love reading your column and never thought that I would have
a reason to write to you, but to my pleasure and chagrin,
I realized today that I could use your help.
I am a 23-year-old woman. I have been with my boyfriend for
three years, and we have lived together for two. We have a
very healthy sex life, and the longer we are together, the
better it gets! There is just one problem: He wants me to
get really raunchy with his come when I am blowing him. I
guess it’s called an “oral creampie.” Anyway, he wants to
shoot on my face with my mouth open, he wants me to let him
come in my mouth and then let it drool back out on my chin
or his cock, all kinds of things in that vein. I would love
to do that for him—but when it’s go time, I freeze and can’t
bring myself to do it and end up swallowing his come instead.
Honestly, I think the thought of come bothers me. I can swallow
it because once I do, it’s gone and I don’t have to worry
about it—but with this, I have to play with it and run it
all around in my mouth. I need to know how to embrace his
come instead of fearing it so our sex life can continue to
grow instead of stagnating on this one thing. Help!
to Urban Dictionary—the final authority on all sex definitions
these days—an “oral creampie” isn’t anywhere near as involved
a process as your boyfriend makes it out to be.
receiving a blowjob,” says Urban Dictionary, “the alpha male
peaks to orgasm—while the male is in the midst of ejaculation,
or cumming, the female continues the act of oral sex without
removing her lips and/or mouth from the alpha males penis—thus,
causing the male to cum inside the females mouth, and possibly
down her throat while she is still sucking the males penis.”
You gotta love how the alpha male—no blowjobs for you beta
males—“peaks to orgasm” all by himself. He isn’t brought
to orgasm thanks to the determined efforts of a giving
partner. No. A blowjob is something alpha males do
for themselves. There he is, our alpha male, peaking to orgasm
all on his own, when suddenly a woman trips and falls face-first
into his lap.
Anyway, FC, it looks like you’re doing the oral creampie already:
You’re blowing him; you’re swallowing. Your boyfriend is asking
you for what we’re going to call “more.” And this isn’t something
he’s asking you to do “when [you’re] blowing him,” but after
you’re done blowing him. Because once he comes, FC, the
blowjob is technically over. Emission accomplished. So he’s
asking for a blowjob-and-then-some, an above-and-beyond-the-call
A couple of thoughts . . .
Presumably, your boyfriend eats your pussy. And when he does,
FC, he gets your vaginal secretions all over his face—it’s
smeared all over his chin and cheeks and nose and lips. It’s
applied gradually, in layers, like a varnish. There’s a big
difference between your secretions and his—he comes all at
once, in a few massive splats—but if he’s eating your pussy,
FC, he’s already doing a slo-mo version of what he’s asking
you to do for him.
But even so, FC, your boyfriend has to recognize the above-and-beyond
nature of the request he’s making. He’s getting head—good,
enthusiastic head, too, as evidenced by all the alpha orgasms
he’s peaking. And there you are, only too happy to swallow—even
if your true motive is to dispose of his semen as quickly
as possible. It seems to me that (1) your boyfriend shouldn’t
push this oral creampie thing too hard and (2) you shouldn’t
feel too bad if you can’t bring yourself to do this for him
Your inability to do this one thing—this one above-and-beyond
thing—shouldn’t be allowed to “derail” an otherwise excellent
sex life. Your sex life can “continue to grow” even if this
particular act won’t be scratched off the boyfriend’s bucket-o-come
list anytime soon. Do the stuff you enjoy, try new things,
continue to grow together. And maybe play with his come a
little bit along the way—masturbate him sometimes, or let
him masturbate himself, and run your fingers through his come—and
perhaps your fears and inhibitions will decrease and one day
you’ll be able to enjoy his juices (a word I hate in this
context) just as much as he enjoys yours.
And he does enjoy yours, right? Because if he isn’t eating
your pussy, FC, then you shouldn’t even be blowing him, much
less feeling guilty about not gargling with his come after
I grew up in a shitty conservative town with a batshit
crazy mother and a philandering father who, despite leaving
my mom when I was 2, went on to be a pretty good dad and definitely
the only moderately stable parent in my life. I wanted his
love and approval. I went to law school and married a guy
who was, essentially, my dad. They became best friends. Very
shortly into the marriage, I fell in love with a woman, realized
I’m a total homo, and got divorced. I’m still with the same
woman and I’m no longer suicidal over my internalized homophobia.
My dad didn’t exactly support my decision, but he has made
an effort to get to know my girlfriend and isn’t acting quite
as crushed as I know he was when I came out and divorced my
However, he continues to have a relationship with my ex-husband.
This enrages me. I felt like he sided with the ex at every
turn during our separation and divorce, and now I feel like
he’s incapable of understanding my feelings. I’m still friendly
with my ex, although I have tremendous guilt issues over not
having figured myself out before dragging him into a marriage.
My dad’s point is that his friendship with my ex has nothing
to do with me.
Am I just being a petty bitch or is he being an insensitive
bitch or insensitive asshole, petty bitch or insensitive asshole,
petty bitch or insensitive asshole—does it have to be one
or the other, ALD?
Your dad bonded with your ex while you were married and didn’t
regard the divorce as your ex’s fault. Perhaps your dad took
your ex’s side because he couldn’t see that the divorce wasn’t
entirely your fault, either. You were a victim, too, ALD—victimized
by the homophobia you had internalized. The homophobic culture
that rendered you incapable of recognizing that you were a
lesbian before you dragged your ex into a doomed marriage
is ultimately to blame—that doesn’t mean you bear no
responsibility—and if your dad couldn’t see that at the time
and was insensitive, then, yeah, he owes you an apology.
But you brought your ex into your dad’s life, your dad bonded
with him as a son-in-law, and it’s unfair of you to demand
that your dad cut all ties to your ex. That’s controlling,
irrational behavior—aka petty bitchery—and you should apologize
to your dad for it.
You have a right to your feelings, of course, and if your
dad’s relationship with your ex makes you uncomfortable, it
makes you uncomfortable. In this era of divorce, remarriage,
and blended families, rest assured that you’re not the only
person in the world with an ex who’s still, for better or
worse, part of the family.