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By
Dan Savage
I’m
a 27-year-old divorced woman. I married the first man I ever
had sex with, and we had a very vanilla sex life. He refused
to try any play with dominant/submissive roles. My fantasies
have always involved my submission and my favorite porn features
women being submissive.
My current boyfriend is very open and experienced. With him,
I’ve tried being held down during sex, light bondage, dirty
talk, gentle choking, etc. The sex is amazing. Here’s my problem:
A few nights ago while we were watching TV and cuddling, he
started to stroke my body. I asked if I could touch myself
and if he would keep watching TV while I did it. I had the
most intense orgasm of my life while he ignored me.
We talked about how this was very submissive behavior, and
I said that I’d like to explore it more if he’s open to it
(he is). My concern is that this submission might spill over
into the relationship. I am not submissive in the relationship;
we’re very much equals. I know that he sees it as a sexual
kink and is very GGG, but I’m concerned that it could lead
to him thinking that I want to be ignored in other aspects
of the relationship.
Seeing as this is my second relationship and the first time
I’ve been able to indulge my submissive desires, I might be
worrying over nothing. I’m feeling like an emotionally leotarded,
sexually repressed teenager.
—Scared
Of Submission
Keep
talking to your boyfriend, leotard, and you’ll be just fine.
At first it struck me as odd that you would be troubled by
a thoroughly sweet moment of soft-focus, fuzzy-bunnies Dom/sub
intimacy and not by the other, arguably more intense, SM games
you’ve been playing with your boyfriend. There you are getting
held down, tied up, talked down-and-dirty to, and “gently
choked” (gentle or not, choking is a bad idea) . . . and you’re
worried that being ignored while you masturbate takes you
into new and dangerously submissive territory?
After a moment’s thought, I realized why this particular game
troubled you so much: All of that other stuff took place in
obviously sexual contexts, i.e., it happened in the bedroom
while you were getting it on. This game—a game you
initiated—began during a moment of not specifically sexual
intimacy. You were cuddling, you were watching TV, you
weren’t having sex. If Dom/sub games can break out when
you’re just sitting there watching TV, who’s to say that Dom/sub
games can’t break out when you’re doing the dishes? Or at
the movies? Or having dinner with your parents?
You can have the Dom/sub dynamics you enjoy without having
to worry about them slopping over into other areas of your
life, SOS, by being assertive, communicative, and vigilant.
If you can ask a man to ignore you and keep watching TV while
you masturbate, SOS, you should be able to say this to him:
“Being submissive turns me on when we’re having sex—and the
minute I started masturbating, we were having sex—but if you
treat me like anything other than your equal when we’re not
having sex, Sir, I will kick your fucking ass.”
My guy wants to come in my mouth. I am fine with the
act, but he produces a high volume of ejaculate, like three
tablespoons’ worth. The only thing I can think of is getting
him most of the way there and letting him come on my face.
Any advice on how I can do this for him?
—GGG
Sex Partner
I
measured out three tablespoons of half-and-half, GSP, and
you couldn’t drown a kitten in it, much less a GGG sex partner.
An adult should be able to knock that back without much trouble.
Give the man a blowjob, GSP, and let him come in your mouth.
If there’s too much ejaculate to swallow, or if you can’t
manage to precisely time swallows to spurts, allow the excess
ejaculate to run out of the corners of your mouth. If you
don’t want to swallow any ejaculate, close the top of your
throat when he begins to come and spit it all out—into your
hand or onto a towel, or just let it run down and over his
dick—once he’s done.
I
recently started college, and I met an amazing woman. Call
her Jennifer. She’s talented artistically, poetically, and
with a blade. I met her at the Renaissance Club, and the first
time I saw her at Fight Circle I was intrigued. Older club
members often adopt new club members. Jennifer and her girlfriend,
Robin, adopted me as their daughter. A couple weeks afterward,
we decided to have a pet/Mistresses relationship between the
three of us. I was content with this because it would allow
me to get closer to Jennifer. One night, she and I “slept”
together, and soon afterward, Jennifer decided to put the
pet/Mistress relationship on hold because she didn’t want
to drag me into her relationship drama.
I’m not sure what to do: Should I wait for them to break up
(they have been having arguments lately and Robin still isn’t
aware that Jennifer and I “slept” together), wait for Robin
to allow us to have a pet/Mistress relationship again, or
just move on?
—Ex-Pet
Lesbian
Sword
fights, adoptions, pets, Mistresses, faux-incest/pseudo-bestiality
role-playing games—a lot has changed at Liberty University
since I was an undergrad.
Look, EPL, if Jennifer and Robin are falling apart, step back
and be patient. That way you won’t be held responsible by
the rest of Renaissance Club once you and Jennifer resume
your pet/Mistress/mommy/daughter/whatever routine.
I
am living with a man whom I deeply love. I recently noticed
that he is watching porn when I am not around. My self-esteem
crashed when I learned this because he often claimed to be
too tired to have sex. At the same time, I noticed that since
he started watching porn, we have had a lot more sex. Can
you help me sort this out so I can bandage up my wounds?
—Bummed
By Porn
I
get lots of letters from women—and some from men—complaining
about “too tired for sex” partners sneaking off to watch porn.
I had to read your letter twice to make sure I wasn’t seeing
things: Your partner used to claim he was too tired for sex,
which presumably bummed you out, but now that he’s watching
a little porn, you’re having a lot more sex . . . and you’re
still bummed out?
He’s using porn to get his juices flowing, BBP, and those
juices are ultimately flowing into you. Perhaps you should
be grateful to porn for the way it’s improved your sex life.
I’m
a straight male who skipped the sleeping around phase and
went straight to long-term boyfriend. Now in my 30s, I find
myself wanting to make up for lost time. I’ve talked to my
girlfriend of eight years about threesomes, arrangements,
swinging—anything to sleep with other women and still hold
on to my relationship. My girlfriend says that her sexually
adventurous days are behind her. She has a low sex drive and
doesn’t want to waste what little she has on other people.
I’m stuck: Part of me thinks I can’t be happy sexually having
never had a sexually adventurous phase, and part of me fears
that I’m giving up a loving relationship for what others tell
me isn’t a big deal anyway.
—Stuck
You
break up.
mail@savagelove.net
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