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I’m
writing to you to settle a dispute between my husband and
me. We have been married for six years. We’re not terribly
adventurous, but we’re not totally vanilla, either. However,
there is one issue that is driving me insane: My husband constantly
pesters me to have anal sex. We have tried it in the past,
and it is NOT my bag. I don’t enjoy it AT ALL. But my husband
will not stop pestering me. He thinks if we just keep trying,
eventually I’ll come around to liking it. I’m pretty GGG,
Dan, but this is one thing where I draw the line. He thinks
I’m being unreasonable; I think he is. Do I need to give in,
or does he need to get off my back?
—Needing
Expert Advice
I
think we should all be—as I’ve written about a hundred thousand
times—good (in bed), giving (of pleasure, of indulgences),
and game (for very nearly anything), aka GGG. And I frequently
like to remind married people—particularly, married people
who value monogamy—that they willingly assumed sole responsibility
for their spouse’s sexual fulfillment.
That said, NEA, we are each entitled to our likes and dislikes.
But before I let you off the anal hook: I’m assuming that
your all-caps emphasis—“NOT my bag,” “don’t enjoy it AT ALL”—means
that you find anal penetration to be a physical trial and/or
an emotional torment. “I could TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT” or “There’s
nothing in that for ME” or “That leaves me COLD” are not good
enough reasons to refuse to occasionally indulge your spouse
in whatever it is that gets him/her off. While it would be
wonderful if every couple’s sex life consisted entirely of
acts that both partners found equally thrilling—so egalitarian!
So fairzees!—a fulfilling sex life is too important, particularly
for monogamous couples, to trust in coincidence alone.
OK, NEA, getting back to your ass: You tried it, you didn’t
like it, and you don’t have to keep doing it. And, yes, your
husband should stop pestering you about it, NEA, but you do
have to let him grieve—grieve for the ass he isn’t going to
get from you and, if you’re monogamous, grieve for the ass
he isn’t going to get anywhere else.
And speaking of anal . . .
Nancy Elliott, a state representative in New Hampshire, wants
to ban same-sex marriage in that state—where it’s been legal
for less than three months—and here’s her reasoning: “We’re
talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in
the rectum of another man and wiggling it around in excrement.
And you have to think . . . would I allow that to be done
to ME?”
Where to begin? How about here . . .
If you’re wiggling your penis around in excrement when you’re
having anal sex, Representative Elliott, you’re doing it
wrong. You would think this would be obvious even to people
who’ve never had anal sex, but apparently not. So let me break
it down for you, Representative Elliott: You don’t have anal
sex with an ass full of shit for the same reason you don’t
have oral sex with a mouth full of food. It’s messy and no
one wants a mess. (Except for the people who do want
a mess, of course, but they’re a blessed rarity.) An empty,
douched, and lubed anal cavity isn’t that much dirtier than
an empty, flossed, and brushed oral cavity.
I will concede that excrement is for anal what Representative
Elliott is for the New Hampshire State Legislature: a PR disaster.
But excrement-free anal sex is easy. Make sure there’s
some fiber in your diet, be regular, and only go for it when
you’re empty—no anal during your butt menses!—and you’ll never
get excrement on a single wigglin’ dick.
And now a question for you, Representative Elliott: Are you
really sure you want to make it illegal for buttfuckers to
get married?
“According
to a 2005 survey conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention,” a commenter whom I’m going to quote
at length (hey, Baconcat!) wrote on a blog in reaction to
Elliott’s remarks, “40 percent of men and 35 percent of women
between 25 and 44 had engaged in heterosexual anal sex. Some
studies put the incidence of anal sex in the heterosexual
population as low as 24 percent and some as high as 56 percent.
Averaging those numbers, let’s say 38.8 percent of heterosexuals
engage in anal sex. Ninety-six percent of Americans are straight.
There are 190,000,000 adults between the ages of 18 and 65
in the United States, so that means 70,771,200 adults are
engaging in heterosexual anal sex. Four percent of the adult
population is gay, or 7,600,000 people. Roughly half—3,800,000—are
gay males. Polls indicate that between 55 and 80 percent of
gay males participate in anal sex. Taking the average—67.5
percent—that means the number of gay men having anal sex comes
to 2,565,000.”
Math is hard, Representative Elliott, but see if you can’t
wiggle this into your cranial cavity: 70,771,200 is more—a
whole lot more—than 2,565,000. Anal sex in America is primarily
a heterosexual pursuit. So if you really want to protect the
sacred sanctity of marriage from the unholy taint of penises
wiggling in rectums, Representative Elliott, you need to ban
straight marriage first. (We needn’t protect marriage from
lesbians, of course, because lesbians don’t have anuses.)
I am a 26-year-old female who likes anal sex. The problem
is my boyfriend’s dick is too big. It’s about nine inches
long, but the real issue is girth. I enjoyed anal sex with
a previous partner, but my BF and I have done it only once.
It was fairly unpleasant, even though we used copious amounts
of lube. Are there ways to make anal sex possible for us?
—Achingly
Needs Anal Love
Stop
trying to wiggle that monster into your rectum, ANAL, and
focus instead on fingers and toys and orgasms for you, cheeky-fucking
for the boyfriend. (Think titty-fucking, but using your ass
cheeks instead of your tits.) Have lots of orgasms with toys
of various sizes in your ass. Then every once in a while—when
you’re feeling it, when your ass feels like it’s ready, when
you’re not having your butt menses—ease the boyfriend in.
He should stay absolutely still while you get yourself off
with your hands or a vibrator. The next time you’re feeling
it, put him in and let him move around just a little while
you get yourself off.
The goal here—and it’s a long-term goal—is to make anal sex
as pleasurable for you as it is, or will be one day, for the
boyfriend. Take your time, ANAL, don’t rush things, and thanks
for being one of the 70,771,200 straight people out there
who prove every day that you can have anal sex and access
to legal marriage, too.
I am an 18-year-old female college freshman. My boyfriend
is also 18. He recently confided in me that he wanted to wear
my panties and a dress while I wore his boxers and fucked
him in the ass with a dildo. I have been reading your column
since I was 13. Had I never read your column, I might have
assumed my boyfriend was gay or thought he was gross or thought
I was gross for liking the idea. Instead, I helped pick out
a dress I thought would look sweet on him, and we had a wonderful
time. Thank you so much!
—Loves
Boys In Panties
No,
thank you, LBIP, because every time a straight girl
sticks something up a straight boy’s ass, a bigoted state
representative dies a little inside.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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