—Pissed Off Chick

Call it “narrow-minded,” “mid-Victorian,” “puritanical,” or whatever may come to mind, but sex outside of marriage is unacceptable.

My son recently came out as gay. I’m from the city and I’ve known gay people, including some lovely couples, but my born-and-raised-on-the-ranch husband refuses to believe two men can form a lasting bond. He thinks all homosexuals are promiscuous and lonely, and he’s worried for our son. I’ve told him that not all gay people are like that.

—Montana Momma

Unfortunately, we are just like that. One of the main features of homosexuality is promiscuity. It stands to reason. Homosexuals are trying to do the impossible: Solving the problem with only half the pieces. We say we want sexual gratification and love but we eliminate, right from the start, the most obvious source of love and gratification—woman.

My girlfriend and I just had a baby and she’s breast feeding. We’re concerned about one thing: We smoke pot. Will it harm the baby?

—Chicago Couple

Like the answer to many other questions about marijuana, its effects on babies are unknown. But there is certainly a strong possibility it might be excreted in mother’s milk. Your baby is on a good trip anyway when at its mother’s breast and marijuana probably won’t make it any better. There is possible harm with the use of any drug. Why take a chance?

I’m a 21-year-old straight guy who has always been turned on by rough stuff—nothing extreme, just little bites, slapping her ass while I fuck her, holding her down while kissing. My current girlfriend doesn’t like rough stuff, which is fine. I don’t have to do it. But she tells me that I’m a sadist who hates women and says she’s going to break up with me if I don’t get into therapy.

—Rough Stuff in Denver

The toughest problem Christians have with sex is how to feel about their own sexuality. In your case, a tinge of sadism can be a tolerable eccentricity if it is controlled. There is an enormous difference between a slight, seductive sadism, limited to playful skirmishes, on the one hand, and compulsively destructive sadism on the other. Playful sadism between sexual partners is controlled by love; the lover stops when the partner complains.

I have a boyfriend of about three years now who is getting increasingly jealous and possessive, and developing little obsessions with guys I see at work during the day. There seems to be no deterring my boyfriend from his mistrust in me, despite the fact that it is unfounded. Is there a way to curb this behavior?

—Jealous Boyfriend Troubles

Jealousy is a passion with which those most afflicted are least worthy of love. No couple should allow their associations to develop into an engagement and marriage if either one has any inclination to jealousy. It shows invariably a want of sufficient confidence, and that want of confidence, instead of being diminished after marriage, is liable to increase, until by the aid of imagination and wrong interpretation the home is made a hell and divorce a necessity. Jealousy is always the sign of weakness or madness. Avoid a jealous disposition.

OK, did you guess the theme of this week’s column?

The Grand Prize goes to the first person who can correctly identify all five of the writers whose work I plagiarized, and give me the name of the books I lifted these passages from: I WILL FLY THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER TO LAS VEGAS FOR A FUN-FILLED WEEKEND, I will put you up at The Bellagio, and I will personally join you in Las Vegas for a long weekend of gambling, hookers and booze, all of it on me. I’m offering such a grand Grand Prize because I’m confident that NO ONE will be able to correctly identify all five of the writers whose work I’ve plagiarized—not even the braying jackasses at The Weekly Standard who exposed Ambrose and Goodwin

I’m so certain no one will win the Grand Prize, I’m going to offer a Not So Grand Prize to anyone who correctly identifies four of the writers whose work I’ve passed off as my own. The Not So Grand Prize winner will be flown to Reno, Nevada, “The Biggest Little City in the World,” for a fun-filled weekend on me. Finally, anyone who can correctly identify three of the writers gets a subscription to The Weekly Standard. (If more than one person correctly IDs the writers I’m ripping off this week—IMPOSSIBLE! NOT GONNA HAPPEN!—one winner will be selected at random; the winner must live in the continental U.S. or Canada. The deadline for entering this contest is March 31, 2003, to give everyone plenty of time to do the research.)