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I’m
a 23-year-old bi dude seeing a guy who is intelligent, sweet,
attractive—the works. We’ve been together for six weeks. The
problem is, after our first night together, I lost sexual
interest in him. When I do get horny—which is rare at the
moment due to work pressures—I prefer to beat off alone, because
I can fantasize about some sort of transgression or other
when I do it, e.g., having sex where I’m at risk of being
discovered, rape fantasies, incest scenarios. Obviously, at
some point I began associating “sexy” with “dangerous” and
maybe “wrong.”
I want a serious relationship, but I’m tired of pretending
and failing in bed because I’m just not into the sex. And,
damnit, he’s cute and I should be able to get it up! What
do I need to do?
—Two
Guys, One Erection
Here’s
an idea, TGOE: risk having the sex that turns you on—sexy,
dangerous, and wrong—with this guy who turns you on. Fuck
him in public, fuck him where you might be discovered, fuck
him by simulated force. And whether you’re fucking at home
or in public, TGOE, you’re free to fantasize that your no-relation
boyfriend is your brother/nephew/uncle—or sister/niece/aunt—if
that’s what it takes to get you off. (Whether it would be
wise to tell him that you’re entertaining incest fantasies
while you’re fucking him is another matter.)
And when you’re not having dangerous and/or wrong sex, TGOE,
you can talk—talk dirty—about all the dangerous and/or wrong
sex you’ve had with him already and plan to have with him
in the future. Even if you’re fucking around under the covers
at home with the door shut and the lights off, TGOE, you can
tell him about how next time you’re going to fuck him so hard
in a public place that the police are going to come running
when they hear him scream because you’re both so dangerous
and wrong and blah blah dirty talk blah.
But you’ll never get to a “two guys, two erections” place,
TGOE, if you don’t risk sharing your real sexual fantasies
and interests with this guy. Given a choice between hot sex
with his boyfriend—which requires incorporating the boyfriend’s
kinks—or boring sex that leaves you feeling unsatisfied and
him feeling rejected, and eventually leads to the demise of
this relationship, your boyfriend is likelier to choose hot
sex.
The basics of my life: I’m male, straight, in my mid-20s;
I have a twin sister and have been with my girlfriend for
three years. I want to break up with my girlfriend for a variety
of reasons. I have begun the “it’s not working for me anymore”
conversation four times. But each time I do, she brings up
different sexual fantasies I have confided in her during our
relationship. I believe the implication is that if I break
up with her, she’ll tell people about my fantasies—one in
particular.
And
that cannot happen under any circumstances!!!
The
fantasy I am most worried about her revealing is incestuous
in nature. When I was about 15, I—on occasion—used mental
images of my sister to get off. I never had any romantic or
sexual feelings toward her in real life—I was never attracted
to her when she was physically present—and once I started
sleeping with real girls, my fantasies about my sister ceased.
One time, my girlfriend and I got stoned and discussed our
most outrageous sexual fantasies; our relationship was different
then, more trusting, and I told her about this stuff. I want
out of the relationship, but I am terrified of what would
happen if she told people, especially my sister. How can I
exit this relationship, and how can I contain the damage if
she decides to tell people my secret? And is it fucked up
that I used to masturbate to thoughts about my twin?
—Freaking
Fucked Or Fucking Freak?
I
wish my boyfriend were as easy to manipulate as you seem to
be—Jesus, the shit I could get away with.
Anyway, dumbfuck, unless you put your most outrageous sexual
fantasies in writing—and hopefully you didn’t—you’re
not the one in real danger here. Your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend
is. Here’s what you do: Spend a week in front of a mirror
perfecting a look of stunned incredulity, and then go break
things off with your girlfriend. Make sure the actual split
is big and messy and public. If she attempts to retaliate
by telling people about your no-longer-operative sexual fantasies,
FFOFF, you slap that looked of stunned incredulity on your
face and say, “I knew we had a bad breakup, but, my God, what
kind of sick piece of shit makes up something like that?”
Then just for the hell of it, FFOFF, confide in one or two
friends that you’re not surprised your ex went there—that
she tried to drag your sister into this—because she was always
pressuring you about having a three-way with your sister,
and that was one of the reasons you dumped her.
And yeah, FFOFF, masturbating to thoughts of a sibling is
a little fucked-up. But it’s not uncommon for teenagers to
fantasize—and, in some disturbing instances, to actualize—about
their siblings. Sex can seem scary and new, while our siblings
seem safe and familiar. For most people, those early and inappropriate
fantasies quickly subside, as they did for you, and most people
have the good sense to stuff ’em down the memory hole.
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My boyfriend and I have been together for six months.
He’s 23 and I’m 22. He’s a virgin and I’m not. I’ve been very
slow and patient about sex, and he’s responded really well.
I’m GGG, and he’s gotten really good about taking initiative
and suggesting things. We’ve done all the basic sex-without-
actual-intercourse things—outercourse, fingering, oral—and
we’re both very satisfied with our “not sex” life. Lately,
the subject of anal intercourse has come up. I’ve never done
it, but I am turned on by the idea, and he’s definitely up
for it. What’s the problem then? The idea of our first real
sex being anal bothers me. He pleases me, and his reasons
for not having vaginal sex when we do so much else are at
least somewhat logical (we’re both paranoid about pregnancy,
even though I’m on birth control and we’d use condoms). But
I worry that by having anal sex, I’ll delay the sex that I
really want! Plus, I worry that by having exclusively anal
sex now, he won’t be as turned on by the regular kind later.
—Stick
It In Me Already
If
he’s not up for vaginal intercourse for religious and/or ridiculous
reasons, SIIMA, that’s his call. If you’re not up for anal
sex for whatever reason, that’s your call. He should support
your decision, SIIMA, just as you’ve supported his.
And for the record: Neither of you are virgins. You have a
little virgin territory left to explore—your vagina, your
butt, his butt—but you’re both sexually active nonvirgins,
and have been for months.
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