spoke at Pacific University in Forest Grove, Oregon, last
Thursday night. PU students submitted a lot more questions
than I could possibly answer in the 90 minutes we had together.
So I’m going to use this week’s column to answer some of the
PU questions I didn’t get to. Here we go:
What is the biggest barrier to the acceptance of gay marriage
in the U.S.?
There are two big barriers. First: all those loud, aggressive,
and hypocritical right-wing “Christian” shitsticks who oppose
marriage equality because of some supposedly anti-gay bullshit
they read in the Bible while ignoring everything in the very
same Bible that limits their own sexual freedoms—you know,
all those motherfuckers who masturbate, fornicate, divorce,
and remarry, and then turn around and oppose same-sex marriage
because it “goes against their religion.” Second: all those
quiet, timid, and cowardly NALT Christians out there who support
marriage equality but have allowed their conservative coreligionists
to hijack Christianity. (“NALT” stands for “not all like that,”
the phrase you hear from liberal Christians whenever you bitch
about conservative Christians, i.e., “We’re not all like that!”
Yes, yes, NALTs—we know. You’re not all like that. Don’t tell
us. Tell Tony Perkins, tell the pope, tell Maggie Gallagher,
you have advice about a breakup?
Thinking about breaking up with someone? Don’t draw it out—nothing
is worse than the humiliating realization, some days after
you’ve been dumped, that the person who dumped you wanted
out of the relationship weeks or months earlier.
Just been broken up with? Cry, eat, delete (phone numbers,
e-mail, texts, sexts), defriend, hit the gym, hit on someone
else just as soon as you’re able. Or sooner.
you were an animal, what animal would you be?
I’m an animal already—I’m a primate, like you. If I had to
be some other kind of animal, well, I would want to
be either a tapeworm living in my husband’s gut or a particularly
lethal bacteria that had just been inhaled by Glenn Beck.
is your opinion of straight women participating in No Shave
I know nothing about No Shave November—but I’m an American,
and we don’t let ignorance stop us from forming opinions.
So I wholeheartedly endorse No Shave November, its mission,
and women’s participation in it.
the “other woman” to a man 14 years my senior. I left home
for school, and he stopped contacting me—this after 1.5 years
of relationship and visions of a future together. Did I get
is your response to people who say that being gay is a choice?
think being gay is a choice? Then choose it: Suck my dick.
Show me how it’s done. You choose it—suck my dick—right now,
and I’ll videotape it, and then we’ll put the proof that being
gay is a choice on the internet for the whole world to see.
cooling and warming lubes just burn for everyone? Or is there
something wrong with me? Why are they advertised as being
I’m not sure why they’re suddenly marketing hot-and-cool lubes
to breeders so aggressively. But straight folks should know
that gay people were using these lubes 40 years ago. They
were called “hot lubes” back then, and gay people quickly
realized that there wasn’t anything interesting or sexy or
awesome about a burning hole.
the most effective method for getting santorum out of the
An ounce of prevention—or the careful placement of a towel—is
worth a pound of Spray ’n Wash Stain Stick. If putting down
a towel, or taking time to douche, is too much for you, fuck
on the floor or get brown sheets.
had a traumatic experience my freshman year that scarred me
to the point that I did not want my boyfriend to be even a
little dominant. Now, three years later, I am ready to take
on a submissive role. How do I get my boyfriend to accept
a submissive me?
Thank the boyfriend for being the not-even-a-little-dom partner
you needed while you healed. Then tell him that, thanks in
large part to him, you’re secure enough to start mixing it
up and you want to explore consensual, erotic submission.
Then offer him your erotic submission—in whatever form it
takes/turns you on—without asking him to play an overtly dominant
role. Then, when he sees that you’re not going to shatter,
or that you’re really sure about this and that it really turns
you on, he can grow into a more overtly dominant role.
should I do if it is too big to get in without hurting? Lube
is not an option!
If it hurts going in and lube is not an option, then I have
a one-word answer for you. And it’s not what you should
do when someone stuffs a big dick into you and lube isn’t
an option for some mysterious reason, but what you’re gonna
do when someone stuffs a big dick into you and lube isn’t
an option for some mysterious reason: suffer.
important do you think sexual chemistry/compatibility is in
a long-term relationship?
Sexual chemistry/compatibility is only as important as sexual
exclusivity/satisfaction is. If the latter doesn’t matter,
then former is irrelevant. And for the record: Companionate
marriage—the union of two individuals who sincerely love each
other but who don’t fuck (or don’t fuck each other) because
they have no sexual chemistry/compatibility (at least with
each other)—can be wonderful. There are lots of happy, healthy
companionate marriages out there—indeed, it’s a “lifestyle
option” that rarely gets the recognition or credit it deserves.
you think polyamory is possible or healthy?
Polyamorous relationships are possible—I know for a fact that
they’re possible—but they’re only as healthy as the folks
who are in them. The same goes for monogamous relationships.
the best song to have sex to?
Is there any question? “The Lonely Goatherd” from The Sound
of Music, of course. If you don’t have The Sound of
Music—but who doesn’t?—then “If Momma Was Married” from
the original Broadway cast recording of Gypsy.
Thanks to Kayla, Chris, Lisa, Nancy, and everyone else at
Pacific University who brought me in!
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday