|
I
really need some help and comfort. I am a straight 25-year-old
woman, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for four years. I
have never been the romantic type, until I met him. At the
beginning, we were purely sexual. We love role-playing, and
we always came up with erotic fantasies of me being fucked
and used by multiple men, or some fantasy where others were
involved. It was hot to me until I fell in love with him.
Now the only thing that turns me on is him.
Even though he says he loves me, I cannot say he gets turned
on by thinking of only me. We still continue these fantasies,
but lately I’m seeing that every single time we are intimate,
he always talks about things he wants other men (and women)
to do to me or what he wants to do with others while I’m around.
He never talks about a hot fantasy that involves only him
and me. I drew the line when he started bringing my best friend
into our role-playing. When I told him I would prefer if he
not bring her into it, he ignored me and talked about her
anyway. The last time I brought it up, he said he won’t tell
me his fantasies anymore and that he’ll just tell me what
I want to hear. He also said that by asking him to stop thinking
of others, I am demeaning him and his sexuality.
I have done everything I can to please him. I have done things
sexually that I swore I would never do because I trusted him.
I guess my question is, am I demeaning him when I ask him
to not bring up others in our role-playing every time we’re
intimate? It wouldn’t bother me if it were once in a while.
I wind up feeling unattractive and never good enough. What
can I do to make him want only me?
—Not
Good Enough
Nothing.
He’s never gonna want just you and only you, NGE. All that
crazy, groupy, kinky shit that turned him on when you first
got together—the shit that turned you on before you
fell in love with him—still turns him on and will always turn
him on.
Now, I know you’re not doing it on purpose, NGE, and this
is just how you feel, and feelings are sacrosanct lil’
mysteries and there’s nothing you can do about them, but I’ve
never understood people who are up for anything with someone
they’re into—dirty talk, crazy sex, groups (real or imagined)—up
until the moment they fall in love with that person.
Um . . . shouldn’t falling in love, and the deepening feelings
of trust and security that go along with that, open a couple
up to new possibilities, new horizons, new sexual adventures?
And if falling in love with someone means the end of sexual
adventure and fantasy and role-play—if falling in love means
previously acceptable fantasies wind up on your partner’s
no-fly list—isn’t that a huge disincentive to fall in love?
That said, NGE, your boyfriend should, at the very least,
mix it the fuck up. Even if you were into groups—or still
into groups, or still into thoughts of groups—hearing about
groups each and every time you fuck would get pretty fucking
tedious after four fucking years. And pressing ahead with
annoying fantasies about specific people—your best friend,
your mom, your boss—after you’ve asked him to stop is an asshole
move. If he needs dirty talk to get off, he should find new
dirty scenarios to explore, including some that involve you
and only you, save the group fantasies for “once in a while,”
and leave your best friend out of it.
As for feeling unattractive, you should make him aware of
your insecurities—if you haven’t already—and he should be
considerate enough to come through with regular reassurances
about your attractiveness, his feelings for you, how hot he
thinks your body is, etc., etc.
Finally, NGE, I want to emphasize again that there’s nothing
you can do to make him want you and only you. He is who he
is, he’s turned on by what turns him on, and you knew that
when you fell in love with him. You have neither the right
nor the power to reach into his erotic imagination and yank
out the bits that conflict with your ideas of what sex is
or should be when two people are in love.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say that your attitude is demeaning,
though. It’s more delusional, perhaps, with a sprinkling of
irrational jimmies. But not demeaning.
I
am a 21-year-old male in a loving and committed relationship.
The sex is great; the evenings together are great. It’s a
perfectly happy relationship except for this one thing: I
can’t get enough change. I want to be having sex with someone
else. One girl is never going to be enough to make me happy.
I have asked her about the possibility of having a threesome.
She said she would never go for that, not MMF or FFM, and
she is utterly against it and always will be. But I NEED more.
Sad fact. What do I do?
—Coming
Up More
You
could stick it out, I suppose, in the hopes that true love
has the opposite effect on your girlfriend than it did on
NGE here, i.e., that once your girlfriend is crazy for you,
CUM, she’ll want to fuck shitloads of other people and she’ll
give you the go-ahead to do the same. The odds of that happening,
however, are close enough to nonexistent that I would be stripped
of my professional accreditation if I advised you to live
in hope.
Look, CUM, you’re 21 and you’re not ready to settle down—or
settle for one person—not yet anyway, maybe not ever. However
lovely this girl is, however pleasant your evenings together
are, you’re not sexually compatible. There would be fewer
divorces and less heartbreak if people were encouraged to
view sexual incompatibility as the deal breaker it inevitably
becomes over time.
Dump the nice girl, be single, fuck around, and keep your
eyes peeled for a girl who wants what you want, change and
all.
My
friend—I swear, I actually mean my friend—has been “notdating”
his “notboyfriend” since August. They see each other on an
almost daily basis and have even had a conversation about
exclusivity. The “notboyfriend” won’t fuck my friend! What’s
even weirder is that they started out as fuck buddies and
then didn’t speak for a year before they started dating.
What should my friend do? He would like to have sex with the
“notboyfriend” since it was awesome the first run.
—Concerned
Lesbian
It’s
possible that your friend’s notboyfriend seroconverted sometime
after their fuck-buddy arrangement expired and before they
started dating, and the notboyfriend wants to disclose his
new HIV status before they start fucking again and is having
a hard time working up the nerve.
Or it could be that your friend’s notboyfriend isn’t into
your friend sexually but depends on his emotional support
and doesn’t want to have to share him, or compete for his
nonsexual attentions, with a real, live, honest-to-God boyfriend.
Here’s what your friend should do: tell the notboyfriend that,
while he values the emotional intimacy they share, he’s looking
for sexual intimacy, too. If there’s some reason why they’re
not fucking, he wants to know what it is. If there’s no reason,
he wants to start fucking. Your friend needs to make it clear
that there will be no “exclusivity”—and no more “notdating”—until
they’re notnotfucking.
mail@savagelove.net
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday
at thestranger.com/savage.
|
Site
Search 
