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BY
DAN SAVAGE
I’m a gay male and have been seeing a terrific guy for
a couple of months. Two years ago, during an uncharacteristically
wild few months in my life, I had a threesome with a couple,
and as it turns out, my boyfriend is very good friends with
them. We see them socially and have even all had dinner together.
Nothing has been mentioned by anyone, and I’ve never told
my BF. I feel guilty—not because I slept with his friends,
but rather because a threesome is inconsistent with his perception
of me. I don’t view threesomes as morally wrong, but I’m worried
he does. Should I tell him?
—Threesome
Complications
Yes,
TC, you should tell him.
He’s going to find out eventually—this isn’t the kind of secret
that keeps—and the revelation will be much more damaging if
he finds out about it from the couple or from a malicious
third (fourth?) party. And while a threesome may be inconsistent
with his current impression of you, TC, that’s something he
might be able to get over. He’s much less likely to get over
the realization that you were keeping this secret from him
or that you’re so stupid as to think that this kind of secret
can be kept.
And why are you so sure he would have a problem with it? Right
now he’s operating under the assumption that his boyfriend
isn’t the sort of guy who has threesomes. And you’re operating
under the assumption that your boyfriend thinks threesomes
are morally wrong. We know that his assumptions about you
are wrong—you are the sort of person who has threesomes—so
it stands to reason that your assumptions about him could
be wrong. He may not have any problem with threesomes. Or
foursomes.
At a certain point in a new relationship, we have to bring
our new partner’s perceptions of who we are in line with who
we actually are. You’re the kind of person who can have a
threesome and remain on good terms with the couple involved,
TC, and that’s a selling point, something in your favor, and
nothing you should be ashamed of. If your boyfriend regards
these facts about you—can have a threesome, can remain on
good terms—as negatives, well, then you need to DTMFA.
The
time has come for you to use your influence to pick a day
between now and the November election, and declare it Masturbate
to Christine O’Donnell Day in either the state of Delaware
or the entire United States of America. This needs to happen,
and you’re the only guy who can do it.
—Hiding
At The Elusive Fuzz Under Christine’s Knockers
For
Savage Love readers who don’t read anything else: Christine
O’Donnell is the Tea Party wacko who won the Republican nomination
for a U.S. Senate seat in Delaware. She is famous for three
things: getting her loony ass endorsed by Sarah Palin, viciously
gay-baiting her straight primary opponent, and opposing masturbation
because it makes the baby Jesus cry.
I’m all for masturbating to Christine O’Donnell, HATEFUCK,
but why limit it to one day? So I hereby declare every day
between now and November 2—when O’Donnell’s nomination costs
the GOP a Senate seat—to be Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell
Day. Rub one out for freedom, people!
I
just read about a gay teenager in Indiana—Billy Lucas—who
killed himself after being taunted by his classmates. Now
his Facebook memorial page is being defaced by people posting
homophobic comments. It’s just heartbreaking and sickening.
What the hell can we do?
—Gay
Bullying Victim Who Survived
Another
gay teenager in another small town has killed himself—hope
you’re pleased with yourselves, Tony Perkins and all the other
“Christians” out there who oppose anti-bullying programs (and
give actual Christians a bad name).
Billy Lucas was just 15 when he hanged himself in a barn on
his grandmother’s property. He reportedly endured intense
bullying at the hands of his classmates—classmates who called
him a fag and told him to kill himself. His mother found his
body.
Nine out of 10 gay teenagers experience bullying and harassment
at school, and gay teens are four times likelier to attempt
suicide. Many LGBT kids who do kill themselves live in rural
areas, exurbs, and suburban areas, places with no gay organizations
or services for queer kids.
“My
heart breaks for the pain and torment you went through, Billy
Lucas,” a reader wrote after I posted about Billy Lucas to
my blog. “I wish I could have told you that things get better.”
I had the same reaction: I wish I could have talked to this
kid for five minutes. I wish I could have told Billy that
it gets better. I wish I could have told him that, however
bad things were, however isolated and alone he was, it gets
better.
But gay adults aren’t allowed to talk to these kids. Schools
and churches don’t bring us in to talk to teenagers who are
being bullied. Many of these kids have homophobic parents
who believe that they can prevent their gay children from
growing up to be gay—or from ever coming out—by depriving
them of information, resources, and positive role models.
Why are we waiting for permission to talk to these kids? We
have the ability to talk directly to them right now. We don’t
have to wait for permission to let them know that it gets
better. We can reach these kids.
So here’s what you can do, GBVWS: Make a video. Tell them
it gets better.
I’ve launched a channel on YouTube—youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject—to
host these videos. My normally camera-shy husband and I already
posted one. We both went to Christian schools and we were
both bullied—he had it a lot worse than I did—and we are living
proof that it gets better. We don’t dwell too much on the
past. Instead, we talk mostly about all the meaningful things
in our lives now—our families, our friends (gay and straight),
the places we’ve gone and things we’ve experienced—that we
would’ve missed out on if we’d killed ourselves then.
“You
gotta give ’em hope,” Harvey Milk said.
Today we have the power to give these kids hope. We have the
tools to reach out to them and tell our stories and let them
know that it does get better. Online support groups are great,
GLSEN does amazing work, the Trevor Project is invaluable.
But many LGBT youth can’t picture what their lives might be
like as openly gay adults. They can’t imagine a future for
themselves. So let’s show them what our lives are like, let’s
show them what the future may hold in store for them.
The video my husband and I made is up now—all by itself. I’d
like to add submissions from other gay and lesbian adults—singles
and couples, with kids or without, established in careers
or just starting out, urban and rural, of all races and religious
backgrounds. (Go to youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject to find
instructions for submitting your video.) If you’re gay or
lesbian or bi or trans and you’ve ever read about a kid like
Billy Lucas and thought, “Fuck, I wish I could’ve told him
that it gets better,” this is your chance. We can’t help Billy,
but there are lots of other Billys out there—other despairing
LGBT kids who are being bullied and harassed, kids who don’t
think they have a future—and we can help them.
They need to know that it gets better. Submit a video. Give
them hope.
mail@savagelove.net
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) at thestranger.com/savage.
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