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BY
DAN SAVAGE
My
husband has a cuckold fetish, which we have indulged through
two drunken threesomes with two of his best friends. The first
time, he really had to talk me into it. The second time, he
steered me in that direction and I took the wheel. I now have
had sex alone with Friend Two a few times. My husband was
OK with it at first, but now he wants it to stop. I like the
control he gave me, and now I don’t want to be told no. He
opened the door, and I don’t want to close it. What do I do?
—Not
Ready To Stop
You
close the damn door and you let your husband see that it’s
closed. You tell him that you’d rather the door were still
open, NRTS, but you assure him that it’s closed for now and
will remain closed until he’s ready to open it again.
That’s pretty much the only way you can have your husband
and, at some point down the road, “the control he gave you”
too, i.e., his consent to fuck around with other men. Then
you’ll be able to open the door to a threesome again, this
time without a booze assist. Although it might take him longer
to get comfortable with the idea of you seeing other guys
alone, which seems to have triggered the wrong kind of anxiety,
i.e., anxiety of the non-boner-inducing variety, which is
not what emotionally safe and sane cuckolding is all about.
Trust me, NRTS: Your husband is still into cuckolding. That’s
not a kink that evaporates after one or two drunken threesomes.
He’s probably just a little spooked by how quickly you progressed
from having to be talked into it to having to be talked out
of it. A time-out will give him a chance to see—and give you
a chance to demonstrate—that he is still your first priority,
emotionally and sexually.
Which he still is, right?
I am a 23-year-old lesbian with a beautiful girlfriend whom
I met a month ago. Here’s the problem: She screams so loudly
throughout sex that I am concerned for my roommate and other
people who live in our building, as well as the entire neighborhood.
I would know how to handle this situation if she were completely
mute during sex—draw her out, make it into a game, etc.—but
I’m scared of telling her she’s too loud, because I don’t
want to hamper her enjoyment. I even tried to make this into
a role-play game where we would pretend we needed to be silent
for some reason, but nothing makes a difference.
How can I approach this without making her self-conscious?
—Lesbian
Over Ungodly Din
You
don’t want to make her self-conscious, and that’s a lovely
impulse, but she’s making you self-conscious, LOUD, and you’re
just going to have to risk making her self- conscious. Because
we’re not talking about a few loud yelps or screams at the
climax(es) of the act(s), which is something a roommate or
a neighbor can reasonably be expected to endure, but caterwauling
throughout. That’s not OK. Tell the new girlfriend that the
yelling wouldn’t be a problem if you lived on 200 acres of
land, but you live in an apartment building, in the city,
and you have a roommate and neighbors.
Under those circumstances, you have a right to ask her to
stifle herself. And if she reacts badly, or if she sulks like
a child, then she’s obviously not mature enough to waste your
valuable time (and tongue) on.
How come when I look up the history of the T-shirt on
Wikipedia, there’s a picture of you? Are you aware of this?
—Jewdizzle
I
invented the T-shirt, and every time one is sold—even one
with rapper 50 Cent on it—I get a royalty check. That’s why
I don’t have to have a real job and can devote my time to
answering questions from cuckolds’ wives, lesbians, and people
interested enough in the history of the T-shirt to read the
Wikipedia entry about it.
I want to thank you for the It Gets Better Project.
My son is 14 and a sophomore in high school in rural Kentucky.
He isn’t athletic. He isn’t religious. He isn’t in ROTC. He
is constantly being called “gay” or “faggot,” oftentimes by
the people he thought were his friends. He tries to ignore
them, but it doesn’t stop them. He tries to debate them, but
it doesn’t stop them. So far, it hasn’t gone beyond name-calling,
but I worry. I showed him your site the day it went live.
He sat down and watched the video that you and Terry put up.
Since then, I have seen him checking the site out on his own.
I don’t know if he is gay, but I do know that your message
has touched him. Although he does confide that four years
is still a long time to wait for things to get better, I think
that seeing so many other people say the same thing holds
much more weight than having his mother tell him. So thank
you again for sharing.
—A
Concerned Mom
In
the last two weeks, we’ve learned of five more teenagers who
were being bullied and took their own lives: Cody Barker,
age 17, of Shiocton, Wis.; Asher Brown, age 13, of Houston,
Texas; Seth Walsh, age 13, of Tehachapi, Calif.; Tyler Clementi,
age 18, the Rutgers University student who jumped off the
George Washington Bridge; and Raymond Chase, age 19, a student
in Providence, R.I. Their deaths come after the suicides of
Justin Aaberg, age 15, of Anoka, Minn., and Billy Lucas, age
15, of Greensburg, Ind.
Hundreds of LGBT people all over the world have uploaded videos
to the It Gets Better Project’s YouTube channel in an effort
to bring hope to kids who are being bullied because they are
gay or perceived to be gay. People are sharing their stories
and letting these kids know that it gets better. By
the time you read this, the videos at the IGBP will have been
viewed, collectively, more than a million times. Go to itgetsbetterproject.com
to see the videos or to upload one of your own.
Four years is a long time to wait, ACM, and what about
making things better right now? Gay, lesbian, bi, and trans
activists, inspired by the IGBP, have launched the Make It
Better Project. Events are planned for all over the country
between now and October 11, which is National Coming Out Day,
to raise awareness of the problem and to push for legislative
action now, like the immediate passage of the Safe Schools
Improvement Act and the Student Non-Discrimination Act. You
can learn more about events in your community—and how you
can help to make it better now—at makeitbetterproject.com.
mail@savagelove.net
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) at thestranger.com/savage
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