am a mostly straight, 22-year-old woman. I am a pretty GGG
kind of gal. I am generally not put off easily, even if I
am told things that don’t quite do it for me.
So I just started seeing this guy. I haven’t known him for
long—no serious sexual activity other than mild foreplay.
The other night, a few drinks in, we ventured into talking
about sex and porn. When I asked what type of porn he watches,
he said that he likes videos of “dirty whores, rape scenarios,
and gang bangs.” Now mind you, I like being treated like a
dirty whore. And I love porn. But for some reason, this put
me off. I ended up heading home early, and I am apprehensive
about seeing him again.
Was my reaction legit? I’ve indulged other partners in bondage,
BDSM, power games, and so on (which I am very much into).
So why am I judging this nice, good-looking guy as a creep?
Off And Displeased
TOAD, I want to praise you for trusting your gut and getting
out of there. Everyone should follow your example: When someone
is making you uncomfortable, folks, emulate TOAD—make your
excuses and bolt. On to your question . . .
You’ve liked being treated like a dirty whore and you’ve done
BDSM with other guys, so why are you judging this particular
Someone who’s turned on by extreme power games—hardcore BDSM,
degradation, verbal abuse, role-play scenarios, sexist stereotypes—has
to demonstrate that he (or she) is not just extremely trustworthy,
TOAD, but extremely sensible. And when this guy shared his
interest in some pretty extreme kinks so early in the relationship
(“haven’t known him for too long”), your gut rightly told
you that this “nice, good-looking guy” wasn’t someone with
whom you would feel safe.
Because when he told you about his extreme kinks, TOAD, you
simply didn’t know him well enough to say to yourself, “Hey,
that’s some hardcore shit there—but he’s proved himself to
be a good person and I would feel safe doing this stuff with
him.” And not only didn’t you know him well enough to come
to that conclusion, he should’ve known that you didn’t
know him well enough to come to that conclusion.
By sharing his kinks too soon, TOAD, this seemingly nice guy
demonstrated poor judgment and worse impulse control. And
rock-solid judgment and gold-plated impulse control are the
first and second things we should look for in someone whose
sexual interests are way the fuck out there.
I don’t think he should’ve lied, TOAD, but he should have
had the common sense to kick the conversation down the road
or downplay without misrepresenting, i.e., instead of saying,
“I’m into dirty whores, rape scenarios, and gang bangs,” he
could have said, “I’m into experienced business women, some
intense role-play scenarios, and I’m intrigued by group sex
scenes with significant gender imbalances.” Then, after you
got to know each other a bit better, and after he had proved
himself to be a decent, trustworthy guy with rock-solid judgment
and gold-plated impulse control, he could’ve opened up a bit
more and given you a clearer picture of his kinks, and perhaps
done so without creeping you out.
I’m not saying that he’s a creep or an abuser or a wannabe
rapist—or that he’s not all of those things. Maybe he’s just
young and inexperienced and hasn’t learned how to talk about
his creepy kinks without creeping people out, TOAD, or maybe
the booze caused him to blurt out something he usually rolls
out with more finesse. It’s up to you whether you give him
a second chance—but make the next date a dry one, and if he
creeps you out, trust that gut of yours, make your excuses,
in my 30s, married, and bisexual. I have a problem with my
wife. She does not accept my bisexuality as “real.” While
it is true that I lean toward women, I definitely find some
men attractive, and I had some forms of sex with several men
before I got together with my wife. However, since I never
took it in the ass, she believes that I’m not really bisexual.
Furthermore, she gets embarrassed when we are with our gay
friends and tales of my man-on-man experiences come up. She
wants me not to talk about it at all. I’m not hitting on anyone,
or contemplating cheating on her with a man, or anything,
just talking about the past—or agreeing with her when she
says Clive Owen is totally hot.
Am I wrong to think that she is being kind of an asshole by
not accepting my sexuality? Or am I just being selfish in
not soothing her faithfulness fears?
Men But Loves Wife
. . . your wife refuses to believe that you’re bisexual because
you never got around to taking it in the ass. There’s a simple
way to solve that problem, LMBLW: Take it in the ass a couple
dozen times and present your wife with a lovely boxed set
of commemorative DVDs.
That would mean cheating on her, though, something you’re
not interested in doing and something she fears. I suppose
you could point out that women with straight husbands aren’t
exactly guaranteed an adultery-free ride. Sandra Bullock,
Jenny Sanford, and Elin Nordegren all married 100 percent
heterosexual men—at least so far as we know at press time—and
despite their husbands’ failure to take it in the ass (no
man’s perfect), all three women wound up on the cover of In
Touch, Us, and People.
But, while I think your wife is being a bit of an asshole
(and a lot in denial) by not accepting your bisexuality, LMBLW,
regaling your gay pals with tales of your man-on-man experiences
could annoy a spouse who was comfortable with your sexuality.
a “not-stereotypical-looking” lesbian who tends to be attracted
to other “not-stereotypical-looking” lesbians, I wish every
“single and looking” lesbian wore something that said so—like
the lesbian reader last week who was thinking about going
out in a “Single. Lesbian. Interested?” T-shirt. When I do
go out to the one lesbian bar in my city, people look at me
with that “What are you doing in our bar?” stare.
Me Your Status
are nearly twice as many gay-identified men out there as there
are lesbian-identified women. This fact alone is all the proof
we need that homosexuality isn’t a choice. Considering what
shits straight men can be—judging from my mail—surely more
women would choose homosexuality if they could.
Anyway, it seems to me that what single lesbians need—in addition
to dyke bars, Internet personal ads, women’s softball leagues,
and cat-food aisles in grocery stores (man, those lesbian/cat
jokes never get tired!)—is a secret sign. I’m thinking something
subtle, SMYS, not because I’m pro- closet, but because I’m
pro-tasteful. Message T-shirts? Never tasteful. And “Nobody
Knows My Girlfriend Is a Lesbian” T-shirts are very 1995 (and
highly unlikely to get a single girl a date).
Instead, maybe all lesbians everywhere should start wearing
a button. No words, just a solid color, something small and
tasteful that could be pinned to the strap of a purse (popular
with “not- stereotypical-looking” lesbians), the lapel of
a jacket, or the belt loop on a pair of jeans. Thinking outside
the lavender/pink/purple box, I think the button should be
green—green for “go,” green as in “Go ahead and hit on me,
ladies. I’m a lesbian.”
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.