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BY
DAN SAVAGE
I
have a bit of a situation. I’m a 23-year-old heterosexual
male, and I am married. My wife and I also happen to have
a girlfriend now, making our arrangement a polyamorous triad.
We all love each other very much, and we are getting to the
point that we are thinking about how we are going to tell
our parents about our relationship.
My parents have already been told. Their reactions were as
expected: My mother was slightly bemused and amazed that I
was able to pull it off, while my father gave me a high five.
But my parents are divorced/remarried-to-other-people atheists,
and by the time I was 12, my dad was teaching me how to eat
pussy. So my situation is not exactly typical.
My wife’s family is super Southern Baptist, while our girlfriend’s
mother is a big ol’ bag of crazy: She was a physically abusive
nut job who beat her children with a Bible attached to a rope.
Our question is this: Should we even bother disclosing to
either of their sets of Bible-beating parents? To give you
an even better idea about who my mother-in-law is: I’m a recovering
addict (two years sober), and after I told her that in confidence,
she used it against me the first chance she got (called me
a thieving junkie). She’s a hypocritical, judgmental bitch,
but my wife feels like she needs her approval.
If we shouldn’t disclose, then how do we deal with things
like family holidays and other group events? Is not disclosing
a sign that either my wife or girlfriend is ashamed of the
life we lead? Your help would be appreciated.
—Not
Telling The Whole Truth
You
don’t mention how long you’ve been in this poly triad, NTTWT,
but seeing as you’re only 23 and were already married before
you met the girlfriend, you can’t have been in this poly triad
for very long. And while it’s nice that you have such an open
and honest relationship with your parents—perhaps a little
too open (I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my father
for not teaching me how to eat pussy when I was 12)—your wife
and your girlfriend aren’t similarly blessed.
For that reason, I’m gonna advise against disclosing the true
nature of your relationship(s) for the time being, NTTWT.
Not because you have anything to be ashamed of—you most certainly
do not—but because relationships with parents are best run
on a need-to-know basis.
And it doesn’t sound like your wife’s parents need to know—not
yet. This triad is new, and like most romantic relationships,
it may not stand the test of time. For the moment, introduce
your girlfriend as a friend; if your MIL is curious about
why you’re all living together, say something vague about
the economy. If it turns out that your triad is one for the
ages, NTTWT, then you can come out to your MIL and weather
the judgmental shitstorm.
As for the girlfriend’s mother, NTTWT, it doesn’t sound like
that woman has a right to know anything about her daughter’s
life.
All that said, NTTWT, I do think loving, committed nonmonogamous
couples should be open with their families, if only to prove
to people that loving, committed nonmonogamous couples exist.
I’m not encouraging you to be closeted, just strategic. Your
wife’s family is more likely to be accepting if they perceive
your marriage as not just loving, but lasting. Give
it a few years, NTTWT, and then, whether the current girlfriend
is still in the picture or not, your wife can let her mother
know—as matter-of-factly as possible—that you’re poly.
What
do you know about orgasm denial for men? My husband is asking
me to try all kinds of crazy things like locking him in a
chastity device and denying him orgasms until he begs. Is
that safe? Do many couples do it? I admit I find it kind of
sexy, but how in the world do I figure out how to do it and
make it fun for him?
—Wants
Info For Erotics
Except
in the most extreme cases, WIFE, male chastity play isn’t
really about orgasm denial. It’s more of an elaborate, extended
kind of foreplay, a way of introducing elements of erotic
power and control that usually result in the denied/chaste
man having more orgasms, not fewer.
There’s no way of knowing how many wives out there are locking
up their husbands’ dicks, WIFE, but there are enough couples
doing it to keep male chastity device manufacturers in business
(cb-6000.com) and enough couples interested in male chastity
play for publishers to bring out books that explain how to
do it and how to make it pleasurable (Male Chastity: A
Guide for Keyholders by Lucy Fairbourne, Be Careful
What You Wish For . . . : The Ultimate Guide to Male Chastity
by Sarah Jameson).
As for safety: Make sure you get a male chastity device that
fits properly, WIFE, as you don’t want his dick to go numb,
develop gangrene, and fall off—that would be nullification,
not chastity. And don’t deny your husband orgasms for
weeks or months on end, as that could elevate his risk for
developing prostate cancer (his orgasms flush carcinogens
from his prostate).
I’m
a guy in my late 30s and have been married for 12 mostly happy
years, with three kids. I’ve never cheated, despite a boring
sex life that I’ve tried to spice up. My efforts were not
received well. We’ve talked at length about the frequency
and style of our sex life, but she’s not interested in having
sex very often, and when she is, it only happens one of two
ways. I’ve thought about having sex with other women but have
never acted on any of the opportunities that came my way.
I’ve jerked off to plenty of porn in the meantime, though.
Anyway, I meet a girl, we’re attracted to each other, and
we decide to go for it. No, my wife does not know. Yes, I’m
an asshole. And the problem is, suddenly I can’t get it up—for
either of them! Neither my hand nor porn work, either. WTF?
I have never had this problem. It’s been three attempts—patient
girl, huh?—and so far nothing. I can’t tell if this is guilt,
performance anxiety, or what. Has my wife, porn, and my hand
ruined me for having sex with other women? Do you have any
suggestions? I doubt it’s medical, since the onset occurred
precisely when this girl and I decided to have sex, and that
would be far too much of a coincidence.
—No
Catchy Sign-Off
I’m
thinking either it’s guilt plus performance anxiety—guilt-induced
performance anxiety—or it’s a huge and highly unlikely coincidence.
A medical checkup can rule out the latter, NCSO, but only
a thorough examination of your feelings, your motives, and
your circumstances can help the former.
You’ve taken a huge and potentially very consequential step:
You’re gonna cheat on the wife (three attempts? you’re already
cheating on the wife), NCSO, and if the wife finds out—and
that’s a pretty small if—that could mean divorce. (It
shouldn’t mean divorce, in my opinion, but it usually does.)
Seeing as the potential consequences for you, your wife, and
your kids are so dire that you’ve been struck bonerless, I
would advise you to stop seeing the patient girl . . . for
now.
You’re going to have to—sorry!—talk to the wife about
your frustrations and the possibility of opening up your marriage.
Because the only way your dick is going to work with other
women, NCSO, is if you’re not risking everything with it.
mail@savagelove.net
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday
at thestranger.com/savage.
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