am a married white guy in my 50s. My wife and I do some role-playing
where I am “Ted,” her real-life father. In her script, I yell
at my “bad daughter” (my wife) over some infraction and send
her to her room. Later on, I sneak in and tell her that she
could “make Daddy very happy” if we were to do some “secret,
special things” together. I usually end up fingering her still-virginal
butt while “forcing” her to suck my dick. Then I roll her
over and rape the hell out of her.
I’m being GGG, and she absolutely gets off on it. We’ve done
this scene a few times, with increasing frequency, following
her script every time. I do have some concerns, Dan: (1) It’s
creepy, and (2) I’m worried that this might all be “based
on a true story.”
What to do? Keep a good thing going or confront her about
her father? I’m going to feel like an idiot if it’s all just
a harmless fantasy.
if it is based on a true story?
Let’s suppose your wife was raped by her actual father and—after
years of processing the abuse and the trauma—she emerged happy
and healthy and stable, but . . . saddled with an all-consuming,
high-creep-quotient incest-role-play fetish. Your wife isn’t
alone: A small handful of rape victims develop fantasies about
rape role-play scenarios, an even smaller number of Holocaust
survivors developed Nazi role-play fantasies.
Sometimes our erotic imaginations are as inexplicable as they
Now let’s suppose that your wife is healthy enough emotionally
and sexually to safely explore these deeply creepy
fantasies—because now she’s in complete control, because
now she’s with someone she loves and trusts—and that
she isn’t traumatized by reenacting these deeply creepy scenes
from her childhood. Shouldn’t she have just as much a right
to enjoy and explore her sexuality as any other person, CF,
regardless of the forces that shaped it?
I’d say the answer to that question is yes.
All that said, CF, you have a right to ask pointed questions—particularly
if “Ted” is still alive and you have to sit next to him at
Thanksgiving—and she has a responsibility to come through
with detailed, honest answers. You’re not some casual up-for-anything
stranger your wife recruited online. You’re her husband,
and you have a right to know just what sort of land mines
you’re stomping on or around, even if your wife considers
them defused and harmless. Because there are huge potential
consequences for you—emotional and sexual—if your wife
is being traumatized by the role-play games she’s asked you
to participate in.
And, finally, here’s hoping it’s all just a fantasy and that
your wife wasn’t raped by her father, CF, although that isn’t
going to make her fantasies any less creepy or Thanksgiving
dinner with Ted any less awkward.
a 23-year-old, single gay man. One of my siblings (with whom
I was close) passed away about a month ago. I want to start
dating again, but I’m not sure how to tell if I am or when
I will be ready. I don’t want to be unloading my issues on
potential first dates (that’s why I’m starting to see a therapist),
but during the getting-to-know-you small talk, siblings always
seem to come up. How do I handle this without seeming unmoved
by my sibling’s death and without scaring off the other guy?
To Move Forward
you don’t want to burden a potential new boyfriend (PNB) with
the full weight of your grief, TTMF, the only PNBs you’ll
scare off by mentioning your grief are PNBs with empty lube
bottles where their hearts should be—that is, PNBs with no
potential, PNBs you should be anxious to be rid of.
So when the sibling talk comes up, TTMF, mention your recently
deceased sibling, accept your PNB’s condolences, and then
change the subject. What that communicates about you,
PNB-wise, is this: You’ve been touched by grief recently,
but you’re not paralyzed by it, and you’re ready to date.
And I’m so sorry for your loss, TTMF.
help me. I can no longer stand the thought of having sex with
my fiancé. He’s a great guy—very kind and good. The problem
is the sounds he makes during sex. Little whiny girl sounds.
Like, not even woman sounds—which, being attracted to men,
would be a big enough problem for me. No, he makes noises
like a tiny little baby kitten girl. It has gotten really
bad. I avoid sex (we usually don’t even sleep in the same
bed, although we live together). When we do have sex, I spend
the first half dreading the moment the girlie sighs start
and the second half trying to ignore them. So, basically,
I’m checked out for both halves—which he notices and obviously
I know this sounds trivial, and it wasn’t such a big problem
for the first year of our relationship. But it has grown from
small annoyance to giant grating huge turnoff. I don’t know
how to tell him to stop. I have brought it up before, but
it sounds so stupid, and then he gets self-conscious and I
feel bad. I can’t marry him under these circumstances, though.
What do I do?
great and good fiancé deserves the truth. And come on, EP,
what do you think is going to make him feel worse: you leveling
with him about the damage his tiny little baby kitten girl
sounds (TLBKGS) are doing—to his sex life, to his relationship—or
you calling off the marriage because you just can’t fuck him
Here’s what you need to do: Tell the fiancé again, calmly
but firmly, that the TLBKGS are a huge turnoff. It’ll hurt
to hear, for sure, but he’ll hurt worse if you let the TLBKGS
destroy your marriage before it starts. Then the next time
you’re fucking him and he starts to make TLBKGS, stop everything.
Don’t pull away from him physically, don’t push him off you,
don’t scowl or grimace or roll your eyes. Just stop whatever
it is you’re doing and say in a flat, nonsexy, nonaccusatory
tone, “That sound you’re making is a huge turnoff. It kills
sex for me.” Wait for an appropriate response—“Oh, I’m sorry,
I’ll stop”—and then immediately pick up where you left off.
Repeat as necessary until the TLBKGS are an unpleasant memory.
I’ve seen this approach work—call it the “full stop”—on biters,
screamers, scratchers, and gratuitous-mid-fuck-ass-spankers.
It’ll work on tiny little baby kitten girl sounds, too.
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