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Dear
Readers: As promised, this week’s column is packed with letters
from straight guys who don’t want to suck dick. Enjoy.
I’m a hetero guy who wears thong underwear. I don’t volunteer
this information, but in those weird group situations when
people ask, I tell the truth. So what is this “real men don’t
wear thongs” attitude people have?
—Smooth
Butted Boy
I
get some gross letters here at Savage Love—poo lovers, dog
fuckers, Bush voters—but your letter, SBB, is by far and away
the most disgusting letter I have ever received.
While I’m prepared to sign off on women in thong underwear
(since so many of my straight male readers complained when
I encouraged women not to wear thongs), and while I recognize
that male strippers and gay porn stars must wear thongs to
work, I refuse to sign off on straight men in thong underwear.
Why? Because there’s no such thing as a straight guy in
a thong. Yes, a straight guy can suck some dick once or
twice in his life and still be straight, but any guy who wears
a thong—even once, even on a dare—is a faggot through and
through.
I’m writing because I need your help. My girlfriend and
I broke up three months ago. Since then I cannot stop thinking
of her. I’ve written letters and tried phoning. She hates
me and now thinks I’m stalking her. What would you do if the
person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with ignores
you? I am going out of my mind.
Please give me advice to get her back, because I went to therapy
to forget her but to no avail.
—Hopeless
In Brooklyn
You
had my sympathy—kinda, sorta—until you wrote, “Please give
me advice to get her back...”
Sorry, HIB, you’re not gonna get her back: She’s through with
you, get over it. By continuing to pester her after she’s
told you to fuck off, you’re not only letting her know she
did the right thing by dumping your sorry ass, you’re breaking
the law. Writing and phoning an ex who has asked you to
stop is stalking, and stalking is a crime. In the movies,
stalkers often get the girls, but in real life stalkers get
arrested. Knock it off.
I am a straight teen boy who’s addicted to masturbating.
I’ve been told conflicting reports that it is either good
or bad for you. One of my friends even found a Web site which
said that a kitten would be killed if you masturbated. I don’t
believe that, but what is the truth about male masturbation?
Is masturbating twice a day bad?
—DNY
If
you’re only masturbating twice a day, DNY, then you’re showing
remarkable restraint for a young man your age.
It’s almost impossible to masturbate too much (and, anyway,
there are a whole lot of unwanted kittens in this world).
One potential pitfall of youthful masturbation, however, is
habituating yourself to a particular kind of stimulation.
If you masturbate in the exact same way every time, or if
you hold your cock in a death grip every time, you may find
it difficult to climax as the result of other, more subtle
sensations. So don’t grip yourself too firmly, and don’t masturbate
by humping the same scratchy bit of your mattress over and
over again. Make an effort to vary your style and you’ll make
an easier transition from your own right hand to the less
intense, more subtle and infinitely more pleasurable sensations
provided in your true love’s twat, throat and tush.
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I’m a guy who gets off on dirty panties. Since there are
so many porn stars and escorts and sexy women online selling
their panties, I’m sorely tempted to buy myself some. Can
I get STDs from sniffing a stranger’s panties? I know this
isn’t earth shattering, but I’d like an expert opinion on
this.
—Hanky
Stanky
First
the bad news: “Depending on how recently the panties were
worn,” said Robert Harkins, an unflappable spokesperson for
Planned Parenthood, “there is a danger of contracting an STD.
If the woman who was wearing the panties had an actively seeping
herpes sore, for example, and the panties were rubbed around
the face and mouth, there is some danger of contracting oral
herpes. With chlamydia or gonorrhea, if the panties came into
contact with the mucus tissue of the eyes, and the panties
were fresh enough, there is a chance of transmission.”
Now the good news: Most of the bugs that cause STDs don’t
live long outside the body. The key to safe sniffing of some
porn star’s panties is to getting ‘em out of the sealed plastic
bag they were shipped in and letting them air out for a few
days before you press them to your face. They won’t
stink quite as much as the day they arrived, but her scent
will last longer than any STDs she might have.
Yes, I am a straight American boy who likes to drink beer,
fuck women, eat pussy and watch girl-on-girl porn. But, I
do have a question for you. If guys like girl-on-girl action
so much, why don’t women watch men having sex in porn more
often? In fact, it seems that it doesn’t turn them on at all
like the converse does men. Do you know?
—Curious
About Turn Ons
I
tried to give gay male sex a rest this week—really I did—but
too many of my straight male readers are obsessed.
Anyway, I’ve heard from lots of women who enjoy watching gay
male porn—including many lesbians, bizarrely enough. The women
who dig gay porn say the guys are better looking and the action
is hotter. Of course, women watching guy-on-guy porn will
never be a cultural phenomenon on the level of straight men
watching girl-on-girl porn because women don’t consume as
much porn as men do. “Men are more turned on by visuals” is
a cliché because it’s true; men are more turned on
by visuals.
Still, even if women “consumed” porn at the same rates men
do, boy-on-boy porn would never be as popular with straight
women as girl-on-girl is with straight men. Here’s why: Straight
people who watch gay or lesbian porn project their own ideas
about sex onto the action. In straight life, as in straight
porn, it’s all about penetration. A straight guy can watch
a pair of “lesbians” getting it on and think, “something is
missing . . .” What’s missing, of course, is cock—his cock—for
while there are holes to penetrate, there’s nothing with which
to penetrate them. So the straight guy can watch the girls,
lust after them, and imagine himself walking in and “completing”
the picture.
When a straight woman looks at gay male porn, on the other
hand, nothing is missing. There’s holes, there are cocks,
and nothing much is missing. A woman can bring a third mouth
into the action, or third butthole, or her vagina, but the
addition of her body doesn’t make penetration possible, thereby
completing the picture, since two guys can penetrate each
other just fine, thanks, without a woman around. Finally,
yes, yes, I know: lesbians can and do penetrate each other
with all manner of things, from strap-ons to forearms to Dodge
Durangos. But we’re talking about “lesbian” porn, not real
lesbians.
mail@savagelove.net
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