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BY
DAN SAVAGE
My
husband and I have had an open marriage for the last two years.
Up until five months ago, it was working beautifully. At that
point, however, I was sexually assaulted by a former partner.
Since that incident, I cannot stand sex with my husband. I
completely flip out when he tries to initiate sexual contact.
My skin crawls. I become panicked and feel repulsed. I just
cannot handle it. Those times when I go along with it anyway
leave me feeling enraged and disgusted.
I don’t think this is completely unheard of for someone who
was relatively recently assaulted, and I am considering therapy
to help me work through it. The immediate “problem” is that
I have no difficulty having sex with my boyfriend. In fact,
the sex with him is amazing and leaves me feeling loved and
whole and wonderful.
This is breaking my husband’s heart. He has become incredibly
jealous of my relationship with my boyfriend. He’s depressed.
He’s angry. He accuses me of no longer loving him, and he
wants me to stop sleeping with my boyfriend until our marriage
is back to normal. I feel like a horrible person, but I just
can’t do that. I need that outlet. I need that support. And
I admit I have a hard time believing that my husband and I
will ever be able to go back to the way things were before.
I feel like I’ve already lost my former partner (fucked-up
though that may seem) and my husband. It kills me to think
about cutting out the one positive relationship remaining.
On the other hand, I do love my husband—very much—and watching
him suffer like this is unbearable.
—Potentially
Traumatized Sexual Deviant
I’m
sorry that you were sexually assaulted—that’s awful, PTSD,
and I hope you went to the police and I hope you’re pressing
charges. But I also hope you know that being the victim of
sexual assault is not a Get Out of Being a Human Being Free
card.
Just because you’ve been victimized doesn’t mean you operate
in an alternate moral universe where you’re not obligated
to take other people’s feelings into consideration—particularly
the feelings of people you profess to love and happen to be
married to. Your first priority in the wake of your assault
had to be your own physical and emotional safety, of course,
but your behavior toward your husband is both cruel and selfish.
If you truly loved your husband and valued your marriage,
PTSD, you would’ve put the boyfriend on hold and gotten your
ass into therapy without having to be told. So from where
I sit—on the Bloomington Shuttle, headed to the Indianapolis
airport—it looks to me like you want out of this marriage.
But instead of taking responsibility for wanting out—not in
love with the husband anymore—you’re playing the victim card
while slamming both hands down on your marriage’s self-destruct
button.
To sum up, PTSD: You’re being a total shit. Do you
love your husband? Is your marriage a priority? Then start
acting like it: Cut the boyfriend off—for the indefinite future—and
get your ass onto a counselor’s couch. If you’re not willing
to do those things, PTSD, then stop emotionally assaulting
your husband and put both your marriage and him out of their
misery.
I have two clits. How common is this? I have never been
able to ride a bike because I have an earthshaking orgasm
as soon as I get on the seat. I come on the bus—the soft vibrations
are too much! Walking anywhere in tight pants gets me moaning.
Is there anything I can do, or rub on myself, to avoid having
multiple orgasms in public?
—Two
Much Fun
I’ve
never heard of someone with two clits—but I haven’t searched
the medical literature or sought the opinion of an expert.
And I’m not inclined to search or seek when a letter is so
transparently fake. (Opaque fakes are fine; every letter that
makes it into the column is a good hypothetical question—for
every reader save one.) People whose genitals are different
or ambiguous or terrifying—maybe that’s not an extra clit
but the tip of your parasitic twin’s nose—frequently
have questions and concerns, TMF, but multiple earthshaking
orgasms aren’t high on the list.
You don’t have a single clit, TMF, much less two. You’re a
horny boy with a dick, an e-mail account, and an obsession
with/terror of a woman’s potential capacity for unlimited
sexual pleasure. And I’m hoping—I’m hoping against hope—that
seeing your letter in print isn’t your peak sexual experience.
But odds are . . .
I am a 47-year-old gay man who has a desire to be humiliated
and degraded—by a straight guy! How do I make this happen?
Do I just walk up to a straight guy and tell him I want to
get on my knees and clean his shoes with my tongue while he
spits on me and calls me names? Or that I want to eat out
of a dog dish on the floor while he laughs at me? How the
hell do I make this happen? How do I approach some straight
guy with my request without getting beaten up? Please don’t
say, “Settle for a very straight-acting and straight-looking
gay guy.” I have tried that, and it doesn’t work! The guy
must be totally and completely straight! Otherwise, it’s just
not a turn-on for me. I’m so desperate that I’m almost willing
to pay for it!
—Worthless
Piece Of Shit
Long
odds: If you have a wide circle of sexually adventurous straight
friends, WPOS, and you were open with all of your friends
about your kinks in a friendly, nonthreatening manner, maybe
one or two of your straight male friends might be indulgent/perverse
enough to want to engage in a little role-play with you. (And,
yes, it’s possible to make someone feel threatened by offering
to lick their boots and take their abuse.)
Somewhat shorter odds: Don’t have friends like that? Well,
there are a lot of BDSM groups and orgs out there that are
mixed, i.e., they have gay, lesbian, straight, bi, and trans
members, and most host mixed play parties. Get involved with
one, be open about your kinks, and you’ll meet a few kinky
straight male tops who would get a kick out of slapping you
around.
Best odds: Pay for it, already.
I’m a het male professional in my mid-20s who wants
to find a female dominant partner. Pro-dom services abound
for stereotypes like me, but I’m looking for a D/s relationship
rather than just playtime. Predictably, I can’t find one.
Women I meet randomly are mostly socialized to want dominant
men, and kink personal sites like FetLife only make my plight
look even direr: Nearly all the doms are either pros or in
their 50s. It’s a given that dominant women my age are unicorns,
but how can I maximize those slim chances?
—Seeking
Unrestrained Bitch
By
keeping your kink personal ad updated—unlike unicorns, kinky
younger women do exist, and you want them to be able to find
your ad when they troll on FetLife—and by reconciling yourself
to the fact that most submissive straight men in D/s relationships
met vanilla women who weren’t perverts themselves but were
pervertible.
CONFIDENTIAL TO LGBT YOUTH: Please check out the new, improved,
expanded, and totally awesome It Gets Better Project site:
itgetsbetter project.com. And please don’t kill yourself.
mail@savagelove.net
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