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BY DAN SAVAGE

Iíve written before, but I didnít hear back from youóprobably because my e-mail didnít contain flogging or santorum or whatever. But I wonít be ignored, Dan.

Iím a 32-year-old female. Second marriage, two kids: one kid with my ex and one with the man I cheated on my ex with (my current husband). My problem: A year ago, I found my ďfirst loveĒ on a social network. Iíd been looking for him off and on for more than 16 years. This person was a jerk who left me for one of my friends back in high school. But he was and still is the love of my life. Always has been. Always will be. He is not married, has never been married, and has no children. We began an affair about seven months after finding each other. My marriage, my second marriage, had been rocky before this. My second husband, of three years, stopped having sex with me after I became pregnant, and this continued after our child was born. We tried counseling. It didnít help. In no way am I using this as an excuse. I know what Iíve done is wrong. But I also have a pretty bad track record and have cheated on every man Iíve ever been with, except for my first love.

This man, my first love, is the worst person in the world for me. Yet Iím in love with him. I have always been in love with him. He wants me to leave my white-collar husband for him, a very blue-collar guy. I live in a nice home in the suburbs; my first love lives in a small apartment in the city. Five months after we began having sex with each other, my current husband found out. Instead of leaving me, he has turned into a different man: extremely loving and attentive. He says this experience has made him realize how much he loves me and that he doesnít want to lose me.

My other problem: I didnít begin this affair to get my second husbandís attention. I began it because Iím in love with my first love and always have been. My husband knows of my deep feelings for my ďfirst.Ē I mention divorce often, but it falls on deaf ears. I want to do what is best for my kidsóand that would be staying right where I am. But I feel my only chance for ďtrueĒ love, if there is such a thing, is passing me by. Iíve never felt for anyone as I do for this man. Every man who has come into my life after him knew about him and knew that if he ever came back for me, I was gone. This includes my current husband. Dan, pull out all the stops on this one, as you famously do, and please tell me what to do.

óSerial Cheater In Love

Iíve read what youíve written before, SCIL, but I didnít respond because I didnít have much to say to you and I still donít. I had the same reaction reading your e-mail today that I had reading all the other e-mails youíve sent. My reaction is a little selfish, and Iím a little embarrassed to share it with you. But you keep pressing me, SCIL, and so here it is:

This bitch can get legally married and I canít?!?!

Sorry, sorry, sorry. That was cunty of meónowhere near the level of respectful professionalism that people expect of meóand so now Iím going to have to make amends by scrounging up some of that advice shit youíre after. But Iím going to offer you my advice on one condition: You donít write to me ever again.

OK!

You say youíve cheated on every man youíve ever been with, with the exception of your ďfirst love,Ē SCIL. You seem to be engaged in a little circular reasoning/magical thinking hereóyouíve concluded that he must be the love of your life because you didnít cheat on him, and you didnít cheat on him because heís the love of your life. No. You didnít cheat on him, SCIL, because you didnít get around to it. You two broke up when you were 15 years old. If youíd been with him a little longer, you wouldíve cheated on him like youíve cheated on everybody else.

If you leave your current husband and break up your first childís second home and your second childís first home, it wonít be long before you get around to cheating on the love of your life, too. Because youíre a cheater, SCIL, a habitual, serial cheater. Youíre precisely the kind of person who shouldnít make monogamous commitments.

Or get married. Or have children.

So what should you do? Stay? Go? Frankly, SCIL, I donít give a fuck what you do. Stay or go, itís not going to make a fuck of a lot of difference. Your personal life is a mess, SCIL, and it always will be. Because, you see, wherever you go, there you are.

That said: If your current husband doesnít mind being cheated on, if he can put up with your affairs and wants to put your children first, then I think you should stay with him for the sake of your kids. They deserve whatever stability and continuity you can provide for them between infidelities. Again, if you leave your current husband for the love of your life, SCIL, it wonít be long before youíre cheating on your third husband and preparing to uproot your kids a third/second time. I know it, you know it, everyone out there reading this knows it, even your current husband seems to know it.

So just stay put, OK?

 

My girlfriend of two years, my first real relationship, broke up with me a month ago. Although I felt like shit for most of that month, we somehow managed to struggle through to a close friendship. I wouldnít say Iím entirely over her, but I understand why it happened and that we wonít be getting back together. All in all, Iíve felt like weíve both been pretty mature and things are going well.

The complication: We still find each other attractive and we work very well together sexually. So she proposed an FWB arrangement, and I said yes. We laid down ground rulesówe are not together, we are just friends who fuck, so no ďI love you,Ē no commitments, no expectationsóand we started having hot sex. Is this foolhardy? We both know that Iíd prefer something more. So the question remains: Should we keep fucking?

óCanít Recall Acronym Procedure

How are you going to feel when your ex- girlfriend/current-fuck-buddy finds a new boyfriend and ends your FWB arrangement? If you can honestly answer, ďIíll be happy for her,Ē then keep fuckingóbut donít forget to ask for your balls back when she dumps you that second time.

If you canít say that and you decide to keep fucking the ex anyway, CRAP, you wouldnít be the first lovesick dumpee who agreed to enter into an FWB arrangement with an ex. If the short-term rewards (all that hot sex) and the potential long-term payoff (getting back together) make the risk seem worthwhile, then keep fucking.

mail@savagelove.net

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.


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