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BY
DAN SAVAGE
I’ve
written before, but I didn’t hear back from you—probably because
my e-mail didn’t contain flogging or santorum or whatever.
But I won’t be ignored, Dan.
I’m a 32-year-old female. Second marriage, two kids: one kid
with my ex and one with the man I cheated on my ex with (my
current husband). My problem: A year ago, I found my “first
love” on a social network. I’d been looking for him off and
on for more than 16 years. This person was a jerk who left
me for one of my friends back in high school. But he was and
still is the love of my life. Always has been. Always will
be. He is not married, has never been married, and has no
children. We began an affair about seven months after finding
each other. My marriage, my second marriage, had been rocky
before this. My second husband, of three years, stopped having
sex with me after I became pregnant, and this continued after
our child was born. We tried counseling. It didn’t help. In
no way am I using this as an excuse. I know what I’ve done
is wrong. But I also have a pretty bad track record and have
cheated on every man I’ve ever been with, except for my first
love.
This man, my first love, is the worst person in the world
for me. Yet I’m in love with him. I have always been in love
with him. He wants me to leave my white-collar husband for
him, a very blue-collar guy. I live in a nice home in the
suburbs; my first love lives in a small apartment in the city.
Five months after we began having sex with each other, my
current husband found out. Instead of leaving me, he has turned
into a different man: extremely loving and attentive. He says
this experience has made him realize how much he loves me
and that he doesn’t want to lose me.
My other problem: I didn’t begin this affair to get my second
husband’s attention. I began it because I’m in love with my
first love and always have been. My husband knows of my deep
feelings for my “first.” I mention divorce often, but it falls
on deaf ears. I want to do what is best for my kids—and that
would be staying right where I am. But I feel my only chance
for “true” love, if there is such a thing, is passing me by.
I’ve never felt for anyone as I do for this man. Every man
who has come into my life after him knew about him and knew
that if he ever came back for me, I was gone. This includes
my current husband. Dan, pull out all the stops on this one,
as you famously do, and please tell me what to do.
—Serial
Cheater In Love
I’ve
read what you’ve written before, SCIL, but I didn’t respond
because I didn’t have much to say to you and I still don’t.
I had the same reaction reading your e-mail today that I had
reading all the other e-mails you’ve sent. My reaction is
a little selfish, and I’m a little embarrassed to share it
with you. But you keep pressing me, SCIL, and so here it is:
This
bitch can get legally married and I can’t?!?!
Sorry,
sorry, sorry. That was cunty of me—nowhere near the level
of respectful professionalism that people expect of me—and
so now I’m going to have to make amends by scrounging up some
of that advice shit you’re after. But I’m going to offer you
my advice on one condition: You don’t write to me ever again.
OK!
You say you’ve cheated on every man you’ve ever been with,
with the exception of your “first love,” SCIL. You seem to
be engaged in a little circular reasoning/magical thinking
here—you’ve concluded that he must be the love of your life
because you didn’t cheat on him, and you didn’t cheat on him
because he’s the love of your life. No. You didn’t cheat on
him, SCIL, because you didn’t get around to it. You
two broke up when you were 15 years old. If you’d been with
him a little longer, you would’ve cheated on him like you’ve
cheated on everybody else.
If you leave your current husband and break up your first
child’s second home and your second child’s first home, it
won’t be long before you get around to cheating on the love
of your life, too. Because you’re a cheater, SCIL, a habitual,
serial cheater. You’re precisely the kind of person who shouldn’t
make monogamous commitments.
Or get married. Or have children.
So what should you do? Stay? Go? Frankly, SCIL, I don’t give
a fuck what you do. Stay or go, it’s not going to make a fuck
of a lot of difference. Your personal life is a mess, SCIL,
and it always will be. Because, you see, wherever you go,
there you are.
That said: If your current husband doesn’t mind being cheated
on, if he can put up with your affairs and wants to put your
children first, then I think you should stay with him for
the sake of your kids. They deserve whatever stability and
continuity you can provide for them between infidelities.
Again, if you leave your current husband for the love of your
life, SCIL, it won’t be long before you’re cheating on your
third husband and preparing to uproot your kids a third/second
time. I know it, you know it, everyone out there reading this
knows it, even your current husband seems to know it.
So just stay put, OK?
My girlfriend of two years, my first real relationship,
broke up with me a month ago. Although I felt like shit for
most of that month, we somehow managed to struggle through
to a close friendship. I wouldn’t say I’m entirely over her,
but I understand why it happened and that we won’t be getting
back together. All in all, I’ve felt like we’ve both been
pretty mature and things are going well.
The complication: We still find each other attractive and
we work very well together sexually. So she proposed an FWB
arrangement, and I said yes. We laid down ground rules—we
are not together, we are just friends who fuck, so no “I love
you,” no commitments, no expectations—and we started having
hot sex. Is this foolhardy? We both know that I’d prefer something
more. So the question remains: Should we keep fucking?
—Can’t
Recall Acronym Procedure
How
are you going to feel when your ex- girlfriend/current-fuck-buddy
finds a new boyfriend and ends your FWB arrangement? If you
can honestly answer, “I’ll be happy for her,” then keep fucking—but
don’t forget to ask for your balls back when she dumps you
that second time.
If you can’t say that and you decide to keep fucking the ex
anyway, CRAP, you wouldn’t be the first lovesick dumpee who
agreed to enter into an FWB arrangement with an ex. If the
short-term rewards (all that hot sex) and the potential long-term
payoff (getting back together) make the risk seem worthwhile,
then keep fucking.
mail@savagelove.net
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday
at thestranger.com/savage.
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