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SAVAGE
LOVE
BY
DAN SAVAGE
My
friend is a gay-identified FTM. He’s hot, he’s cute, and above
the waist, you would never guess what he’s got down below.
We love to kiss and cuddle, and from my end, his blowjobs
are great. The problem is that I have no idea how to reciprocate.
He isn’t into anal (why would he be, without a prostate?),
there’s no cock for me to suck, and what he does have down
below doesn’t interest either of us.
Do you have any ideas on how I could turn him on and get him
off? It’s starting to frustrate me. Getting bottom work done
is a long way off with the current finances.
—Sent
From The Savage Love App For iPhone
“Your
FTM partner has to become comfortable with his own body before
you can attempt to satisfy him sexually,” says Buck Angel,
transsexual FTM porn star, aka “the man with a pussy.”
“Your
partner will need to share with you what his needs are,” says
Buck. “Nobody should be expected to guess at what his partner
wants. Communication is important, regardless of gender or
sexuality.”
I agree 100 percent with Buck—what he said, as they say—but
rereading your letter, SFTSLAFI, I’m thinking there’s a chance
your FTM partner is comfortable with his body but he’s
painfully aware that you are not. Up to a certain point,
that’s understandable: You’re a gay guy, not a bi guy; pussy
isn’t your thing, etc. But there’s a point at which your aversion
to pussy—his pussy—becomes unacceptable.
And you know what? If you’re accepting regular blowjobs from
this guy, SFTSLAFI, then you’re well past that point.
Maybe it would help if you didn’t think of his pussy as pussy.
All fetuses start out as girls—you were a girl once, SFTSLAFI—until
the process of sex differentiation kicks in and “masculinizing
hormones,” if they’re present, turn little girl fetuses into
little boy fetuses, and little fetal pussies into little fetal
cocks. So you know what your FTM boyfriend has down there?
Pretty much all the same stuff you do. His clit is
analogous to the head of your cock, and his clit has a shaft
just like your cock does. He has ovaries for balls and a clitoral
hood for a foreskin, and he’s got a piss slit down there somewhere,
too.
Think of his pussy as a cock that’s still in the box it came
in. It’s like a cock you got at Ikea—there’s some assembly
required, SFTSLAFI, but you can assemble it only in your imagination.
Back to Buck: “Maybe you two should start playing with that
part of his body together,” says Buck. “Perhaps you can try
out some fun sex toys. Or maybe he can masturbate for you,
and you will find that hot and want to jump in.”
What’s really important, though, is convincing your FTM boyfriend
that you’re not going to freak out when you see him or touch
him.
“That
fear is why so many FTM guys have a problem dealing with their
genitals,” says Buck. “They are afraid of what other people
will think or how they’ll react. Once you make him feel safe,
then I would almost bet that your sex life will explode.
“Also,
just because he doesn’t have a prostate, that isn’t the reason
he doesn’t like anal,” continues Buck. “I know lots of FTM
guys and women who love anal sex. In fact, many FTMs
are into anal and don’t even want vaginal sex.”
You can check out Buck—you can check out all of Buck—at
buckangel.com, where you can also order his porn, which you
might find helpful, SFTSLAFI.
“These
guys should watch a Buck Angel film while having sex,” says
Buck. “It’ll show him the way some FTMs like to get off and
might make him see how hot having sex with an FTM is!”
I’m
a straight girl who hates all the slang terms for vagina.
Cunt, twat, pussy—first’s too vulgar, second’s too awful,
third’s too cute. And vajayjay? Too stupid. All the best sex-organ
slang is reserved for men. It makes me sad.
—Sent
From My iPod
Let’s
just call ’em all cock then, shall we? Your pussy, SFTSLAFI’s
boyfriend’s pussy, Buck’s pussy—they’re all cocks in the boxes
they came in.
I’m a 26-year-old FTM who is interested in seeing what
sex with gay men is like. Although I have identified as heterosexual
in the past, I do find something appealing in the idea of
being appreciated sexually as a man by men who like men. I’m
attractive, fit, over average height for a man, and passable—although
I am quite slim and look like I’m about 17. I know that gay
men find me attractive. I’m often cruised, and men have told
me that I am good-looking and have expressed interest in me.
In these situations, I’m usually not out as a tranny.
I have a few hesitations, however. I’ve never had sex with
a man. I don’t know what would be expected of me with the
anatomy I’ve got. I’m worried that those interested in me
would see me as a bottom, which simply isn’t the case.
Another worry is appearing so young. I take myself seriously
intellectually—presently, I am thriving in medical school—and
would like others to do the same. And all these worries presuppose
that there are decent men out there who’d even be interested
in my body in a respectful way.
Can you, as a gay man, tell me anything about the gay male
community? I’d be grateful.
—Curious
About Gay Encounters, Yep
The
gay male community in a nutshell: There are some good guys
out there, some OK guys, and lots and lots of assholes—pretty
much the same as any other community—and there are definitely
gay guys out there willing to go there with a cute FTM. (See
the first letter in today’s column; also, see all the guys
who’ve banged Buck in his movies.) To separate the good gays
from the bad gays, CAGEY, you’ll have to use your best judgment,
the same common sense and bullshit detectors you use with
anyone else; to separate the gay guys who would be up for
sleeping with a trans man, all you have to do is be up-front
about who you are and what you’re after with the men who cruise
you.
As for your youthful appearance: There will be some “good”
guys who’ll cruise you and feel terrible about it—meaning,
they’ll find you attractive and think, “No, no, no. He’s way
too young.” These guys will be hugely relieved when they learn
you’re actually a 26-year-old med student.
Finally, CAGEY, don’t concern yourself with expectations.
Just be open and honest about what you’ve got, equipment-wise,
and what you’re interested in exploring, gay-wise. Not a bottom?
Just say so. It’ll scare off the guys who want to top you,
of course, but you don’t want to sleep with them anyway.
I promise you that some of the gay guys who cruise you will
be psyched to bottom for you—I’m assuming that you, a hetero-identified
man up to now, already own at least one strap-on, right?—because
it’ll be easier for them to deal with what you’ve got down
there if you’re strapping on something they’re used to.
My current boyfriend lets me blow him but refuses to go
down on me. I miss oral sex!
—Missing
Oral Undulations That Hornify
If
he won’t eat your pussy, MOUTH, make him suck your cock.
mail@savagelove.net
Find the Savage Lovecast every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
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