|
SAVAGE
LOVE
BY
DAN SAVAGE
One
of my best friends at college is gay. I’m a straight female
and I’m in a committed relationship with my own boyfriend.
We’re going to be sophomores in the fall, and I feel like
this is about the age where coming out to one’s parents is
in order. However, my friend’s parents are incredibly conservative.
His older brother is also gay—and when he came out, his parents
immediately cut off all funding for college and excommunicated
him from the family, so my friend is understandably terrified.
When his parents come into town to visit, I am sometimes asked
to tag along on “dates” with him to “meet the parents.” It’s
a free meal, so it’s mostly cool with me, but it feels a little
dirty to lie so blatantly to his mom and dad about how “in
love” we are.
Moreover, my friend is coming to my house in California this
summer. I had said I would love for him to come visit—as a
friend. But his parents think he’s going to be staying with
his girlfriend, and they’re thinking of tagging along so they
can finally meet their future in-laws, i.e., my parents. I
feel like this is getting way out of hand, and I’m not sure
what to do. My friend is also feeling more and more cornered.
How far should we take this act?
—I
Should Win An Oscar
When
you feel bad about lying, ISWAO, remind yourself that you’re
doing a good deed—you’re doing God’s work—every time you pass
yourself off as this boy’s girlfriend. Yes, you’re lying to
his mean-spirited, emotionally abusive parents, two complete
shits who deserve so much worse than simply being misled.
When they excommunicated their older son after he came out,
they essentially put their younger son, your friend, on notice:
The consequences of telling the truth would be severe. So
he lies to them because—for the time being—he must.
You should ask him to do three things to secure your continued
cooperation in this deception. First, he has to make a solemn
promise that he will come out to his parents the day after
he graduates. Second, he has to reach out to his excommunicated
brother and, if his brother can be trusted to keep his secret,
he has to come out to his brother. Third, he has to break
up with you at the end of the school year.
The course of true love never did run smooth, as someone or
other once said, so a painfully messy June breakup with his
college girlfriend—right before summer break!—not only makes
your friend’s Potemkin heterosexuality that much more credible,
it also gets you off the hook for this ill-advised summer
visit. Then when September rolls around, ISWAO, you two crazy
kids get back together. Repeat as necessary, i.e., be “on
again” every once in a while when his parents are in town,
be “off again” when your parents are in town, over summer
breaks, holidays, etc.
And help him look around for his next girlfriend—perhaps a
lesbian student with similarly batshit parents—because he
can’t expect you to be his beard for your entire college career.
I am a gay male teenager. I have not yet come out to
my parents (I plan to soon), but my friends know. I’m curious
why I relate more easily to my straight friends and am increasingly
uncomfortable with my gay friends. Specifically, I have a
lesbian friend who often makes jokes about “how gay I am.”
When she makes these statements, I am often offended. In your
opinion, are statements like that offensive (even considering
the source)? Or am I still uncomfortable with myself? I am
not shy, but I will admit that extreme campiness makes me
uncomfortable.
Your opinion on this matter would mean a lot to me.
—Lost
And Disillusioned
It’s
good to have a sense of humor about yourself, LAD, whether
you’re gay or straight or bi or whatever. Shrug off your lesbian
friend’s comments if they’re not funny, laugh along with her
if they are.
As for your preference for your straight friends: There are
a lot more openly straight kids in your life than there are
openly gay kids. That means you’re drawing your straight friends
from a much larger pool and you’re able to be more selective
about the straight people you hang out with. Right now, you
can’t afford to be as selective when it comes to gay friends
because (1) most gay kids your age aren’t out and (2) gays
and lesbians are a tiny percentage of the population and you
won’t meet lots of us until you get to one of those places
where gays and lesbians clump up, i.e., large universities
and big cities. Then you’ll be able to forge friendships with
gays and lesbians whom you have something in common with besides
your sexuality.
In the meantime, LAD, don’t write off all gays and lesbians
everywhere as potential friends just because the few you had
to choose from as a teenager weren’t among your best friends.
I need your help. I have entered into a period of my
life where I am devoting all my mental resources toward my
academics—grad school—and am not interested in dating. Thus,
I bought a Real Doll so that I may enjoy fantastic masturbation
during this loveless period of my life. Unfortunately, while
my parents were visiting, my mom discovered it and she reacted
very, very badly.
You see, my dear mother is a feminist.
She is very upset by the doll and believes that it is an indication
that I have lost all respect for women. I honestly do not
feel this is true at all. I view myself as a feminist, and
I realize this society sexually objectifies women. But I also
believe that I can masturbate with a rubber woman and have
wild fantasies and then come back to reality and have respect
for everyone—men, women, others. My mother, however, is extremely
upset, and we haven’t been able to have a civil conversation
since. I am hoping you can possibly give me some perspective
on this matter.
—Dolled
Up
My
perspective: Your masturbatory routines—including your masturbatory
aids/aides—are none of your mother’s fucking business. And
if your mother wants to be shocked by something, DU, it ought
to be that her son-the-grad-student had $5K to plunk down
on a sex toy.
Your options at this stage are pretty limited. You can apologize
to your mother and tell her what she wants to hear (“You’re
right, Mom, what was I thinking? I’m making an appointment
with a therapist now, Mom. I’m donating my Real Doll to sex-starved
grad students in Africa. . . . ”). Or you can tell your mother
to fuck off and butt out (“It’s my dick, Mom, and I’ll stick
it in whatever I want. You remember that ‘my body, my choice’
stuff, right?”).
That said, DU, your claim that you bought a Real Doll so you
could “enjoy fantastic masturbation during this loveless period
of my life” doesn’t quite pass the smell-of-day-old-spunk-moldering-in-the-lifeless-orifice-of-a-silicone-dummy
test. Most guys manage to tough out their loveless periods
with the help of the porn industry, their own right hand,
and real, live sex workers. And most guys who opt for insanely
expensive, life-size, hard-to-hide sex dolls do have
issues with women—most are plagued by feelings of inadequacy,
not superiority—so you may want to entertain the possibility
that your mother might be right.
But even if you do have issues with women—and that’s still
an if—they’re still none of your mother’s fucking business.
mail@savagelove.net
Find the Savage Lovecast every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
|
Site
Search 
