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BY
DAN SAVAGE
I’m
a 23-year-old female college student whose life consists of
going to class and going to the gym. I got hurt in my last
relationship, so I’ve been staying away from dating for a
while. I’m attractive and I notice guys checking me out—making
the gym a second home does have benefits!—but I’m afraid I
come off as unapproachable.
I’ve noticed this fine guy at the gym. From the way he looks
at me, I can tell he’s interested, but I have no idea why
he hasn’t approached me. We make a lot of eye contact while
we work out, and some days he’ll walk by my treadmill and
awkwardly smile, but we’ve talked only once. Is he shy? Should
I try to talk to him again? How can I come off as more approachable?
I’m finding myself obsessing over him (like I said, he is
fine), but the more I do, the more pathetic I feel.
—Pathetic
Shy Girl With A Crush
We’ll
get to your issues in a moment, PSGWAC, but first . . .
Don’t you hate it when you’re working on a column that’s way
overdue and you have a horrible headache and you grab the
bottle of pills from your suitcase—a travel selection of Excedrins,
Advils, and 222s—and you pour the pills into your hand and
pick out a couple of 222s (they’re the ones that don’t have
an “E” on them and aren’t green) and you toss the 222s in
your mouth while you click through a few e-mails and then
nearly choke to death?
Don’t you hate that?
And don’t you hate it even more when you’re sitting there
wondering how you nearly choked to death on a couple of 222s—they’re
skinny! You conquered that gag reflex in middle school!—and
then you remember that your boyfriend put four of his massive,
easy-to-choke-on Vicodins in with your pills the last time
he came along on a trip?
Don’t you hate that?
OK, I had better get to it, huh? Soon I won’t be fit to operate
the remote for the TV in my hotel room much less dole out
sex advice to my love-, clue-, and orgasm-lorn readers. But
before we begin: My apologies to anyone unlucky enough to
find their letter in this week’s column.
OK, PSGWAC, a lot of guys—fine and otherwise—have
been led to believe that hitting on girls who aren’t in bars
or on personals websites is tantamount to sexual harassment.
Because, you see, for the last 20 years, fine and otherwise
guys have been told that it’s not nice to hit on girls at
work, on the bus, at the gym, or in class. Girls are still
getting hit on at work, on the bus, at the gym, and in class,
of course, just not by nice guys. The guys who approach
girls at work, on the bus, etc., are, for the most part, fine
and otherwise assholes.
So I’m thinking Fine Boy is either a nice, polite, clueless
straight dude who doesn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable
or he’s a fag who stares because he thinks your skin is flawless
and is sincerely curious about what product you use in your
hair.
Here’s how you find out whether Fine Boy is straight and polite
or gay and product-curious: Approach Fine Boy—take it from
me, nothing makes you seem more approachable than physically
approaching someone—and tell him you’d love to hang out sometime
outside the gym, outside your clothes, etc., and see what
he says.
I’m
gay but I’m just a normal guy. The most stereotypical gay
thing about me is that I’m a musical-theater major. But I
can fix a car, I don’t enjoy dancing (in clubs), I hate the
bar scene, and I never use the word “fabulous.” I’m not attracted
to faggy men. Can you assure me that there are nonfaggy gay
men out there?
—Straight
Actor
There
are no nonfaggy gay men out there, SA.
Or there are no other nonfaggy gay men out there, I
should say, because you’re nonfaggy—I’m taking your word for
it, SA—and there you are, all nonfaggy and majoring in musical
theater! But you’re the only fabulously masculine gay man
in America! You’re like Will Smith in I Am Legend,
only you have to sing and dance and blow loads on guys instead
of running and screaming and blowing away loads of zombies.
But there may be a few homos out there masculine enough to
meet with your approval. Look around the tech department of
your theater program, SA, and if you see someone in paint-
spattered jeans, carrying a power tool, with a pack of smokes
tucked in a back pocket, ask that butch dyke out. She’s your
only hope.
I’m
the type of guy who always has a lot to drink because I need
to have the courage to hit on girls and also because I don’t
want to look like one of those assholes who stays sober so
he can have the pick of the most wasted girls. However, when
I do end up with a girl in my bed, I can’t get it up. Tactfully
saying, “Let’s wait till the morning” is not much fun.
—It
Does Work, I Swear
Advice
Seeker: “Dan, Dan! My dick doesn’t work when I go like this.”
Advice Columnist: “Don’t go like that.”
I’ve
been with my husband for nearly eight years. When we met,
he weighed about 140 pounds, which wasn’t bad on his five-feet-ten
frame. Since then, he’s ballooned to 230 pounds! I know I
should just be a grown-up and tell him that it would improve
our sex life if he lost the weight. The problem is this: I
am a recovering anorexic. My husband knows and has been nothing
short of wonderful, understanding, and caring about it since
the beginning. Due to my issues, he would never make a disparaging
comment about my weight—so how can I make one about his? But
his weight is killing my desire for him! It feels so horrible
and shallow to say, but I just want to be fucked by someone
who isn’t so fat. He’s great in every other aspect, except
for his weight. I’m at the point where I’m about to take up
an invitation from an ex in town for the weekend just so I
can have sex with someone who doesn’t have a belly.
Is it wrong for me to ask my husband to lose the weight after
everything I’ve put him through with my own issues?
—Former
Annie-Rexic
Presumably,
your husband wouldn’t hesitate to speak up if you began starving
yourself to death again, FAR, so I don’t—in my condition—see
why you shouldn’t hesitate to speak up now that he’s eating
himself to death. Unless, of course, that would tear open
your food-related wounds.
So speak up. Thank him, once again, for the way he’s supported
your efforts to keep the weight on and explain how you’re
going to support his efforts to take the weight off.
I
am a woman in my early 20s and I have been in a happy hetero
relationship for several years. My boyfriend has a foot fetish,
and I have no problem doing what satisfies him. The problem
is that the same is not true for him. He doesn’t like sex
at all, and he’s barely even tried to go down on me. He has
never come during intercourse. It’s as if he is repulsed by
my vagina. I should also mention that, unlike other foot fetishists,
he enjoys being in control, i.e., tying me up, holding me
down, etc. Is there anything I can do to make sex more enticing
and enjoyable?
—Starting
To Get Fed Up
Have
it with someone else.
mail@savagelove.net
Find the Savage Lovecast every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage
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