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I’m
a 27-year-old gay man. I had a really great first couple of
dates with a guy, so for the third date I invited him to stay
over. I cooked a nice dinner, we watched a movie, and we had
a lovely time in bed together. In the morning, we had another
romp. At one point, he was rimming me, and unexpectedly, unintentionally,
I farted in his mouth a little. His reaction was along the
lines of “EW! EWWWW! EW!” Mine was along the lines of trying
to apologize through uncontrollable laughter. I said, “C’mere”
and pulled him in to kiss me, and we finished with what I
thought was minimal awkwardness.
Later in the day, to be cute, and even perhaps start a long-term
shared joke, I sent an e-card that read, “I’m sorry for farting
in your mouth.” I then left town for the weekend, and when
I got back I tried to get in touch with him. He sent the following
text message: “i’m not sure about this. yr a sweet guy but
i’m dating some other people . . . i just can’t have farts
in my mouth. i think i would have handled it a bit more respectfully.”
Is a sense of humor about the inevitable off-color moments
too much to expect? I mean, this was one strike you’re out,
not even a chance to talk it over. He dumped me over text,
for fuck’s sake! Good riddance, I suppose. But did I really
handle this wrong?
—Flatulent
Anilingus Result: Termination
You
handled this beautifully, FART—that’s why you got dumped via
text message.
They don’t cover this in sex ed, I realize, but the average
idiot knows there’s just one thing a person wants from someone
who’s just “unexpectedly” farted in his mouth, even just a
little, and it’s not an e-card. It’s a lengthy, abject, mortified,
immediate, and heartfelt apology. And after a rimmee farts—a
blessedly rare occurrence—it’s the rimmer’s response that
sets the tone for what comes next. Your guest was horrified
and disgusted. When you saw his reaction, FART, you needed
to take your emotional cues from him, make your apologies
and reassure him that it wasn’t intentional, and express genuine
remorse.
Instead, you laughed in his face, pulled him in for a kiss,
and sent him a flip e-card. Basically, you did everything
you could to give this guy the impression that you’re either
an inconsiderate asshole incapable of reading another person’s
emotional cues, FART, or that you may actually be into farts—or
worse—and that you intentionally farted in his mouth. I would’ve
dumped you, too.
Yes, a sense of humor about those off-color moments is not
too much to expect. But no relationship progresses to the
laughing-off-the-fart-in-your-mouth stage, FART, until after—long
after—you’ve demonstrated to the person you’re dating that
you’re a fundamentally decent, considerate person, worthy
of their time and affections.
Every so often, I have to fight the urge to contact
an ex-boyfriend from college. It didn’t end well (I cheated).
It’s been over a decade (more like 15 years) since we last
spoke. I’m happily married, have two children, and live in
a completely different part of the country now. Yet, I feel
sad that we don’t still know each other. The reasons for the
indiscretion are complicated and include, among other things,
stupidity and youth. (Also the fact that the indiscretion
involved a different ex-boyfriend who begged and pleaded for
one final hurrah—and then I told the then-current [now-ex]
boyfriend that it was forced, which it wasn’t, which the then-current
[now-ex] boyfriend rightly didn’t believe.)
I know my reasons are selfish: I want to explain myself, I
want to move on, I want to be forgiven. But if he wanted to
be in contact with me, he would be. And yet, like a crazed
idiot, I still hold out hope that someday he’ll contact me
or that we’ll bump into each other. Should I contact him?
—Can’t
Let Go
You
should suck it up, CLG.
It’s killing you that someone out there might hate your guts
(with cause), might think you’re scum (because you behaved
like scum), and, we can safely presume at this stage, is content
to have you out of his life (otherwise he would’ve looked
you up on Facebook by now). This bothers you because you’re
not scum, of course; no person is defined by the two worst
mistakes she ever made. (I’m referring to (1) cheating and
(2) making a false accusation of rape. What would’ve happened
if your then-current [now-ex] boyfriend had gone to the police?
Or taken the law into his own hands? Thank God your then-current
[now-ex] boyfriend didn’t believe you.)
I don’t think you should contact him, CLG, not until you’re
a little more interested in what you could give him (a long-overdue
apology) and a little less interested in what he could give
you (absolution).
My wife and I divorced three years ago. Six months ago,
I began seeing a good friend of my daughter’s. I knew this
was dangerous territory, but I really liked this girl. A month
ago, we decided to take our relationship public. My daughter
reacted poorly. She did not demand that we break up, but she
did let me know that our relationship made her uncomfortable.
And she was rightfully upset about some personal information
my girlfriend had told me about her.
During the past four weeks, my daughter has gradually edged
my girlfriend, formerly a close friend of hers, out of her
personal life. She has also begun to spend less time with
me. She tells me she does not want me to have to choose between
her and my girlfriend; although, if she stops spending time
with me, that’s exactly what she’s doing. I know she’s upset.
But I’m a grown man, and I just want to be happy. And in spite
of the age difference, my girlfriend makes me very happy.
What can I do to make my daughter more comfortable with my
new relationship?
—Father
Doesn’t Always Know Best
P.S.
The information my girlfriend shared about my daughter was
the name of a young man she was seeing and that my daughter
had recently purchased an expensive dress. My girlfriend hardly
told me that my daughter was doing something truly dangerous
or wrong.
It’s nice to know that your girlfriend manages to make you
happy “in spite of the age difference.” Too many late-middle-aged
men succumb to despair in the arms of their much-younger girlfriends.
Anyway . . .
What can you do to make your daughter comfortable with you
fucking her friend while her friend blabs to you? Nothing.
Your daughter may eventually become comfortable with your
relationship, FDAKB, but there’s nothing you can do to artificially
force up her comfort level. And while emotional blackmail—“My
girlfriend makes me happy, but I will sacrifice my happiness
for you, darling, if that’s what you want . . . ”—may result
in your daughter spending more time with you and your girlfriend
now, her resentment at being blackmailed will do irreparable
damage to your relationship with her over the long run.
So just shut the fuck up, Dad, stop whining, and continue
to enjoy the girlfriend in spite of the age difference. Then
go apologize to your daughter for (1) keeping the relationship
from her for so long (your daughter may be losing sleep over
things she told her friend before she found out you were fucking)
and (2) the invasion of her privacy that already took place.
Then give your daughter the space she needs and the privacy
she has a right to.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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