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I
am a 34-year-old straight, single female. I have a fantasy
I can’t find much about online, so I figured I’d ask you for
advice.
My fantasy is to be blindfolded, bent over a table/couch/whatever,
and fucked by whoever happens to walk by. I realize this would
have to take place in a safe environment, but most sex clubs
or parties tend to be for swingers, specifically couples.
There’s a sex club nearby that looks like it might cater to
my fantasy, but can I just walk in off the street and bend
over? Do I need to go a few times first and talk to people?
That kind of kills the fantasy of it, really. Any advice would
be greatly appreciated.
—Take
A Number
You
could probably walk into a sex club and bend over—lord knows
some gay men do just that—but it would be a bad idea.
But you can realize your fantasy, TAN, and here’s how: Most
swingers clubs permit couples and single women to attend parties
(sorry, single guys). Go to a few parties, keep your pants
on, introduce yourself around, find a couple or two whom you
click with. Share your fantasy with your new friends and ask
if they might be interested in helping you realize it.
And your fantasy is totally realizable—I’ve seen very similar
ones realized once or twice—but the only way to realize your
fantasy safely is with a couple of trusted friends hovering
nearby. You need someone there who’s making sure that men
who take advantage of you in your bent-over-and-blindfolded
state have condoms on and don’t attempt to do anything other
than what you’ve consented to.
Sometimes realizing a fantasy requires a little suspension
of disbelief, TAN, so you’ll just have to pretend your guardian
angels aren’t there watching out for you. And if part of what
makes the fantasy so hot is being a helpless sex object in
a room full of strangers, you can always go with your friends
to a different sex club, one where you don’t know anyone but
that your new friends checked out for you in advance.
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I’m a single, straight guy who just turned 30. Never
had a serious relationship, had sex twice. Not for a lack
of opportunity, but I wasn’t ready for it emotionally until
I was about 25. I’m a good-looking guy with a good job. I’m
funny, independent, and easygoing. But I feel like there is
a wall preventing me from having a relationship. Part of it
is that I like having my own space. I like solitude, but I
feel like I could let someone in my life and make time for
her and go from there. And another part of it is I cannot
for the life of me flirt with a girl I find attractive. I
can turn a girl I’m not attracted to beet red if I have to,
but I get tongue-tied around girls I think are hot.
Now that I feel mature enough to have someone in my life,
what can I do to break down this wall I’ve put up to protect
myself?
—Lonely
One Seeks Ties
P.S.
I should probably add that I’m a submissive. Not that I’m
looking to be emotionally dominated or anything, but being
tied up in a corner and only speaking when Mistress tells
me it’s okay sounds pretty awesome.
I’m glad you included that postscript, LOST.
Google the term “munch,” along with “BDSM” and the name of
the city where you live (or the nearest big city if you live
in butt- fucknowhere). Munches are informal gatherings hosted
by and for straight folks into BDSM; most are hosted by reputable
BDSM or sex clubs—Orlando Power Exchange, Los Angeles’s Threshold
Society, Seattle’s Center for Sex Positive Culture—and nothing
happens at a munch. No sex, no play, just conversation
and lunch. You’ll meet other kinky straight folks who are
interested in what you’re interested in, and you’ll be forced
to interact with the women there—even the ones who typically
leave you tongue-tied.
Serious question here: Does putting toothpaste or Bengay
or whatever else on one’s scrotum cause sterility or have
any other negative health effects?
—Great
Balls Of Fire
Um
. . . nope. It would probably be for the best if the guys
who’ve posted YouTube videos of themselves putting Bengay
on their balls were all sterile, GBOF, but most will sadly
reproduce.
I’m a pretty hairy dude. I like my hairy chest. I like
growing a beard in the winter. I like my hairy arms and legs.
The only place that I don’t like hair is my crotch. I shave
my pubes pretty regularly, but I have long, scraggly, gross
hairs all over my balls, which I could really do without.
The thought of accidentally cutting myself down there has
been a pretty good deterrent from going at it with a razor,
and just the idea of putting some hair-removal product like
Nair down there makes me wince. I’ve poked around the Internet
and haven’t been able to find a real satisfactory answer,
so I thought I’d turn to my last resort: Is there a safe,
easy, relatively pain-free way to get rid of this unsightly
hair?
—Clever
Nickname Up To You
Um…
nope. Waxing is the way to go, but it smarts.
Your advice for Seriously Troubled Here, the MARRIED
MAN whose WIFE made out with another man (who she CLAIMS was
gay) was the kind of knee-jerk anti-male bullshit and anti-male
bias that straight men have come to expect from therapists,
advice columnists, and “sex experts.” She gets drunk and flirts
with other men and MAKES OUT WITH THEM, and he’s the douchebag?
Fuck you and your misandry. Men shouldn’t seek your advice
because you’re clearly incapable of taking their side. You
may not like pussy yourself, you cocksucker, but you’ll take
the twat’s side every time. The world doesn’t need another
asshole “advice professional” who sides with the woman no
matter what she does.
—Men
Against Dan
Excuse
me? I’m the advice columnist—I’m practically the only
advice columnist—who doesn’t automatically leap to
the woman’s side in a dispute. I’m the guy who tells women
that all men watch porn (so get over it or get a dog), that
oral comes standard (sucking cock and eating pussy),
and that under certain circumstances a husband (or a wife)
has a right and a responsibility to cheat (just because you’re
not interested in sex anymore doesn’t mean he has to go without
for the rest of his life). You won’t get that from Prudie
or Amy or Carolyn.
Sorry, MAD, and everyone else who wrote in: I stand behind
my advice to STH. His wife was apologetic and recognized that
her behavior would have to change because it was, at the very
least, deeply upsetting to her husband. She also confessed
to kissing another dude, a gay dude, two years before they
married, and he was having trouble forgiving her. If the
roles were reversed—husband kissed lesbian two years before
the wedding and wife couldn’t forgive and move on—you can
bet your clenched butts that I would’ve called the wife a
douchebag.
For crying out loud, MAD, I’ve told wives—and husbands—to
forgive and forget infidelities. Did you really expect
me to tell STH to leave his wife over a kiss?
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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