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The Snowpocalypse of St. John

Chapter One

1. Blessed is he that readeth, for he shall observe the snow emergency.

2. I, John, who am your pal and companion in frigid tribulation, was in that isle called Mattress waiting for the Word, which came by text message.

3. I was in the spirit for a Snow Day, and heard behind me a great noise, as of a trumpet—because I had changed my ring tone from “Pokerface,” which is so over, verily—

4. Saying, “I am the Alpha and Omega, All That and Chips, the Shiznit and the New Hotness: and what thou seeist, write and send it unto the Seven Churches: Bingo is cancelled.

5. And so, too, are adult-education classes, daycare programs, and the days of many public schools.

6. He that hath an ear, let him hear this. He that hath fingers let him Tweet and ReTweet this far and wide.

7. Unto the districts of Albany, Schenectady and Troy write, ‘I know thy works and thy labor and so shall they be relieved—or begin again after a two-hour delay, depending.’

8. Unto the outlying counties write, ‘I know where thou dwellest, thy rural routes and icy woods—but one of these days I’m gonna ask that Ichabod Crane remain open. Seriously. Like a single winter day. I mean, c’mon.’ ”

Chapter Two

1. And after this I looked and, behold, a door was opened and the voice I heard was like unto a trumpet. So, naturally, I thought it was another text. But it said, “Come hither and I will shew things which must be, Daddy.”

2. And I beheld the first beast, which had an appearance like a woman, only very small and in snow pants.

3. And the beast had but one mouth but it was full of words.

4. And the beast had a sled.

5. And I beheld, and I heard the words of the beast, and they were many. The number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands and thousands.

6. And I replieth in a loud voice, “Snow DAY. Snow DAY. No sledding before dawn.”

7. And I heard as it were the sound of thunder, or the popping of a cork, the breaking of the first seal, on the refrigerator.

8. And I behold a white star: Moet, leftover from New Year’s.

9. And when I had opened the second seal, on the orange juice, I heard the beast say, “Come and see, a pale horse!”

10. And the beast did guide mine eye through the bay window, and it did kinda look like a pale horse, our Honda covered in snow.

Chapter Three

1. And, woe unto he who lifts not from the legs, for when the third through seventh seals are broken—Lumbar discs L1 through L4—thou shall see angels, sparkling lights and little cartoon birds circling thy head.

2. And thou shall utter curses that are unpleasing.

3. And thou shall, in thy back-pain-and-Mimosa’d confusion, have difficulty in remembering the rules of alternate-side parking during this, the Snowpocalypse.

4. Let him who hath understanding reckon that thy house number is Six Six Six (first floor), and that number is an Even Number.

5. So, park in front of the house till Friday, 8 AM, then to the other side, geez. It ain’t Kabbalah, genius.

Chapter Four

1. And, I, John, beheld the new city, prepared in white as a bride for her husband (or wife, or some other marital or civic configuration. It’s really none of my damn business).

2. And I heard a great voice from the stoop saying, “It is done.

3. And it’s past dawn. Now, we sled. SNOW DAY!”

4. Can I get an Amen?

—John Rodat

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