handy.
Back to your marriage: If you were doing something wrong,
HORNYO, if you destroyed your wife’s attraction to you through
neglect (or something worse), then you are obligated to make
a good-faith effort to undo the damage and, perhaps, restore
the sexual aspect of your marriage. But if the wife cut you
off because she simply isn’t interested in sex anymore—or
if she never was interested in sex—then you are entitled to
seek what sexual fulfillment you can find outside your marriage.
* Offer not good in Saudi Arabia or Jamaica.
My boyfriend and his best friend are close. Last summer,
I noticed that when my boyfriend gets drunk he tries to grab
his friend’s ass, throws his arm around him, and sits close
to him. Then one day I found a pair of underwear in our bedroom
that belonged to my boyfriend’s best friend. My boyfriend
said he didn’t know how they got there. I figured he and his
pal messed around and he didn’t know how to talk about it
honestly because he’s pretty macho. I was jealous, but I asked
myself if I could accept a bi boyfriend and decided that I
So a few days ago, my boyfriend’s best friend asks me if I
tell my boyfriend everything he, the best friend, tells me.
I say no, not necessarily. So he asks me to promise not to
tell my boyfriend what he’s about to tell me. I say that depends.
He brings up the underwear incident and says that he called
a prostitute that night and fucked her in my bed, and that’s
why his underwear was in my room. He tells me that my boyfriend
let me think they were gay for each other rather than tell
me that they called a hooker. And he tells me my boyfriend
didn’t touch the hooker—to which I say yeah right.
Why did he tell me this? And what do I do with it now? Do
I just forget about it? Please give me some advice. I feel
like I can’t trust either of them right now.
would your boyfriend’s best friend come to you now, SAD, so
many months after the Underwear Incident, and tell you this
involved, incriminating, improbable story and then swear you
to secrecy? Either he’s gone rogue on your boyfriend and made
up all of this crap about the hooker in an effort to sabotage
your relationship, SAD, or he and your boyfriend are concerned
that you’re onto them and this is some bizarre effort to cover
their tracks, i.e., to offer some excuse for the sole piece
of incriminating evidence that indicates they may be something
more than best friends.
Fucking each other or not, your boyfriend’s best friend is
fucking with your head, and you’re under no obligation to
keep this conversation secret from your boyfriend—and your
ass is more than covered by that “that depends.” Talk it out
with your boyfriend, SAD, and tell him you want the truth.
Is he bisexual—emphasizing that you can live with bi—or is
he gay? Or is he really such a scumbag that he’d tag-team
a hooker in your bed with his best friend? Give him a chance
to come clean and/or come out. And if your gut tells you he’s
lying, SAD, end it.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.