am a 21-year-old girl that is very much in love with a 24-year-old
boy. When we first met, he was very sexual and easy to please.
We had a lot of fun back in the day. But now, almost two years
later, he is seriously lacking lust. I have to BEG him for
sex. I am a very young, attractive girl. I love to try new
things! I love to suck cock and I have very big, perky breasts.
You’d think he’d be all up on that! I feel so ugly and unloved
because he is constantly turning me away. He says I am a nympho
and tells me he’d rather jerk off. I was on tour with a band
for a while and met a roadie that is absolutely in love with
me and he’s asking me to hook up with him. It’s really tempting
because he is very good looking. I don’t know WHAT to do.
I love my man too much to cheat, but a girl has needs! Is
there any way I can spark his old flame? I’ve tried everything!
on Shaolin Isle
love your man? Whatever for? He neglects you, calls you names,
would rather jerk off than “get all up on” your perky breasts
(and tells you so!), and hasn’t been much fun since “back
in the day.” Dump the jackass already, you idiot. While you’re
off writing letters to advice columnists wondering what you
can do to spark his old flame (there’s nothing you can do),
the man you “love” clearly wants out of this relationship
and doesn’t have the courage or the decency to put you out
of your misery and end this relationship. Like a lot of wants-out-but-gots-no-balls
types, your boyfriend has decided to make himself so unpleasant
that you’ll have no choice but to dump him. So dump him already.
Sexually speaking, you’ve got a lot going for you—perky breasts,
a passion for sucking cock, a willingness to try new things—and
you need to get away from this grumpy wanker and find yourself
a guy who both appreciates your perky breasts and puts your
cocksucking skills to productive use. So, yeah, hook up with
the roadie you met out on tour. And, hey, if he’s really all
that good looking, tell the roadie he has me to thank for
all the head you’ll be giving him. As a token of his thanks,
the roadie should pose for a series of nude digital photos—photos
that you’ll e-mail to me at email@example.com, OK?
I know that this is going to sound very petty, but . .
. I’ve been going out with this cute guy for the past few
weeks. There is just one problem: He wears “underpants,” as
in, “tighty-whities.” The first time we had sex, I was not
aware of his “underpants” until I noticed them on the floor.
I thought to myself, “Hmmm . . . perhaps he ran out of boxers
and is only wearing ‘underpants’ because he needs to do his
laundry.” However, subsequent sexual trysts have resulted
in more “underpants” on my floor. Dan, it freaks me out. “Underpants”
are not sexy . . . and he is not sexy in them. No one is.
They are for 5-year-old boys, not 35-year-old men! And he
would look unbelievably HOT in boxer briefs! I discussed the
“underpants” situation with a girlfriend, and she said that
she felt like it would be an attack on his sexuality if I
mentioned his “underpants.” What do you think?
Latent “Underpants” Trauma
think you’re cheap and horrible, SLUT, and I think your opinions
about tighty-whities are dangerous and inaccurate. On the
right guy, tighty-whities are infinitely sexier than boxers—but
only on the right guy. Men between the ages of 18-30 who
are boyish and slim and hairless (or willing to become hairless)
look FUCKING HOT in tighty-whities, and I don’t want a single
one to stop wearing TWs because some SLUT made fun of their
underpants in Savage Love. Fellas, if you meet all of the
above, please keep wearing tighty-whities and, for the love
of God, keep taking pictures of yourselves in them and posting
them online. Better yet, e-mail them directly to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Thank you. As for you, SLUT, if your boyfriend isn’t boyish
and slim and hairless, then I agree that he doesn’t belong
in tighty-whities. But instead of attacking his taste in underpants,
why don’t you buy him a selection of boxer shorts? Don’t say,
“You look ridiculous in tighty-whities, so I bought you some
boxers.” Instead say, “I think men look so fucking hot in
boxers, so I bought you some. Please wear them, honey, because
they turn me on like fuckin’ crazy.” To seal the deal, you
might want to add, “If you put them on right now, I’ll suck
six layers of skin right off your dick.” Good luck.
Help me! I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for two
months and he’s in a sh*tty band. A really sh*tty band full
of retards who can’t play their instruments and lack stage
presence. The problem is that somehow this band still get
gigs in pubs around town, so the whole town has seen my boyfriend
in his sh*tty band. Now another problem is that my boyfriend
is not only in this incredibly sh*tty band, but he looks like
a complete tw*t on stage. Everybody knows he’s my boyfriend
and they don’t even try to conceal how utterly hilarious they
find it that the little guy jumping about on stage is actually
my boyfriend. And I actually have sex with it. He does have
a big d*ck, so I was considering making him get it out for
all my friends, so that I am then known as “the girl who goes
out with that idiot boy, but he does have a big d*ck so its
ok.” Is this a good idea?
I have to censor all my swearing cos’ I’m on f*cking AOL.
First of all, e-mail a picture of that big dick to email@example.com.
Thank you. Moving along, I shared your letter with my friend
Jennifer Maerz, a rocker chick and a music critic. “Any time
you have a boyfriend with embarrassing ‘built-in qualities,’
” Jennifer said, “you can do one of three things: you can
be a real bitch and tell him in no uncertain terms that he
needs to change this built-in-quality or you’re gonna dump
him; you can just accept that he’s musically retarded and
not give a shit what your friends say and love him for his
really big cock; or, finally, you can be really passive aggressive
and buy lots of great music and play it really loud all the
time and give him presents like band bios and magazine subscriptions
to good music rags and hope it brainwashes him into liking
bands that actually can carry a tune. That’s what I’d do.”
Thanks, Jennifer. Finally, it’s feeling a lot like summer,
isn’t it? To honor the coming of summer, I’m inviting my female
readers with boyfriends who look good in tighty-whities to
e-mail me pictures of their boyfriends in their underpants.
Only good-looking guys, please. Yes, yes: I’m being shallow
and lookist, but it’s summer and it’s my column. The woman
who sends me the hottest picture of her boyfriend in a pair
of tighty-whities wins a $100 Toys in Babeland (www.babeland.com)