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The
Mundane Muse
Thank
you, all, ladies and gen tlemen, for tuning in to the first
annual webcast of the Jandeks. The only award show that I’m
Responsible For ™.
We are gathered here in beautiful—or useful, anyway—Maytag
Hall. That is, I am sitting on a foldable step-stool with
my laptop on the washing machine at 6 in the morning before
work.
I don’t know what you’re doing. It’s really none of my business.
Today—well, for the next 40 minutes, or so, before I’ve got
to get the kids up and ready for school—we honor those creative
souls with more important things to do than become household
names.
In the words of Australian rockers AC/DC, “It’s a long way
to the top if you want to rock & roll.” And in the words
of Gareth Pank, CPA, and rhythm guitarist for the Every Other
Tuesday Rec Room Rokkers, “One more run through ‘Breaking
the Law,’ then I’ve got to get home to help Ellen with bedtime.”
Yes, the muses are demanding; and true dedication to craft
is an all- consuming thing. To honor your muse, to truly cultivate
your craft, one must be singular of purpose, one must honor
the art above all else. One must be willing to make great
sacrifices—of oneself and others. This can be a torturous
decision.
Unless you are, by nature, a selfish prick, a narcissist,
a sociopath and/or a needy egomaniac. In which case, it’s
pretty simple. So, you know, cheers. But that crowd’s already
got their celebrations and symbols. Whether it’s the literal
awards handed out in self- congratualory and opulent gatherings
of the famous, or merely the warm feeling of superiority afforded
by the “marginalization” of the non-conformist artist in a
society of shlubs and squares.
These, on the other hand, are the awards for just those folks,
the shlubs, the squares, the hobbyists, the has-beens, the
hardly weres, the enthusiasts, the dilettantes: My peeps!
In our first category, we recognize efforts made in the literary
arts, fiction: And the award goes to . . . Keith O’ Connell,
a geologist with the Department of Environmental Conservation,
little-league coach, husband, and father of two boys. Keith’s
unfinished novel Long Road might well be described
as a “soul kiss to a half-remembered American frontier, populated
by angel-headed hipsters, drop outs, cut-ups and con artists,”
if he could get it out of the desk drawer and past
the 56th page. (Recently, his boy Cassady pitched his best
game ever, allowing only two hits. The family celebrated at
Red Robin.)
Next up, our award for the visual, graphic and/or illustrative
arts. This one goes to Lucy Porter, an 11th- grader at Taconic
Hills High School, whose Photoshop collages of her parents
into scenes from Japanese monster movies make her younger
sister, 8-year-old Noelle, giggle till she pees. (Lucy says
she’d like to study fashion design in college; Noelle says
she’d like to, also, or be on Disney Channel.)
In music, our award goes to Marnie Campbell, proprietor of
Toot Sweet bakery, whose cover of “I Am So Into You”—the Shudder
to Think version—absolutely destroyed at her second open mic
performance, ever. (Immediately after the performance, Marnie
said she was thinking of adding a Sugar to Think cupcake to
the cases, but also wondered if the adrenaline was making
her babble.)
Recognition for accomplishment in filmmaking goes to Jacqueline
Forche, recently retired from the post office, who has signed
up for an iMovie tutorial.
And now on to one of our most prestigious, which is to say,
another, award: The restraint award. Today’s restraint award
goes to Kyle Popper, who thought to—but did not—contribute
to a meme involving Leonardo DiCaprio, Xzibit and a crudely
drawn face uttering a profanity. Kyle, and three friends,
instead, went to the trestle with a duffle of spray cans and
practiced tagging. (Kyle has not yet decided to go with “Pop”
or Wyld Skyle,” but he’s no longer mad at his friends for
suggesting “KFag.”)
Today’s lifetime achievement award goes to Elizabeth Barrett
Smoot. You probably don’t know her.
Oops, folks, you hear that? That sound means I’ve got to wrap
it up. It’s the Hello Kitty alarm clock. Gotta run. We’ll
be back here again, sometime. Keep an eye out and feel free
to send in any tips. Nominate someone you know doing interesting
stuff. Nominate yourself.
Or don’t. We know you’re busy.
—John
Rodat
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