and ladies, thank you for taking time to attend this meeting.
We here at the Foundation for American Rectitude Triumphant
are well aware that your time is valuable. Why, in the time
that it took Jerry to adjust the height on that Aeron chair,
his company made more than the GNP of all but three First
World nations. So, he’s leaving the tip today! Just kidding,
We’ve asked you here today for an update from our Moral Panic
Division. They’ve been working overtime in recent months and
feel like they’re onto something really exciting—a truly inspired
take on old-school, race-fueled paranoia as a tool for Social
Oh, you like that? Thanks. It’s a phrase we’ve recently trademarked.
We found that it tested better than Social Control in most
As you know, moral panic has produced some of our greatest
hits over the years. It’s the core department upon which our
enterprise is constructed. Before there was a Foundation for
American Rectitude Triumphant, there were visionaries dedicated
to the preservation of the status quo via the profitable demonization
of the Other, visionaries who laid the ground in which our
mission was cultivated and has flourished. You are aware of
this history, but I hope you will indulge me in a quick review.
In 1875, the first legal prohibition of a particular drug,
opium, was enacted: a beautifully—if I may say so—subtle piece
of legal legerdemain providing the template for many later
successes. By seizing upon the hostility of whites toward
the growing Asian population, San Francisco lawmakers were
able to establish an ordinance criminalizing the smoking of
opium, which was the popular means of ingestion among the
Chinese residents of that city, while allowing the use of
the the same drug in other forms available to Caucasians.
The public went along with this plan willingly, as they had
been made aware of the great numbers—ahem—of white women and
girls who were being led into Chinese-run opium dens and to
dissipation and disrepute.
This was brilliant in itself. The 1914 passage of the Harrison
Act, which required that any form of opium be distributed
only by licensed sellers (i.e., white sellers), was just icing.
A similarly effective deployment of red tape and race hate
worked wonders with the Marijuana Tax Act in 1937: Mexican
bogeymen being every bit as useful as Chinese. This approach
yielded amazing results with the criminalization of cocaine;
if anything, the scapegoating of “cocainized” African-Americans
proved more effective a terror than we could ever have imagined.
We rode—and continue to ride—that fear throughout the 20th
Century into the 21st!
Not to blow—pardon the pun—our own horns.
Now, granted, there was that Prohibition muddle. We experienced
a bit of mission creep on that one, I admit. We did correct
it, though. And looking back, we’ve now identified the central
flaw in that instance, which brings us, nearly, to the matter
at hand. In our ongoing search for tools to add to the toolbox
of Social Sculpting, we have relied heavily and effectively
on the threat, as we have established it, of drug use in the
population at large. This, thanks to the baby boomers—no offense,
of course—is an increasingly tenuous strategy, as the generation
continues to be one of the most heavily doped on record. From
pot to Paxil, Valium to Viagra, you guys consume like Vikings.
Which, frankly, alarmed us. The hoi polloi are ever-wiser
vis a vis hypocrisy. But we’ve come up with something . .
. something inspired, we think.
What was central to the aforementioned panics? Drugs, yes.
But more specifically it was the specter of dark-skinned people
on drugs. And why is that so fearful? Let me put it this way:
“This is a brain. This is a brain on drugs. This is a black
brain on drugs. This is a black brain on drugs, on a white
The drugs are only incidental, you see. That’s where we went
wrong with Prohibition. The real lever, so to speak, is sexual
insecurity. Demonize the Chinese as inscrutable and sexually
perverse (Jer, there, has already thumbed through the Manga
we’ve provided as examples, I see); the Mexicans as gangbangers
of one type or another (help yourself to the Weeds DVDs,
Madame Secretary); and as to African-Americans, well . . .
We are all looking forward to Tiger’s return. Man’s an incredible
Gentlemen and ladies, we believe that, with careful planning
and PR, supported by strategic legislation, we can build and
maintain a Moral Panic regarding private sexuality every bit
as profitable and distracting as the War on Drugs. We’re thinking
“The Committee to Oversee Intimacy in The United States.”
But we’re still working on the branding.