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I
have a problem. A key part of my problem, I feel, is that
I’m a recovering anorexic and I am still struggling a great
deal to eat normal and healthy portions of food. A friend
and I have recently become “friends with benefits.” He lives
very far away, so we primarily indulge through IMs. He knows
I have issues with food, though he doesn’t know to what extent.
Normally, I try to be GGG, even trying out a bit of vore in
our role-playing and making it a regular thing since he really
enjoys it. Recently, though, he brought up adding pregnancy
play to our games, and I’m terrified of trying it. Just the
thought of it is a bit triggering to me, and I’m so scared
that actually trying it will be even more triggering, not
to mention my fear that, once we finally get together again
physically, he will want to indulge in pregnancy play with
me wearing one of those fake-stomach things.
Am I overreacting and should I just go through with it, try
it at least once? How do I explain to him that I’m scared
that something he finds exciting could send me right back
into the starving hell I was dealing with just a month ago?
—Fearing
Erotic Deeds
“Where
to start?” asks Brian, a straight, married Catholic guy who
won the right to give advice in this space at a charity auction.
(Yes, yes: Writing an advice column is a sacred trust—blah
blah what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you-Savage blah—and letting
some auction winner rummage through my e-mail is a brutal
violation of that trust, etc., etc., and I’m a bad, bad man,
etc., etc.)
“That
you are having trouble eating anywhere close to normal shows
that you have not fully recovered from your anorexia,” Brian
continues. “And that you’re worrying about pregnancy play
and its effects on your psyche tells me that you are not even
in the recovering phase yet. Pregnant does not equal fat.
I’m not even sure that fake pregnant equals fake
fat, but that is beside the point. While pregnant women can
become fat, and fat women can become pregnant, the two have
very little to do with each other.”
Let me break in here for a second: Vore play, FED? Really?
Is that wise? Vore, for the uninitiated, is short for vorarephilia,
which involves fantasies about being eaten or eating. It’s
hard to imagine a more potentially damaging fantasy role-play
scenario for a recovering anorexic than vore, for
crying out loud, particularly when that anorexic has only
been “recovering” for a month.
“If
strapping a plastic baby bump under your T-shirt is going
to send you back to Starvingtown, USA,” Brian advises, “then
you need to address these issues with professional counseling.
GGG or not, you are no good to your current FWB, any future
ones, or to yourself if you don’t get past this.”
Dan again: Frankly, FED, I’d advise you to give sex a rest
for the moment. You don’t have to be 100 percent recovered
before you become sexually active again, of course, but I’m
concerned about your judgment and that your FWB—who knows
that you have “issues with food”—would pursue these particular
fantasy scenarios.
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My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a
half years. We have a really great relationship and we talk
out any issues that arise, but right now we have a problem
that can’t really be talked out. He has a really close female
friend whom he supposedly has no romantic feelings for whatsoever.
I get along pretty well with her. But, recently, he has started
to get our names mixed up. The first time he did it to me,
we were on the phone. He said, “I love you, [insert her name].”
It was upsetting, but I brushed it off as a one-time brain
fart. But since then, he’s done it a half a dozen more times.
We’ve talked about it, and he says he has no idea why he does
it and that it doesn’t mean anything, but it still hurts me
so much when it happens. Is it possible that it really means
nothing? How can I just ignore it?
—Hurt
And Confused
“What’s
the most you ever lost on a coin toss?” asks Brian. “You are
about to find out. Heads you cut him loose and move on; tails
you pass off his name switching as a brain fart and don’t
give it another thought.”
Brian isn’t serious about the coin toss. I think. He just
wants to draw attention to your predicament and the choice
you face. At least I think that’s what he means. OK, back
to Brian:
“Either
you believe they are just friends or you don’t. My suspicion
is that you feel threatened by this girl. The tone of your
letter also implies that if you did pressure him, you believe
he would choose her over you. But maybe not—I really have
no way of knowing.”
And that’s what separates the advice professionals from the
auction-winning amateurs. Now, Brian’s a lovely guy and he’s
doing a great job—and he made a sizable donation to a worthy
charity—but advice professionals never let not knowing
stop us from making definitive pronouncements: Your boyfriend
may have feelings for this other woman, HAC, and feelings
for you that are just as strong or stronger. Whether or not
you should DTMFA depends entirely on how strong your feelings
are for him.
OK, now back to Brian. It turns out that he is serious
about a coin toss: “Go to the nearest vending machine,” Brian
says, “and buy a can of Coke for 75 cents. Use the quarter
you get back for that coin toss. If you find out later that
your decision was wrong, then so be it. But to live in a state
of paranoia about a name slip seems silly.”
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In your advice last week to Lonely One Seeks Ties you
said, “Munches are informal gatherings hosted by and for straight
folks into BDSM . . .” I’ve attended various munches on a
regular basis, and I’d have to say that over half of the regular
attendees at each of them are not straight. The folks at the
monthly munch I attend include my Husband/Owner (pansexual
trans man), a gay male couple, a straight male/bisexual female
couple, a lesbian possibly accompanied by one of her female
partners/submissives, a hetero couple (at least as they present
straight), a single bisexual man, a crossdressing male, and
a straight man with two bisexual female submissives. Munches
are for everyone!
—Bad
Dan’s Silly Munchconception
Sorry
about that, BDSM.
I’ve actually never been to a munch, and the people I know
who go are straight or, um, “straight presenting.” The fags
I know into BDSM—hey guys!—have a much easier time finding
partners than my straight kinky pals, which perhaps makes
munches less necessary for gays, if no less welcoming of gays.
Straights tend to be more invested in “normal”—and quicker
to freak out about kinks—than proud-to-be-abnormal homos.
But I stand corrected: Munches are for everyone. I
should’ve checked with a regular munch-goer, and someone really
ought to punish me for screwing this up.
Any takers?
Hey, readers: Why not be like Brian and make a donation to
a worthy charity? The people of Haiti could really use your
help. I made a donation at redcross.org. You should, too.
And fuck Pat Robertson and his vile, hateful, santorum-spewing
mouth.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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