a 25 year-old student living with my wife at my dadís place.
My parents got divorced a couple of years ago (dad had an
affair), and my wife lost her job about four months ago. My
dad graciously offered to let us stay with him for a few months.
The other day, I had the house to myself. I went to put a
movie in the VCR. There was already a tape in there, so I
started it up and couldnít believe what I saw: My wife emerging
from the shower. The image repeated itself several times.
Then there was more footage of my wife changing her clothes
in our bedroom, looped over and over. There was even footage
of my wife and I screwing in our bedroom!
I freaked out, grabbed the tape and broke it into a thousand
pieces. When my dad got home from work, I walked out before
he got out of the car and threw the pieces in his face. He
was shocked and insisted we talk about it in the car. He got
really upset and apologized over and over, saying he was lonely,
and he begged me not to leave or tell my wife. I didnít leaveóhow
could I? I was in school, my wife wasnít working, and we had
no money for rent. So we just agreed never to speak about
it again and left it at that. I never told my wife, but I
kept a very close eye on my father. Four months and two new
jobs later, weíre finally moving out.
The problem is this: This whole thing has really freaked me
out. When I try to get intimate with my wife, I think of that
goddamn tape, the hidden cameras, and my father getting off
on all of this. It just leaves me completely limp. I am ashamed
of my father for doing it and Iím even more ashamed of myself
for not preventing it. My wife has noticed my ďperformanceĒ
problem and canít figure out whatís going on; she thinks I
may be having an affair!
I donít see the point in telling my wife now, and I donít
really want to discuss it again with my father, so what do
I do? Oh, and my wifeís parents are dead and she loves my
father like her own. Sorry about the length of this letter.
your wife what happened. You canít go on letting your wife
think youíre cheating on her to protect your father from your
wifeís bad opinion. Of course your wife wonít be lookiní up
to your dad as a substitute father-figure once she hears the
news. But think about it, L&S: If you were your wife,
what would your rather think? That your husband canít get
it up because heís having an affair? Or that he canít get
it up because his dad did something creepy?
Before I get to the meat of my advice, I want to say this:
Your dad is one sick fuck. There you were, feeling grateful
and indebted to him, and all the while heís violating your
privacy and beating off to this videotape. Eesh. Worse yet,
once you discovered what he was up to, your economic situation
required you to pretend that nothing had happened and remain
in your fatherís house. Ugh. Your father put you in an awful
position. What an asshole.
Having said that, I am now going to go out on a very long,
very brittle limb. Brace yourself, L&S . . . OK, is what
your dad did really so bad? Donít get me wrong: itís bad-really,
really bad. Badminton. But is it so bad? By which I mean,
is it so bad that you have no choice but to let it destroy
your relationship with your father and your wife?
Letís break it down: There are two issues in playóor, I should
say, two transgressions. First and foremost, your dad made
That Damn Videotape. Second, he was jerking off to That Damn
Videotape. Letís begin with the lesser transgression: Your
dad was beating off to images of your wife and, nauseatingly
enough, to images of you and your wife together. I hope Iím
not shattering any illusions, L&S, but men and women are
constantly masturbating about people they canít or shouldnít
or wonít ever have. Iím sure youíve jerked off thinking about
women you canít or shouldnít or wonít ever have, just as Iíve
jerked off about men I canít or shouldnít or wonít ever have.
Are you still with me? Good.
Assuming that your wife is hot, itís a simple fact that men
are masturbating about her constantly. All of the time, and
all kinds of menóstrangers, coworkers, and, yes, even relatives.
Youíve jerked off about hot women you canít/shouldnít/wonít
ever have yourself, right? So in the back of your mind, L&S,
you knew it was possible that your dad was beating off about
your wife. Of course there are things we know because they
can be assumed or inferred and things we know because weíve
witnessed them or stumbled over irrefutable evidence. Thanks
to That Damn Videotape, what once lurked in your subconscious
is now banging around your head 24/7.
But come on, L&S, knowing for a fact that your dad was
getting off to images of your wife (and of you) might be highly
creepy but it shouldnít be completely debilitating. Had your
dad been a decent person and stuck to mental images of your
wife, you would never have found out for sure that he was
beating off about her. But he didnít stick to mental images,
which brings us to the larger of his two transgressions: That
What did you really find out when you found the tape, L&S?
Something you kinda already kinda knew. Your wife is hot,
your dad is straight, and like a lot of other straight men,
your dad was beating off thinking about your wife. Letís give
dad the benefit of the doubt and assume that he wasnít into
your wife because sheís your wife, but merely because sheís
hot. And letís give dad the benefit of the doubt and assume
that he didnít want to fuck you, but was only living vicariously
through your performance on That Damn Videotape.
If all of this sounds like a massive rationalizationóor a
series of massive rationalizationsóthatís because it is/they
are. These rationalizations and assumptions are in your own
best interests, L&S, because theyíll help you get to place,
as Dr. Phil might say, where you can forgive your dad and
successfully fuck your wife again.
To review . . .
Step one, tell your wife. She needs to know what happened,
so that she can stop worrying about the affair youíre not
Step two, MOVE. I have every confidence that your performance
problems will clear up once youíre no longer living in your
fatherís house. Every time youíve attempted to be intimate
with your wife since you found That Damn Videotape youíve
been making love at the scene of the crime, with a little
voice in your head was no doubt worrying about hidden cameras
and drooling dads watching the instant replay. Itís no wonder
you had a hard time keeping it up.
Step three . . . after a good, long chunk of time has passed,
after youíve fertilized the above rationalizations with a
little denial, you should be able to forgive your dad and
pretend that nothing ever happened.