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I’ve
been married four years and have a beautiful baby boy with
my husband. I enjoy sex a lot, even a bit of BDSM. My husband,
on the other hand, isn’t “driven by sex,” as he likes to put
it, and will try tying me up if that’s what I “really want.”
You’d think if he wasn’t driven by sex, the few times we did
have sex, he would last for a while, but he lasts at best
five minutes. On the occasional blue moon, it’ll be about
10 minutes. My problem is, all I can think about is getting
fucked by some stranger with no strings attached so I can
get rid of this heartbreak, for lack of a better word. But
I always back out, because I don’t want to risk my family
or my husband’s happiness. I don’t want to be a cheater, Dan,
but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life having missed
out on my “sexual prime” because my husband already experienced
his. I should mention that he’s 35 and I’m 23. I also have
a few poly friends who are kinky, and they preach to me that
being monogamous is a mistake and I can seek out kinky play
with others without it being sexual. Please be as brutal as
possible.
—Permission
2 Explore Please
Before
I get to your question, P2EP, a programming note: fuck
ouch damn it Christ! I’m suffering from some sort of carpal-tunnel/repetitive-motion/too-much-beating-off
injury, and it feels like my right arm is on fire. Every letter
I type sends a blast of white-hot pain up my arm and into
my head and fuck ouch damn it Christ! Since I’m in
a great deal of pain here, I thought it only appropriate that
I give the column over to letters about BDSM. That way, someone—my
kinkiest readers—can enjoy my suffering.
OK, P2EP, you have my permission. Not to explore, as it’s
not in my power to grant you permission to do that. You have
my permission to go and demand permission to explore from
your lazy, selfish, inconsiderate husband. Renegotiate your
deal. You have needs, they’re not being met, and he doesn’t
seem interested in meeting them. Tell him that you will remain
sexually exclusive—only his cock gets near your holes (for
now)—but you want and need and demand permission to
at least explore erotic-but-not-fully-sexual kink with others.
Sell it to him as something that relieves him of the burden
of having to do this stuff—kink—with you and/or feeling bad
about not doing this stuff with you.
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I’m a straight man, age 26. I was just dumped by a married
couple. The wife was very sadistic, and the husband did not
enjoy pain. When we got together, she would hurt me (TT, CBT,
flogging) before fucking him. The wife asked if I wanted to
play alone sometime, and I said yes. When she asked her husband
and told him that she had already checked with me and I was
willing, he said that I had violated our agreement. It isn’t
easy finding people into SM where we live—the Bible Belt of
Canada—and playing alone was her idea, not mine. What do I
do?
—Dumped
Up North
You
move. The husband is blaming you because it’s less consequential
than blaming the wife. But he’s clearly not comfortable—Fuck
ouch damn it Christ!—having your black-and-blue ass around
anymore, due to the wife’s actions, and so you’re out. Unfair,
yes, but there’s not a lot you can do about it. Besides move.
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I am a 22-year-old bisexual male who goes to a small,
prestigious liberal-arts college in the Midwest. I’ve had
boyfriends, girlfriends, and one-night stands, but I have
never really felt like sex worked out as well as I imagine
it could. I have a dominant personality, and people tend to
follow me. Perhaps for this reason, I have fetishized submission.
I imagine I would be into bondage and domination. I think
I am a bit more attracted to women and would love to find
a woman who takes a strong, dominant role in our relationship.
I feel like I am always expected to make the first move with
women, which has led me to prefer hooking up with men. I just
wonder if there is anything I could do to find a woman who’d
be into dominating me.
I don’t really like making the first move, but I’ve found
just waiting and looking pretty doesn’t work too well with
women. Are there some ladies I could approach, and after the
initial flirting, the dynamic would change and they would
take the lead? How would I know who these people are?
—Not
Sure What I Want
There
may be one or two young women kicking around your small, prestigious
liberal-arts college who fantasize about taking the lead,
about tying up and dominating their boyfriends, NSWIW, but
they’re not going to be tottering around campus in high-heeled
boots and latex and leather. And even dominant women who are
out tend to observe/succumb to the same cultural norms/practices
that you find frustrating, i.e., they expect the male to make
the first move, even in kinky environments.
But back to the young women you’re likely to encounter at
your prestigious college: A lot of women with naturally dominant
and/or sadistic streaks—women who will one day really enjoy
BDSM—don’t realize it until that first submissive boyfriend
draws it out of them. So if you want to get tied up, pegged,
and bossed around while you’re at college, NSWIW, you need
to be paradoxically assertive about your submissive tendencies.
You may have to ask four or five girls, or a dozen, before
you hit the jackpot (before you ask a dominant girl), but
you will have to take the lead.
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I am a 24-year-old lesbian who has been out for five
years. I am also hot, vain, in shape, and kinky as all hell.
I suppose I’m what you’d call a “lipstick lesbian.” In any
event, I like being thrown around, tied up, gagged, etc. One
of my all-time favorite fantasies is the lesbian equivalent
of pegging, i.e., being done up the ass by a hot woman with
a strap-on. I like the vanilla stuff as well—holding, kissing,
cuddling, dyking it up—but what I’m really into is bondage.
And my last girlfriend dumped me when I mentioned that I liked
to be tied up. My question is, are there other young, kinky,
sexaholic feminine lesbians/bisexual women out there? Am I
a complete freak? Or am I just being a sexually selfish boor?
Should I just try to let go of my kinks?
—Domination
Yearnings Keep Encounters Stimulating
P.S.
Thank you so much for all the times you’ve emphasized that
straight men who are into pegging are just that—straight.
It helped me to accept that my own pegging fantasies don’t
make me any less a lesbian, because so much of their appeal
comes from the fact that it would be a woman doing the pegging.
Only a small percentage of women are lesbians, DYKES, and
an even smaller number of that already-small number are kinky.
Your best strategy is to be out about your kinks from the
start, so that you don’t waste any more of your time and vanity-inducing
hotness on women who won’t tie your ass up.
And finally: Fuck ouch damn it Christ!
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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