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A
Devilish Dilemma
‘Thank
you for calling Hell, how may I direct your call?”
“Let
me speak to the boss. It’s his agent, returning his message.”
“Hold,
please.”
“I’m
a blonde single girl in the fantasy world/Dress me up, take
your time, I’m your dollie . . . ”
“Still,
with that hold music . . . for Christ’s . . . ”
“This
is Satan.”
“Nicky,
my man! How’s it hanging? Look, I’m sorry it took me so long
to get back to you . . . ”
“Benny?
It that Benny? It is Benny, right? Or was it Barney? Forgive
me, it’s just that it’s been so long, and I’m getting forgetful
in my old age.”
“I
know, I know. Look, it’s a busy time of year. I’m sorry. But
when I heard your last message, I called right away. You sounded
like you were having a breakdown, or something.”
“Yes,
Benny. I am. I am freaking out! I feel like I’m losing my
mind!”
“Hey,
hey, don’t get your tail in a twist. What’s the matter?”
“The
matter? What’s the matter, he asks, my agent. Um, just the
little matter of total irrelevance! Of the end of a career!”
“What
are you talking about? Your career is fine. You’re a legend.”
“Benny,
the Loch Ness monster is a legend. The Clara Bow-USC Football
Team sex 78 is a legend. Heterosexual movie actors are a legend.
I don’t want to be a legend. I want work. Do you know how
many channels we get down here?”
“Uh,
last I knew? Just that one, the one that alternates Touched
by an Angel and Driver’s Ed. film loops.”
“No,
not on the floor. I mean in the administrative offices. I
get all of them, Benny. Every last one. And when I surf, Benny,
what do I see? I see Tony Hayward, Tony Hayward, Tony Hayward.
I’m the Prince of freaking Darkness, Benny.”
“Well,
yeah, but, you know, he was pretty irresponsible . . .”
“Irresponsible?!
Seriously? Irresponsible? I’m the Devil! Not a devil. The
Devil.”
“Be
fair, Nick. Have you seen the footage of the spill? It’s really
alarming.”
“I
think you are missing the point. He’s a geologist!!
And if it’s not him it’s that Jesse James! A bike mechanic,
who likes sexually aggressive, tattooed women. You don’t say.
Really? What in the name of my game room is going on up there?!”
“Well,
I mean, she’s America’s sweetheart, Nick. Did you see The
Blind Side?”
“Of
course I saw The Blind Side! We all saw The Blind
Side! I thought it was her best work to date, but that’s
not the point! These bush-league dweebs are getting my press!
“I
swear, every year it gets worse. Back when it was guys like
Amin, Duvalier, and so on, I didn’t mind sharing some. We
were all on the same team, and they had style. But these guys
. . . Facebook apologies? Rehab? What kind of evil is that?
“Or
these Ponzi-scheme clowns. They’re like the Amway salesmen
of sin. I’m hardly even looking forward to getting my hands
on Madoff, you know? It’s really affecting my mood.
“Benny,
when did it go wrong? Maybe I shouldn’t have let Kissinger
and McNamara wear suits? Too stuffy? Too bland? I thought
the flamboyance of my Hollywood crew would balance it out,
though. But the pencil pushers are evading blame and the celebrities
are . . . they’re . . . confessing and, and, repenting! It’s
a complete renunciation of my work. If I could get my hands
on that Oprah Winfrey. . . .”
“Nick,
I don’t think you wanna go there.”
“All
right, I know. I’m just upset.
“Don’t
tell her I said that, OK?
“Look,
you’ve got to get me out there. I need better visibility.
You know, I was gonna start a Twitter, but some idiot already
took @satan. Can you believe that? Is that even legal?”
“I’ll
have the lawyers look into it. And the very fact that someone
grabbed it proves my point: You’re a vital brand! You’re the
original, the go-to guy. The Original Go-To-Hell Guy. Hey,
we should copyright that. In any event, we can probably get
you @realsatan.”
“I
guess . . . ”
“You
guess, nothing! You the cloven-hooved man, dog! Say it!”
“I’m
the cloven-hooved man.”
“Damn
straight. Now, you feel a little better? ‘Cause it just so
happens I might have something for you.”
“You
do?”
“Are
you sitting?”
“Is
it high-visibility?”
“The
highest.”
“It’s
not another Tarantino audition, is it? That guy makes me nervous.”
“Look,
you’ll get the call back, just be patient. But this is even
better. Something’s opening up that I think you’d be perfect
for. Just one quick question: How would you feel working with
Seacrest again?”
—John
Rodat
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